New lyrics. Critiques?

[jeffchastain]

I'm feeling like this ryhmes way too much, but it also seems to work really well.

On Life and Miracles

Verse 1

I'm waiting for an ending,
The worlds so condecending.
I'm waiting for a rainstorm,
A hurricane to take form.
Wish I could be an airplane,
to fly us out of this place.
So tired of being misplaced,
With just enough to save face.

Chorus

But I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

Verse 2

We're flyin' over palm trees,
away from all that's buried,
and then with all but dismay,
the pilots screamin' "mayday".
The ground it's comin' faster,
what a wonderful disaster.
A tiny new aquantance,
has brought us back our senses.

Chorus

So I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

[ido1957]

Originally Posted by jeffchastain

I'm feeling like this ryhmes way too much

It does seem to rhyme too much in the verses. Maybe the sentences are too short and the rhymes pop up too quickly and are therefore, too noticeable.

Wish I could be an airplane,
to fly us out of this place.

This rhyme is not working for me...I like the idea but not the rhyme

But I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

Other than the use of forever twice, I like the chorus a lot.

We're flyin' over palm trees,
away from all that's buried,
and then with all but dismay,
the pilots screamin' "mayday".

These rhymes seem a bit clunky....again I like the story but not the rhymes.

A tiny new aquantance,
has brought us back our senses.

This part is interesting - what does it imply? Does it refer to a new baby?
I'm not getting the link between a crashing plane and this new baby (if that's what this is). Is the baby pulling you out of the dismay of life in general and the rest of this is just metaphors for dismay?
Maybe you can clarify the meaning within the verse for me.... I'm not always good at picking up meanings so bear with me there....

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by jeffchastain

But I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

As ido1957 says, this is the strong point of the song. I especially like the last four lines of the chs. I don't mind the rhymes. They DO come quickly but with the right meter you can pull it off. I also like the imagery invoked in this song but I have a hard time following the storyline. It seems to wander a bit much for me. (Or I am too dense to pick it up.) I would try to explain the storyline a bit better without giving it all away. jmho and good luck.

[rayc]

dismay & mayday would be really hard tpo get out of your mouth as a true rhyme.
Interesting ideas but too slavishly rhymed I think - there's a bit of metre that is needed for a rhyme to work well.
Don't worry Lou Reed did it in one of his best songs phial & vial just didn't work but he insisted & persisted & to this day I cringe each time.
Record the lyric - even as a spoken poem & listen to it over & over & mark down on a written copy the parts that make you feel a little uncomfortable - then work on those bits.

[jeffchastain]

Originally Posted by ido1957

It does seem to rhyme too much in the verses. Maybe the sentences are too short and the rhymes pop up too quickly and are therefore, too noticeable.


This rhyme is not working for me...I like the idea but not the rhyme


Other than the use of forever twice, I like the chorus a lot.


These rhymes seem a bit clunky....again I like the story but not the rhymes.


This part is interesting - what does it imply? Does it refer to a new baby?
I'm not getting the link between a crashing plane and this new baby (if that's what this is). Is the baby pulling you out of the dismay of life in general and the rest of this is just metaphors for dismay?
Maybe you can clarify the meaning within the verse for me.... I'm not always good at picking up meanings so bear with me there....

I wrote these lyrics for my wife. I've gotten some chords to them, and it's coming out decently, I think. I'll end up posting the song in the clinic soon.

Yes, that last part you quoted is about a baby. My wife and I were fed up with where we live at the time (crappy job opportunities, boring town in general) and we were going to go back to my home state of Florida. But, when we found out we were pregnant, we decided we'd stay here with all the relatives and grandparents(babysitters) and such.

Maybe a plane crashing is a bit too much, huh?

[superportal]

Jeff, I like your song and think it's cool that you posted it for people to critique.

One critique I have is I noticed it doesn't hit me very hard. What do I mean? It seems solid on first read, but it just lacks OOMPH, to make it really stick in my head. It has a decent structure but it is slightly bland and depressing.

I started to do a minor rewrite with suggestions and just ended up getting carried away and rewriting it into a hiphop version. But I present here just to illustrate another perspective and to contrast of what I think started a bit bland to this highly colorful version

I'm not saying you would use something like this for your type of song but it may be a good exercise to rewrite the lyrics as if they were another genre (pop,country,rock,gospel whatever)


MY EDIT (HIPHOP STYLE)

We were waiting for a gentle rainstorm
But a vicious hurricane took form
Now we're waiting for an ending
From a world without a beginning
A tropical depression was headed our way
We're not OK...This could be our last day...

If I was an airplane, baby
I'd fly us straight to Tahiti
We'd be sampling local Rums, your favorite Daquiri
Marzipan, Sofritti and that Tahitian Noni candy
We'd never tire of being displaced
Go ahead...Smear that Coconut tanning oil all over your face,
Get out the Lace...let's party like its the Last Days of the Human Race...

Chorus

Let's try to hold on
to everything we know is true
You have me
I have you
Let's live the good life
'N do the naughty things
The Po-Po said not to do
[girl joins guy in background vocals]
'N do the naughty things
The Po-Po said not to do

We're flying over palm trees doing loop-d-loops
Documenting lost tribes and primitives with nose hoops
And then to our dismay, over the PA
The pilot's screaming MOTHERF&*NG MAYDAY MAYDAY
The grounds coming faster
We're getting a little jiggy
Disasters coming quickly,
Like Lickety-split-ily
I'm getting ready to finally meet the Man upstairs--Biggie
Just then a new friend introduces himself excitedly
And passes a Philly Blunt prescribed by Doctors in California for Anxiety

Chorus

Let's try to hold on
to everything we know is true
You have me.
I have you.
Let's live the good life
'N do the naughty things
The Po-Po said not to do
[girl joins guy in background vocals]
'N do the naughty things
The Po-Po said not to do

[azraelswings]

Originally Posted by jeffchastain

I'm feeling like this ryhmes way too much, but it also seems to work really well.

On Life and Miracles

Verse 1

I'm waiting for an ending,
The worlds so condecending.
I'm waiting for a rainstorm,
A hurricane to take form.
Wish I could be an airplane,
to fly us out of this place.
So tired of being misplaced,
With just enough to save face.

Well firstly, with all due respect to ido, I disagree sharply with his (or her?) criticism of the third couplet. In fact, I think the slant rhyme breaks up the monotony of the surrounding pure rhymes, and accents the following couplet.

Of course, that is entirely based on the way the lyrics sound in my mind's ear. As I improvise a melody/structure for the verse, the third couplet is phrased longer, given more space to breathe.

Chorus

But I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

I'm not fond of the beginning of the chorus, as it sits on paper. That said, how lyrics look on paper doesn't equate to how good a song is. I think some of Pete Wentz lyrics are terrible but Pat Stump manages to deliver them gracefully and melodically.

I don't mean to seem rude, but for the most part the chorus is cliche and sentimental. "Everything I know . . . me and you" "forever in your face." are rather trite. I don't want to stomp on a work so clearly close to your heart, just to offer an honest critique. I would try to rewrite the chorus asking myself if someone who was not close to the situation could be moved by it. Understand, this IS all speculative, good melody and phrasing can save downright terrible lyrics, which these are not.

Verse 2

We're flyin' over palm trees,
away from all that's buried,
and then with all but dismay,
the pilots screamin' "mayday".
The ground it's comin' faster,
what a wonderful disaster.
A tiny new aquantance,
has brought us back our senses.

Like the imagery, don't like the word choice of dismay and acquaintance, also dont like "away from all that's buried," just seems like a vague ineffectual filler line.

Chorus

So I'll try,
to hold on,
to everything I know that's true,
everything that's me and you,
I'll bare,
the weight of the world,
To fall forever in your grace,
I see forever in your face.

Keep writing!