And Here Are The Entries (for April)

[up-fiddler]

Whatmysays Vampire Love

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6416395
1
She was in love, she had a taste for danger
The smiling stranger caught her
It was the demon in his heart, the devil in his touch
That made her sigh

2
She took him, gave her heart to feed him
Her bleeding body wastes away
It was the hope that she might save, this angle from the grave
That made her stay

Ch
She loves the vampire love, his love
She loves the vampire love, and she’d give her blood
To make him stay

3
He left her bare, battered, bruised and naked
God forsaken in bloodstains
But the fire of their sins, the coldness of his skin
Eased her pain

Ch

Mid 8

With only pain for company
In a world where no one stays
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
You feel the pain
You breathe again

Ch

Jdblessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going
©2008 J. Blessing
1
She came to him one morning, said, Honey, please sit down
I so desperately need to smile but lately all I do is frown
Things have gotten hazy and I feel I’ve lost my place
I hate asking you to leave but I just need some space.
2
It’s not that I don’t love you; it’s that I don’t know who I am
We got married way too soon; it wasn’t what I had planned
So now we need to take the time that we didn’t take before
To get to know each other before our marriage can be restored

He said
(Pre-chorus)
I’m taking my things with me
But my heart stays here with you
I’ll give you all the time you need
To do what you need to do
(Chorus)When you get to where you’re going
And you find out who you are
Let me know, I love you so
I won’t be very far.
3
A few months down the road she said we need to talk again
Things were so much better in Ft. Worth, so I’m moving back again
The children were happier there and I had my career
But no matter how much I try I can’t create that here

She said
I’m taking the children with me
And we’re keeping your last name
Yes, I know, that once we go
Things will never be the same
When I get to where I’m going
If you tell me you still care
I’ll call for you; you’re welcome, too.
Come and join me there.
4
He said This isn’t the kind of leaving that I can take for long
I have learned that without you near, I am not that strong.
I know that you will do what you feel is best
I’ll give you the time and my love, and let God do the rest
You’re taking my heart with you
Where ever you may go
No matter how much time may pass
I’ll love you, you know.
When you get to where you’re going
If you decide that you still care
Give me a ring, I’ll drop everything,
And come running to you there.

Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time

He sits and waits alone
with burning eyes and troubled bones
he holds a broken megaphone
with a thousand tales that no one's known


The rhythm in his mind
The rhythm in his mind
it never shows he never shows it
He's keeping perfect time
He's keeping perfect time
but no one knows they never know it

He sings a lonely song
verses of penitence
and summers come and gone
these wounds were open for so long
maybe a better man
could have carried on

The rhythm in his mind
The rhythm in his mind
it never shows he never shows it
He's keeping perfect time
He's keeping perfect time
but no one knows they never know it


He plays an old guitar
Dusty from the road and smoky from the bars
He'll never be a star
but his simple melody can melt the hardest heart

And then she comes along
she sits down next to him and says I love your song
and still the rhythm's strong
She stares into his eyes as he plays on and on

the rhythm in his mind
the rhythm in his mind
he finally shows and now he shows it
He's keeping perfect time
He's keeping perfect time
She really knows she really knows it


up-fiddler’s The Dream
c.Dave Morehouse 2008
The link to the music

He don’t care
Where she’s been tonight…no
The fact that she is there
Makes his world seem right.
And it feels exactly like a dream
Is racing through his head.

She’s so happy
Just to be back home with him…yeah
She cooks his breakfast
While the morning sun’s still dim.
And it feels exactly like a dream
Is racing through her head.

She served her country
A thousand days and nights
He’s deeply grateful
She’s returned all right.

She reads a letter
From a comrade overseas.
He tries to tell her
Bad things always come in threes.
Exactly like the dream
That’s locked up in their heads.

He can’t help her
But he feels that he must try.
He says a soldier
Still has every right to cry.
And it feels exactly like a dream.

She served her country
A thousand days and nights
He’s deeply grateful
That she’s returned all right.
And it feels exactly like a dream
That’s burned into their heads.

Off to sleep now
Time to visit all your dreams.
Of a time when
There will be no death machines.
The world will be exactly like the dream
The world will be exactly like the dream
That’s in their heads.
It's in their heads.



cnix’s He’s The One

Second try? This one seems to work.
Verse 1
He’s Lord of all Creation and a friend.
He’s the first and last, beginning and the end.
His Mercy flows His Glory shows.
Salvation comes, to all who know.

Chorus
He’s the One
He came to earth as man, The Promise of God’s plan, He’s the One
He’s the One
He came to save the lost, through the power of the cross, He’s the One
He’s Jesus Christ, The Savior, He’s God’s Son
He’s the One

Verse 2
He took the blame, He bore the shame.
The sacrifice for all, who answer His call
His Grace is free, In victory
He is the Open Door, to live forever more

Chorus
Bridge
He broke the chains of every sin, so all can come and enter in.
His Kingdom that forever reigns, Blessed be His Name.

Chorus

[cnix]

For some unknow reason, the link in this thread to listen to He's The One only works sometimes. The link in the original April Thread works all the time, so you may have to go to the original thread to listen. They appear to be the exact same, but computers...

Charlie

[ido1957]

Originally Posted by cnix

For some unknow reason, the link in this thread to listen to He's The One only works sometimes. The link in the original April Thread works all the time, so you may have to go to the original thread to listen. They appear to be the exact same, but computers...

Charlie

CNIX - this is the link from the other thread - Up Fiddler - maybe quote this and get the link into the original post before they lock it from editting....

http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/view...?trackid=64020

[ido1957]

The Dream c.Dave Morehouse 2008
Good tune Dave. I like this musically and lyrically; the minimal backups (bass/drums) surrounded by lead riffs is cool. I'm not a fan of the current war, so I can identify with the lyrics here. Classic style of verse/chorus/bridge works well.

Vampire Love c.Whatmysay 2008
Good writing on this one too... The music suits the theme of the song, kind of dark and dangerous. I can smell the candles burning in the candelabra while this is playing.... Great...!

He's the One c.cnixon 2008
Good song cnix. I like the repeating/echoing lines and the harmonies a lot. The lyrics are pretty straight forward - JC is the one! Cool!

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by ido1957

CNIX - this is the link from the other thread - Up Fiddler - maybe quote this and get the link into the original post before they lock it from editting....

http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/view...?trackid=64020

.... and sorry for the confusion. I tried the new link several times and it was fine. I hope that resolves the issue for everyone else also.

[up-fiddler]

I will be in Milwaukee (7 hours south of here) for a couple of days and will get on the critiques as soon as I return. (Wednesday?) What I have read and listened to has impressed me at first glance. Thanks to all who participated and I will give honest feedback upon my return. Others may start theirs at any time that is convenient to them. As before, when everyone is done I will compile the critiques and PM them to each of you to use as you see fit.

[Whatmysay]

Originally Posted by up-fiddler

I will be in Milwaukee (7 hours south of here) for a couple of days and will get on the critiques as soon as I return. (Wednesday?) What I have read and listened to has impressed me at first glance. Thanks to all who participated and I will give honest feedback upon my return. Others may start theirs at any time that is convenient to them. As before, when everyone is done I will compile the critiques and PM them to each of you to use as you see fit.

Say hay to Richie Cunningham for me he must be in his 70's now - thats all I know about Milwaukee.

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by Whatmysay

Say hay to Richie Cunningham for me he must be in his 70's now - thats all I know about Milwaukee.

heh, heh, heh........ I doubt that I'll see him. I'm headed to Baldoni Accordions.

Dave's Blog
Dave's Studio

[rayc]

Is it too late to drop one in for April?

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by rayc

Is it too late to drop one in for April?

Not as far as I am concerned. How about the others??

[jdblessing1970]

Originally Posted by up-fiddler

Not as far as I am concerned. How about the others??

Fine by me.

[cnix]

Me to.

Charlie

[Whatmysay]

No problem here

[gecko zzed]

house

V1
a dog paws through the garbage,
its tail bent like a claw,
with ribs as sharp as knives,
it scavenges for more

V2
the door hangs halfway open,
no welcome in its lean,
the shadows creeping inwards,
into the rooms unseen

Ch
where the wine once flowed freely
the tablecloth was stained
with the rust red reminders
of the last who played the game

V3
a clock stands solemn, silent,
its hands frozen in time,
its pendulum unmoving,
a face without a sign

V4
cobwebs drape like lace
from broken chandeliers,
where curtains grey as shrouds,
hang with jagged tears

Ch
where the wine once flowed freely
the tablecloth was stained
with the rust red reminders
of the last who played the game

[WhereEaglesDare]

Shouldn't have let him in, all bets are off, the Gecko man wins.

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by WhereEaglesDare

Shouldn't have let him in, all bets are off, the Gecko man wins.

Wins what??? It's not a competition.....

[WhereEaglesDare]

Well he wins anyway :P
Sorry I'm a newbie, I saw the word 'entries' and assumed it was a competition, some good ones in there but that last one was awesome, top stuff Gecko.

[rayc]

Thanks for lettin' me in late folks.
here's a song sketch - space rockish music & probably effected vocals. The lyrics are a little heavy but, at present at least, I like them.


http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=6409835&q=hi

No melody as yet

Sewer Song
Come to my circus,
My city, my sewer.
The exhibits are many,
Clay caste menagerie.
Come to the grand ball,
My trunkated lover,
The legless, the armless,
Come love's amputees.

Newborn, still born, bleeding heart.
Morning, evening's dying art.
In all these we play no part:
In games of love no-one can play.

See comic book heroes,
Pretend not to bleed,
Emotional lepers:
Toy soldier memories.
Red collophane eyelight,
waving stumps at the moon.
Pierrot with moonlust,
Come & see!
Come & see!

Bleeding jester's morbid mirth,
Death: triumphant at each birth,
Borrowed dreams of little worth.
In games of love no-one can play.

Preach gangrenous love,
My pinup religion.
Prepackaged emotion,
For a fee, for a fee!
Come to my circus,
Spectators are few,
Another red nightmare,
Come and taste,
Come and see...
Dancer, leper, soldier.

[rayc]

Vampire love - well executed - eschewed the horror schlock that I'd have been trapped into doing.
Good story, even better analogy/metaphor!
I'd love to hear it with a real grand or a better sample & reverb with some more defined runs between some chords - particularly at the 1st verse as the runs create, run to & can defy expectations if done right.
Top draw stuff for my ears.
I'll listen to other tomorrow.

[gecko zzed]

and are you interested in someone providing one for you?

the lyrics are original, imaginative, full of imagery, and highly tempting!

Originally Posted by rayc

Thanks for lettin' me in late folks.
here's a song sketch - space rockish music & probably effected vocals. The lyrics are a little heavy but, at present at least, I like them.


http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=6409835&q=hi

No melody as yet

Sewer Song
Come to my circus,
My city, my sewer.
The exhibits are many,
Clay caste menagerie.
Come to the grand ball,
My trunkated lover,
The legless, the armless,
Come love's amputees.

Newborn, still born, bleeding heart.
Morning, evening's dying art.
In all these we play no part:
In games of love no-one can play.

See comic book heroes,
Pretend not to bleed,
Emotional lepers:
Toy soldier memories.
Red collophane eyelight,
waving stumps at the moon.
Pierrot with moonlust,
Come & see!
Come & see!

Bleeding jester's morbid mirth,
Death: triumphant at each birth,
Borrowed dreams of little worth.
In games of love no-one can play.

Preach gangrenous love,
My pinup religion.
Prepackaged emotion,
For a fee, for a fee!
Come to my circus,
Spectators are few,
Another red nightmare,
Come and taste,
Come and see...
Dancer, leper, soldier.

[Whatmysay]

Originally Posted by rayc

Vampire love - well executed - eschewed the horror schlock that I'd have been trapped into doing.
Good story, even better analogy/metaphor!
I'd love to hear it with a real grand or a better sample & reverb with some more defined runs between some chords - particularly at the 1st verse as the runs create, run to & can defy expectations if done right.
Top draw stuff for my ears.
I'll listen to other tomorrow.

Cheers Ray - fuller arrangemnt in the works

[rayc]

Whatmysay,
I quite like the sparseness - please don't add to much - but then again, as long as you can subtract what ends up supurfluous it should be OK.
Gecko ZZed,
Have a go if you like - can't hurt & might be fabulous.

[jdblessing1970]

Originally Posted by rayc

Thanks for lettin' me in late folks.
here's a song sketch - space rockish music & probably effected vocals. The lyrics are a little heavy but, at present at least, I like them.


http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=6409835&q=hi

No melody as yet

Sewer Song
Come to my circus,
My city, my sewer.
The exhibits are many,
Clay caste menagerie.
Come to the grand ball,
My trunkated lover,
The legless, the armless,
Come love's amputees.

Newborn, still born, bleeding heart.
Morning, evening's dying art.
In all these we play no part:
In games of love no-one can play.

See comic book heroes,
Pretend not to bleed,
Emotional lepers:
Toy soldier memories.
Red collophane eyelight,
waving stumps at the moon.
Pierrot with moonlust,
Come & see!
Come & see!

Bleeding jester's morbid mirth,
Death: triumphant at each birth,
Borrowed dreams of little worth.
In games of love no-one can play.

Preach gangrenous love,
My pinup religion.
Prepackaged emotion,
For a fee, for a fee!
Come to my circus,
Spectators are few,
Another red nightmare,
Come and taste,
Come and see...
Dancer, leper, soldier.

Interesting lyrics, tho less third person than even MY lyrics, which WAS the challenge for this month. That aside, I'm wondering about the title...since the song is less about a sewer and more like a circus, wouldn't it be more apt to call it "Circus Song" or even "Sewer Circus"? Just a thought.

[up-fiddler]

The idea of the Challenges has been to provide everyone who participates with ideas and honesty which will help them improve their craft. By participating you agree to look, listen, and critique everyone else’s effort. In return, you receive the same critiques from everyone else to give you a nonbiased opinion of your work.

Whatmysay’s Vampire Love

The melody for these lyrics fits perfectly. The imagery is so vivid that this would make a GREAT video. As a finished product I can hear strings, drums, and the same driving piano that you have in the rough take. I like this version of the Challenge in that I can hear what is going through the writer’s head when developing the lyrics. The chorus is a perfect example. While it doesn’t read very melodically when I listen to the recording it seems perfect. I especially like the emphasis on “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” to lead in to the chorus lines. (It also emphasizes the third person which WAS the Challenge for April.) I am also very big on first verses. This one sets the song up well without giving any of the storyline away. It draws the listener in and that is always a good thing. Nice effort. Consider the video version just for the rest of us. (smiles wickedly)

JDBlessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going

What I like best in this song is the repetition and rearranging of the concept of ‘Taking’. Taking things in the prechorus, children in the chorus, and his heart in the last verse. It brings an added measure of sorrow to the song. I don’t know if that was your intent but that’s the way it struck me. I would like the lyrics to be a bit more ‘sing-song’ or rhythmic in nature. Some of the lines seem forced (Ex. To do what you need to do.) but they would clean up easily enough. . I would like to hear how it sings out though before I heaped too much criticism on that point. You continue to show us that your strength is in the storyline and this song is no exception. A fine story with a beginning, middle, and end with drama in between. That’s the way I like them.

Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time

I like the repetition on the choruses. I also love the concept of an innate rhythm that only he can hear or feel. It works on several levels for me. The literal idea of internal music fits well with the song and the ‘guitar gets the girl’ theme. Metaphorically, the idea of keeping perfect time and rhythm in his mind can allude to several different themes outside of the song or the situation in the bar. If that was your intent, it was a great one. If I misunderstand, then that’s not unusual and I apologize. The second verse seems to imply that there is more to the song than meets the eye (or ear). I like this song because, while telling a straightforward story, there is also a hint of loneliness left up to the listener to interpret. The last verses appear to have a different meter of pattern than the first two. Does the melody change or are the words just ‘sung to fit’? Nice job.

cnix’s He’s The One

Right off…..I am a huge fan of contemporary Gospel music. This song fits in that genre perfectly. I like the vocal treatment (countermelody and echoes) of the second verse LOTS. I would like to hear it in the first verse as well. It would fit quite nicely with the bridge also. Maybe even nicer than the first verse but I would have to hear it both ways to decide. Nice song with many Christian clichés. Normally clichés are to be carefully considered before including them in a song but this genre almost demands them. LOTS of repetition in choruses for audience participation are also something I would consider if this song were mine. Great song on a timeless topic. The key change at the bridge doesn’t work well for me. It seems to rob the song of much of its power. Perhaps try reworking that portion but that’s just my thoughts on it.

Gecko zzed’s house

This song seems to fall way outside of the third person theme of the Challenge. Still, since it’s here I will be happy to give an honest critique. The imagery in this tune is powerful from front to back. It is the strongest point of this song and a good indicator of your skill level as a writer. I also like the fact that you give us plenty to think about in this now vacant house but you don’t give away the story. The listener is left to their own device as to what happened here or what may have happened here. The powerful images in the chorus provoke thought a prediction on many levels. Nice effort. I would like to hear how the melody enhances the song.

Ray c’s Sewer Song

Again….the Challenge was to write a song in third person. Again, as long as it is in this thread I will give an honest critique. I listened to your Soundclick sketch and tried to let the lyrics seek their own melody by reading and repeating them over the rhythm line you have there. Several melodies came to mind. I can definitely hear this with an Industrial background though. The lyric and images would go very well in that genre. Not to say that your spacey etc. doesn’t work. I was just imagining how a heavy industrial background would make the lyrics stand out even more. Another thing that stands out for me is the fact that you have no chorus. It’s DIFFICULT to write a good song without a chorus but you seem to have pulled it off nicely here. I may be too dull to follow the storyline in this one but I can’t. Personally I would need a couple more clues as to where this one is headed. The imagery is great but it only speaks to me in snippets. (Or maybe I just don’t get it.)

[rayc]

Up Fiddler is on the money re my piece - I got excited & forgot the point of the exercise was 3rd person - sorry.
I've re-sketched a lyric in third person to make amends but I, yet again, haven't found a fulcrum for a chorus - still working on that - this sdoes have more of a narrative than the sewer thingo (that wouldn't be hard eh?):

The Master’s Gone Away.

The sheets were grey, Where the body had lain,
And the room was filled with shadow.
The morning had come, With the birth of the sun,
But the mind of the master lay fallow.

The evening had died, But no mourner had cried,
At the coming of past day’s tomorrow.
Of the remnants remained, On the sheet but a stain,
And the impression of leaving was shallow.

But the master had gone, Departed he with the Dawn,
And no-one cried save the sparrow.
For ne’er had it flown, From its high leafy thrown,
Lest Death come on the wings of an arrow.

And the master, ‘twas said, Of sparrow had fed,
Taking ill of its fears and its sorrow.
But from his death bed, With wings he had fled,
And Death rode in the soul that was hollow.

And the bird took a place, In past time and space,
Retribution for that which was borrowed…
cochrane