Barbs of Love

[Whatmysay]

This one is probably a bit too co-dependent for Gecko taste but it is what I have been working on when I really should have been working on Dec challenge.

As always feedback is greatly appreciated

Cheers Burt


The Barbs of Love

1
Why’d you leave me with the living
When you left me for dead
Was it just your cruel reminder
Of the life I’d never live

CH
Into your arms like broken scissors
You cut me down with your embrace
Entwine my heart in laceration
And bleed me with your razor blades
And your barbs of love

2.
Why’d you drag me with your rip tide
Pull me to your side again
On the edge of death I’m floating
Like a bullet in a brain

CH

MID8
If suffering was all that I need
Then I’d stay, I’d stay here for good
With your touch my scar tissue bleeds
God I’d leave, I’d leave if I could

CH

Outro
And your barbs of love (r)
Your barbs of love keep cutting me down.

[gecko zzed]

I'm having an awful lot of trouble getting Soundclick happening . . . I get to the page . . . then nothing . . . so I haven't been able to listen to your song, though the lyrcis intrigued me greatly. (In recent times I've only managed to open a Soundclick file once!)

Lyrically, the song is sharp and brutal. The chorus sums it up and is the best part:

"Into your arms like broken scissors
You cut me down with your embrace
Entwine my heart in laceration
And bleed me with your razor blades
And your barbs of love"

This is five lines of concentrated angst, and not a single word wasted.

As for being "co-dependent", well, perhaps a little bit . . . but . . . there is ambiguity there. You haven't yet said "you've treated so cruel that I'm going to go and top myself because I am so dependent on your love." In fact, you haven't really said what you are going to do, and this hesistancy is evident in the middle eight:

"If suffering was all that I need
Then I’d stay, I’d stay here for good
With your touch my scar tissue bleeds
God I’d leave, I’d leave if I could"

This translates rather strangely. The first couplet says "If I want to be a masochist, then I'll stay with you". The second says "Being with you is masochistic, but I can't leave". So which is it to be? The first sounds like you have a choice, the second sounds like you have no choice. In the context of the actual song, it might work, but on their own, they seem somewhat contradictory, and therefore puzzling to a reader.


I like the transition from sharp instruments to watery things in v2:

Why’d you drag me with your rip tide
Pull me to your side again
On the edge of death I’m floating
Like a bullet in a brain

But I'm not convinced by the last line, which robs the verse of its watery strength. And 'drain' is such a good word to slot in here . . . there must be something decent incorporating that word to continue the metaphor.

Maybe: "like dying leaves in a drain" or similar.

Anyway . . . a great set of lyrics!

p.s. when I was referring to co-dependence, i.e. 'learned helplessness', I was doing so in the context of love songs, and expressed my preference in this type of song for more supportive lyrics. I'm not sure that this creation would qualify as a love song!

[Whatmysay]

Cheers Gecko

As always worthy and considered reflection. Thank you.

I see the watery 2nd Vs - but I'd connected to the 'floating' bullet, as in one lodged in the brain. But I see the continuity of 'drain'.

Speaking of 'learnt dependency' I was in a band once called Skinner's Rats and we had a song called 'Jump before the shock!' about Skinner's conditioning exercises to prove learnt dependency. That wasn't a love song either.

Promise January's challenge will be

Burt

[gecko zzed]

how about something like
"a bullet swimming in my brain"? (implying the 'like')

[Whatmysay]

Thx Gecko

The line works great maintains continuity of ocean with the whole bullet idea I was going for, but will still hold on 'a bullet swimming in a brain' to keep the metaphor of the whole situation rather than implying impending death on the part of the songteller

Cheers

Burt

[up-fiddler]

Unlike the geckko, I would like to hear more Middle 8s. I think that (Musically) it breaks up the uniformity of the work and should be used earlier in the song also. Perhaps after the first chorus?

Lyrically, this is your best work. The imagery and word interplay is great and I REALLY like the Cutting/Water/Barbs themes. I can find very little to complain about in this tune. (But I will anyway.)

I don't like the razor blade line in the chorus. Perhaps "Bleed me with your cutting face" or "smiling face"? The idea of razor blades seems a bit over the top for me and I would prefer the face metaphor or something similarly done.

A final point that is simply nitpicking......Scar tissue doesn't bleed. Thats why it is scar tissue. You already have several cutting analogies. (Arms/scissors, embrace that cuts, lacerated heart) It's definitely not a stretch for the listener if you simply have "Her simple touch will make you bleed" or something similar.

Enough of the critique.........I like this song in almost every respect and feel you have done excellent work here. Congrats on writing something I wish I had written.

[Whatmysay]

Thank you very much Dave for such kind words of encouragement on this tune.

Yes perhaps the 'razor blades' in the Chorus is getting a bit Edward Scissorhands, I'll have a think about that - I did think it could be 'over egging the pudding'.

I think I knew about scar tissue not bleeding (something about boxers foreheads just falling apart instead of bleeding!), but I if that is the case I think it deepens the metaphor and makes it a hyperbole, or a superbowl I never know the difference, being a rugby player!

Cheers

Burt

PS It still will not let me give you (Dave) rep points

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by Whatmysay

.....PS It still will not let me give you (Dave) rep points

As a mere songwriting grasshopper I probably don't deserve them.