Tortured Soul

[Nicole_Rose]

Copyright Nicole Rose/Darrel Thompson

i'd like to see what everyone thinks of these lyrics. Darrel and i have been working on this song for about 3 weeks now.

tortured soul


verse 1

running from visions that stalk me by night
hiding in darkness, afraid of the light
tortured and shattered and splintered and broken inside
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
I want to go home
wandering aimlessly, lost in time
Trying my hardest to hold, onto what’s mine

chorus,

mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity

guitar solo

verse 2

Jumping at shadows and running in fright
listening to voices, when no one’s in sight
doctors and nurses all running in cirles to find
the shattered and broken remains, left of my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
i want to go home
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind

chorus

Bridge

Oh, oh oh, there must be a way out for me
oh oh oh, one in which i can see
oh oh oh, I’m going to be set free
oh oh oh, these shackles and chains i will breach

Chorus
end

[up-fiddler]

...I feel that the second verse is much stronger than the first verse. Perhaps reverse the order and sing 2 first and 1 second. In my mind it doesn't change the meaning or direction of the song but it would give the listener a reason to stay until the end. This section:
mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity is fantastic. It is alliterative and powerful at the same time. I likee.

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by up-fiddler

...I feel that the second verse is much stronger than the first verse. Perhaps reverse the order and sing 2 first and 1 second. In my mind it doesn't change the meaning or direction of the song but it would give the listener a reason to stay until the end. This section:
mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity is fantastic. It is alliterative and powerful at the same time. I likee.

hmmm, what makes the second verse stronger than the first?

if we reversed the verses we'd have to switch the lines

wandering aimlessly, lost in time and seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine because the second one indicates that there is some hope the person is getting better. which leads to a little more hope in the bridge because we wanted to end the song on a positive note.

i'm glad you like the chorus. i wrote that part first.

[up-fiddler]

I guess I like the 'hope' in the beginning as a hook to bring the listener in. I see what you mean about the other lines though. Yeah, the chorus is my fave part.

[ido1957]

Very strong, well written lyrics. They read very well and I know they will make an excellent song already....can't wait to hear this....

[Nicole_Rose]

Thanks Ido. we've got a working demo but the song won't be ready for at least another week. but i'll post it as soon as it's ready

[joeym]

I like it....
only part that bothers me is the doctors and nurses part. The lyrics are nice and metaphoric/ mystic, buit that phrase seems a little bit too "real", too direct to me, I hope you understand what I mean. It's like you want people to think about what you're saying, and that phrase makes it all too simple. How about substituting it with something like "servants of madness all running in circles to find" or something similar? I think it would keep the mysticism of the song going. Otherwise great lyrics!

[Nicole_Rose]

there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do.

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do.

I have already weighed in as to how I feel about the second verse. I like it so much that iI think it should be first! +1 for not changing the docs and nurses line.

[joeym]

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do.

fair enough....it's you who decides what's good for your song
hope to hear it soon.

Cheers
Joey

[Yonce N Mild]

I like it.... a song about being crazy. I somehow feel I can relate.

I like the doctors and nurses line. It was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read it. Looking forward to hearing this one.



For some reason I hear: Oh, Oh, Oh, Let it go
instead of Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, might be because of my personal belief that sanity is vastly overrated. I'm having trouble picking up the meter though so that might be totally off base.

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by Yonce N Mild

I like it.... a song about being crazy. I somehow feel I can relate.

I like the doctors and nurses line. It was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read it. Looking forward to hearing this one.



For some reason I hear: Oh, Oh, Oh, Let it go
instead of Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, might be because of my personal belief that sanity is vastly overrated. I'm having trouble picking up the meter though so that might be totally off base.

lol, the song is about getting it back not letting it go lol.

the meter is tricky on this one. i had to really put the right words in the right place and put the accents in the proper place. also the melody in the verses changes halfway through. i like it though. those who have heard the not ready yet demo say it might be the best thing i've worked on so far. thursday Darrel and i will be working on it. and then hopefully one more day will see it finished

thanks for the input

[shoop]

its really creative! dark and powerful lines u got there.

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by shoop

its really creative! dark and powerful lines u got there.

thanks shoop can't wait to post it for you all to have a listen

[Nicole_Rose]

here's the link to the unfinished song Tortured Soul.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6270551

Let me know what you all think. and make any suggestions before saturday because we're finishing it up then

[up-fiddler]

I like the way the message is presented in this rough sketch. I know that verbed vox are out of style nowadays but if I had it to master this I would try adding a haunting verb or delay to the vox channel through the verses and leave the choruses drier. (Or maybe vice versa?) In the end I might not like the added FX but I would at least try them on for size. Something about reverb reminds me of a hospital hallway.

I do like the song though, so if it were mine I wouldn't add too much to what is there now. Many people who write of mental illness use synthesizers and 'wacky' sounds and I feel that does the song and its subjects a huge disservice. Nice work.

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by up-fiddler

I like the way the message is presented in this rough sketch. I know that verbed vox are out of style nowadays but if I had it to master this I would try adding a haunting verb or delay to the vox channel through the verses and leave the choruses drier. (Or maybe vice versa?) In the end I might not like the added FX but I would at least try them on for size. Something about reverb reminds me of a hospital hallway.

I do like the song though, so if it were mine I wouldn't add too much to what is there now. Many people who write of mental illness use synthesizers and 'wacky' sounds and I feel that does the song and its subjects a huge disservice. Nice work.

is there anything in the vox that needs to be done better? like i have the feeling he's hitting the accents in the chorus too hard. what do you think?

[Chili]

Hi Nicole, I like the way the song is headed. My only suggestion would be to change the last line of the chorus. The "Drown in your insanity" part. It feels forced and crammed with too many syllables. You can try a different word like "Misery", but that might change the meaning a little too much. You can also try "drown by insanity" or some other variation to make it flow smoother.

Thanks for sharing your song,

[jdblessing1970]

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind

The above is the only little-bitty nit-picky thing I could find...basically "mine" and "mind" are too close for my comfort. I always cringe when I hear songs that rhyme a word with itself unless it's just repeating a line for a chorus. Other than that, WOW...what a song! (Can't listen to the demo, but the lyrics are great!)

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by Chili

Hi Nicole, I like the way the song is headed. My only suggestion would be to change the last line of the chorus. The "Drown in your insanity" part. It feels forced and crammed with too many syllables. You can try a different word like "Misery", but that might change the meaning a little too much. You can also try "drown by insanity" or some other variation to make it flow smoother.

Thanks for sharing your song,

my partner had an issue with that too. but the line fits perfectly. he's just singing the last word out of time for effect. thanks for listening

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by jdblessing1970

The above is the only little-bitty nit-picky thing I could find...basically "mine" and "mind" are too close for my comfort. I always cringe when I hear songs that rhyme a word with itself unless it's just repeating a line for a chorus. Other than that, WOW...what a song! (Can't listen to the demo, but the lyrics are great!)

thanks for the wow i really appreciate it. i'm glad you like.

i hope you can find time to listen. i'd like people's opinions on whether the accents on the choruses are sung too heavy.

[Oancient1]

Hi Nicole,

I would like the song more if it was more produced from its current musical simplicity. I would at least put in electric g throughout, instead of just the solo, which BTW comes a little to early in the song for my taste.

Tom

[Whatmysay]

I like the song and now I get the struggle to stay sane it really works well. For me the dynamics are still too even - but I am into dramatic dynamic I see it like a theatrical monologue with different energy levels on different lines.

may be it is too much like a musical number then and not a song

[Nicole_Rose]

thanks for the replies guys i appreciate your comments. we're working on harmonies next so we'll see where that takes us.

so no one thought the chorus was sung too hard on the accents?

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

thanks for the replies guys i appreciate your comments. we're working on harmonies next so we'll see where that takes us.

so no one thought the chorus was sung too hard on the accents?

I felt the accents were just that......accents. Like Whatmysay though, I am fond of songs with a greater dynamic disparity. Todays pop and hip-hop and much of todays rock and c/w is compressed to within an inch of its musical life. I like the effect of peaks and valleys....especially in a song about mental illness.jmho