Who likes to write melodies/lyrics

[bozmillar]

I just finished this song about 15 min ago. My biggest problem is that I am horrible at writing lyrics and melodies. I'm not sure why. I turn retarded as soon as I try to come up with something good.

So here's the instrumental version. I know it's a bit long for it's style. I have long song syndrome. I plan to take out one of the choruses at the end, and a few measures from one of the verses. Hopefully that should bring it down to the right length.

Anyways, who wants to take a crack at a melody line for me? I'll include you in the credits of every movie that features this song and pay great royalties.

And the usual, tell me what sucks about this recording.

http://www.bozrecords.com/mp3s/song6redo.mp3

[rayc]

Boz,
Nice intro - esp the little lead lick - got me interested but it took a while before you built on it.
It's a really well played and written piece.
I did a run through trying to get a scan for syllables etc & the only thing I had that could fit is:

Not so long ago I had a lover 10
And it seemed that nothing could go wrong 9
Oh not so long ago there was no other 11
I had someone with whom I belong 9

But dreams have a way of becoming nightmares 11
Go from REM to my eyes wired open 11

Not so long ago I had a life where 10
Sharing air was something very new 9
It wasn’t long before that breath was stolen 11
Suffocating with the déjà vu 9

Oh so little time we’d known each other 10
Such a simple love that you had to smother 11
Not so long ago… 5

Maybe if I stay inside and hide or I swallow my pride 15
Maybe pretend it wasn’t you & that it was I that had lied 15
I could recover 5
And I could get over 6

Not so long ago… 5

Not so long ago I had a lover 10
And it seemed that nothing could go wrong 9
Oh not so long ago there was no other 11
I had someone with whom I belong 9

I know I talk & talk of nothing but it 11
And I know no one wants to hear about it 11
Oh so little time we’d known each other 10
Such a simple love that you had to smother 11
Not so long ago…
And time makes me doubt it 6
Not so long ago…. 5

Not so long ago I had a life where 10
Sharing air was something very new 9
It wasn’t long before that breath was stolen 11
Suffocating with the déjà vu 9
copyright ray cochrane 2008
as for melodies - go whistle - literally - I can't whistle or come up with melodies!

[bozmillar]

whoa, that was fast. Thanks.

I still am really having a hard time coming up with a melody. I know it should be easy, but it seems that every melody in my head sucks. I think it's mostly because I write the instrumental part first, then I get sort of married to that and have a hard time breaking from the rhythm of the guitars.

[bozmillar]

Anybody have any comments on the mix in general?

My main concerns are the drums and the bass. Drums are fake. EZdrummer, and the bass I just bought last week, so my bass mixing experience is pretty low. Is the bass too loud, too soft, too muddy, too thin?

and could I convince you that the drums are real?

oh, and by the way, I agree with the fact that it is slow to start. I was hoping to make a song where the vocals were the focal point, so I fought all my urges to add a ton of guitars like I usually do.

[ksounds]

This song is nice...sounds like real music.

Drums are pretty authentic...but the bass is totally muddy and lost somewhere in the deepest frequency depths of wherevever.

Not sure what to tell you as far as what frequencies to push...it just needs to be more present.

Guitar sounds very nice...Ray's lyrics might work well

[Mish]

What kind of music are you influeced by, Boz?

[bozmillar]

I think the muddy bass is due to my playing as much as it is due to a cheap bass and lack of experience.

As for influences, the music I record and the music I listen to aren't really related. That and the styles of songs I write aren't really that related either. Here is my other song I posted here. (Sorry, is this a tactless way to resurrect an old thread?)

http://homerecording.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=265301

I'm a big prog metal fan (Dream Theater, Iced Earth, Blind Guardian...) but I also enjoy some Live and Dishwalla. Maybe that was more my influence on this song.

[Supercreep]

Beautiful stuff.

Ray, your lyrics are great.


The music you're playing is such that I could sing ten different melodies and ten different phrasings and they would all sound different - and all be perfectly acceptable.

I'd say with music at this tempo and especially in 6/8 time that the melody shouldn't follow the rhythm slavishly and that whole phrases need to soar away from the music at times. Dynamics will pay dividends in an arrangement like this.

[bozmillar]

ok, I made some changes. I brought the bass up louder and carved out the mids a bit to try to make it sound more like real music. I like what it did to the guitars, piano and bass, but I feel like it made the drums sound wimpy. Anyone else thing the same?

I can't really screw around with it anymore tonight because it's getting late, and the lady downstairs won't like it much. I should probably give it a rest for a couple days anyways.

http://www.bozrecords.com/mp3s/song6mixdown1master1.mp3

[bozmillar]

Since nobody else is leaving any comments I'll do it myself.

Listening to the new mix, this morning, it kind of hurts my ears. Better master bus eq definitely needed.

[rayc]

Boz,
It's a really nice piece of music. I know you're probably not enarmoured of the lyric I dropped in - That's not a prob.
If you go to the songwriting forum I've a thread there called Heart Shaped Bruise which is a lyric I wrote in response to your music after feeling inadequate having dropped an older one in.
The tone of the lyric, however, is from a female perspective and would sound best with a female voice close mic'd a gently bruised. Reference point being the Cowboy Junkies' Trinity Sessions.
Have a look. If they suit and you want to use them drop me a PM or email.
Ah, I found them...
HEART SHAPED BRUISE

Ev’ry time you lie, Intro
Ev’ry time you cheat,
It’s no victory,
It’s our love’s defeat.

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this heart shaped bruise
Is absorbing me.

No, there’s no salvation,
And there’s no excuse,
If the damage is done,
Then my heart’s no use.

No, there is no salve,
Nought that can redeem,
Or remove the scar
From this shattered dream

There’s a heart shaped bruise CHR
Where my heart should be
And this heart shaped bruise
Is becoming me.

Ev’ry small abuse,
Ev’ry power play,
Kills the spark inside,
Turns my love away.

Ev’ry errant thought,
Ev’ry stolen look,
Each and ev’ry entry,
In your little book.

There’s a heart shaped bruise
Where my heart should be
And this bleed inside
Is comsuming me.

Ev’ry time you whisper,
Ev’ry time your coo,
When you pull me down,
It’s to satisfy you.

There’s no way forward,
And our history’s sour,
What I thought was love,
Is an exercise of power.

There’s a heart shaped bruise
Where my heart should be
And this relationship
Is killing me.

Take it out M8
Cut it out
Take it out
Cut it out

There’s a heart shaped bruise
Where my heart should be
Now it’s in my hands
And it’s up to me.

Take it out
Cut it out