December Challenge - Frankie's Reviews

[Frankie Rage]

First off I have to tell you that I find this hard! A song lyric isn't a poem and sometimes the most innocuos lyric turns out to be a brilliant song. A lyric is only half the story, but here goes anyway!

[Frankie Rage]

Heart and Home
Whatmysay c.2009
1
The first house where we first kissed
We shared with a saxophonist
The rooms were small the walls were thin
And could not hold our dreams within

No real issues here, a good start, got to admire the saxophonist line. I think the first line would read better as 'The house where we first kissed' but maybe you need the extra 'first' in to support the melody? If so, I'd change it to 'In the house where we first kissed' well, I might do!!! It's so hard for me to say without the melody!!!

2
The first house where we first loved
We lived beneath a mad landlord
The bed was big the carpet torn
Our dreams and shadows kept us warm

Same issue with the first line but hey-ho no big deal and the rest of it follows on very well from the first verse..

CH
My heart your home
My arms are walls to keep you safe
This home is yours in our embrace
Though time will wear on castle stone
My heart is here always your home

Well I wouldn't change anything here, you seem to be telling us part of the universal story of love, and we all want to hear that!

3
The first house where you first dreamt
Was the last house where we paid rent
It looked out on a crystal sea
Then your sister made our family

This verse wouldn't have made much sense to me without your explanation that you are singing to a daughter. This might be a problem in a sense as the average listener won't have had that explanation. Not that I feel we need to spell it out to the listeners too much anyway... I do like the line 'It looked out on a crystal sea' there's a whole other song in there somewhere! ;-)

CH

MID-8
When rain drops fall, you just call, and we will open our heart
Shelter within, till you begin, to feel the warmth of our love

Again this makes perfect sense when you realise you are a singing to a daughter but I would have automatically thought you were singing to a lover/wife without your explanation, and then this chorus would have made less sense.

CH

There are some really good lines in this but to fully appreciate this lyric we need the melody and the music, and I look forward to hearing it on 31 January!!! Or pretty soon thereafter!!!

Fx

[Frankie Rage]

My First Car
up-fiddler c.2009

My first car was a 59 Chevrolet
It had a little bondo on the right hand side
I installed an AM radio
That 59 Chevy was a hell of a ride.
Chs
It didn’t go fast. We never went far.
But we were captains of the road
In my first car.

WLS the voice of Chicago
Just poured out the rock and roll that we all loved
Volume way up, the muffler was a bit too loud
That four inch speaker was really getting shoved
Chs
Three on the tree, the standard way to drive a car.
"Easy on the clutch." The girls are watching now.
Let it out too fast, you ride yourself a shootin' star.
Jerkin’ through the light Like a three legged cow.
Chs
Empty our pockets, we all chip in for gas.
Forty cents a gallon and we had no cares
Sometimes we’d splurge and put three dollars in
Sails full of wind we could go anywhere.
Chs
One summer day in 1968
I sold her for 30. (But I’d paid a hundred five!)
I held back the tears as I watched them drive away
That light blue Chevy had taught me how to drive.
Chs

It's a fully encapsulated time-machine/time capsule snapshot song of another era. I always love songs about cars and roads and being 'on the road'. Can't fault this lyric nor add a bean to it. Look forward to the finished article with glee!

Fx

[Frankie Rage]

Your Home
Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3 and Acoustica Mixcraft 4.1
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: none (challenge entry)
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2008, 2009

verse 1
Yesterdays are faded gray
The mirrors never show
Within these walls are memories
of love I'll never know
Every year I celebrate your birthday all alone
Your pictures smile in every room
and shine in my first home

This reminded me of my lyric, i.e. a sad song about a first home, so I am 'in tune' with this nicely constructed verse. I hate the use of the phrase 'all alone' though but I have used it myself to make a melody work, so I'll say no more about that!

chorus
I know someday you'll find the truth
I'm waiting here alone for you
and everything I'll ever do
will bring you safely home
We share the moon above the sea
While we're apart I'll always be
the light beyond your darkest need
to guide you to your home

I like these words especially the line 'the light beyond your darkest need' also 'we share the moon above the sea' which I think is clever, no matter how far apart in ideals/geography, we all share that don't we, even if we're as far apart as can be!

verse 2
You said you'd always live for me
We promised that we'd die
to live inside each other's hearts
in vows we made for life
Now every day I pray to see
your hands I used to hold
These timeless gifts within in your reach
are waiting in your home

This verse seems to tell us that it's a child-like vow of love and I read it not just as a literal expectation of her return but a desire to return to youth/childhood/earlier times? Maybe?

chorus
I know someday you'll find the truth
I'm waiting here alone for you
and everything I'll ever do
will bring you safely home
We share the moon above the sea
While we're apart I'll always be
the light beyond your darkest need
to guide you to your home

bridge
There's emptiness in my first home
I crossed the threshold all alone
Across the fields that bear your name
I'm everything you own

I am not sure that I can empathise with the sentiment I perceive to be expressed in the line, 'I'm everything you own'. You almost seem to be saying, 'you're nothing without me', or you're suggesting that you are the only person that will be true to her (i.e. that she can be sure she 'owns') which to me is a child-like, selfish view of love that I wouldn't want to return to without a fight! But maybe I misunderstand your intentions here! Anyway, one man's meat.. it doesn't detract from the quality of the song! N.B. I have now read elsewhere that you don't mean it the way I perceived it so apologies there! I've left my comment 'as is' though so you can see that at least one 'reader' has misunderstood your intentions.. (dolt though I may be..)

chorus
I know someday you'll find the truth
I'm waiting here alone for you
and everything I'll ever do
will bring you safely home
We share the moon above the sea
While we're apart I'll always be
the light beyond your darkest need
to guide you to your home

chorus
I know someday you'll find the truth
I'm waiting here alone for you
and everything I'll ever do
will bring you safely home
We share the moon above the sea
While we're apart I'll always be
the light beyond your darkest need
to guide you to your home

(repeat chorus through fade out)

For me, this is another set of lyrics where we need the melody and the music to tell us the full story, and I look forward immensely to hearing it!

Fx

[Whatmysay]

Thank you for feedback

Yes got to do something with the title to suggest who the song is to.

[icystorm]

This reminded me of my lyric, i.e. a sad song about a first home, so I am 'in tune' with this nicely constructed verse. I hate the use of the phrase 'all alone' though but I have used it myself to make a melody work, so I'll say no more about that!

Thanks for the kind words! And no need to ever apologize for your honest views.

I like these words especially the line 'the light beyond your darkest need' also 'we share the moon above the sea' which I think is clever, no matter how far apart in ideals/geography, we all share that don't we, even if we're as far apart as can be!

I had seriously considered changing "the light beyond your darkest need" to "a light beyond eternity", but I thought better of it after your comments, so thanks!

I was pleasantly surprised that "we share the moon above the sea" was received positively by a couple of folks here. I thought I would be taken to task for the high-fructose content of that one! Heh.

This verse seems to tell us that it's a child-like vow of love and I read it not just as a literal expectation of her return but a desire to return to youth/childhood/earlier times? Maybe?

You're right in the sense of the lyrics expressing a desire to return to the past, but it's also meant to convey a wish for her return in the present (or future).

Also, you're the second person to observe the intent of this verse as somewhat child-like, which is different from the way I intended it to come across (but I can easily see why it does come across that way).

I've been told a few times in my life that I have an "old soul"; one born after my time. I think that is true. I relish the past and live in it to a large extent. Likewise, the way I've loved women in my life (emotionally, at least) was the same to me when I was in the sixth grade as it is today.

So, yeah, I made childish vows with my high school sweetheart, but they were not childish to us at the time, and I think I'll always carry that with me.

Okay, enough of true confessions!

I am not sure that I can empathise with the sentiment I perceive to be expressed in the line, 'I'm everything you own'. You almost seem to be saying, 'you're nothing without me', or you're suggesting that you are the only person that will be true to her (i.e. that she can be sure she 'owns') which to me is a child-like, selfish view of love that I wouldn't want to return to without a fight! But maybe I misunderstand your intentions here! Anyway, one man's meat.. it doesn't detract from the quality of the song! N.B. I have now read elsewhere that you don't mean it the way I perceived it so apologies there! I've left my comment 'as is' though so you can see that at least one 'reader' has misunderstood your intentions.. (dolt though I may be..)

Again, no apologies necessary. I feared that leaving that line in the song carried a risk of it being misunderstood. Gecko pointed out the ambiguity of it earlier (as you noted).

It definitely means "everything I have will always be yours". It's meant as a selfless, completely unassuming statement.

Maybe I'll change it to...

"The world I have is yours"

or...

"Where all I have is yours"

Both cover six syllables, as the original line, and fit. I'm mulling it over.

For me, this is another set of lyrics where we need the melody and the music to tell us the full story, and I look forward immensely to hearing it!

Fx

Thanks kindly for listening, the review, and your honest advice, Fx! I hope I do not disappoint! My mixing/engineering skills are far from the greatest. I'd love to work with a good engineer to help me sound better than I am.

Cheers,
Joseph

[Frankie Rage]

Thanks kindly for listening, the review, and your honest advice, Fx! I hope I do not disappoint! My mixing/engineering skills are far from the greatest. I'd love to work with a good engineer to help me sound better than I am.
Cheers,
Joseph

-----------------

I am glad my ramblings did not offend and at least offered 'another point of view' anyway. And do not worry about your engineering skills for they surely cannot be worse than mine. I have yet to get anywhere near to what I want as recorded sound, but I shall persevere! I intend to keep my music for this challenge as simple as can be to give myself a fighting chance of producing something 'listenable'!

Fx

[Frankie Rage]

Somewhere
Gecko zzed c.2009

Leather, rubber, oil and dust
Machine Chanel beneath the rust
A carcass rusting in the grass
Silent eyes reflect the past

Each word takes it's toll, nothing wasted.. 'Machine Chanel' can't believe that! Great first verse I would have to say..

In satin black I drove the streets
Master of this four-wheeled steed
Proud I sat, so high in seat
A windscreen world in front of me

You were a friend to me
But time got in the way
On the outskirts of importance
The threads began to fray
Somewhere the spark went missing
Somewhere the lights grew dim
Though I recall the surge before
Somewhere I just gave in.

It may not be intended but I take this young man/car relationship as a metaphor for 'young life' itself and the giving up on a dream (maybe) and just accepting 'life'. But I could just be superimposing that on it. Either way I find the last two lines of the chorus poignant to the point of tears (not croc tears, btw)

Abandoned in a lonely field
Overgrown with tangled weed
A metal hulk that's now a home
To other creatures more in need

In chariot I crossed the map
The miles slipped by beneath my feet
I drove for love, I drove too far
The boundaries disappeared

You were a friend to me
But time got in the way
On the outskirts of importance
The threads began to fray
Somewhere the spark went missing
Somewhere the lights grew dim
Though I recall the surge before
Somewhere I just gave in.

I think every line in this song does it's job at least well and some of the lines are exceptionally good to my mind. It contains my favourite line(s) of all the Dec challenge lyrics which is, "Though I recall the surge before somewhere I just gave in". To me this stuff is effectively poetry/prose as well as song lyric. It stands up as a set of words without music. Look forward to hearing it as a completed song too!