And Here Are The Entries

[up-fiddler]

Participants for the Challenge

Nicole Rose, ido1957, Himynameisbuddy, Mikeh, up-fiddler, Nightfire, Yonce N Mild

Each participant has committed to giving (And receiving!) an honest, thoughtful critique from every other participant. Others may watch and learn (hopefully) so that we all benefit in some way to become better at our craft. Thanks in advance to the participants. In the meantime, perhaps someone else is thinking of a new challenge they can post to keep us hopped up and inspired?


True Love (c.Nicole Rose 2008)

verse 1 part 1

All there is you and I, in this lonely world,
no one's ever touched me like you do
The way you laugh the way you smile, the way you look at me
every time you kiss me the world is new

verse 1 part 2

All you've done for me, all you've helped me see
has been the greatest blessing in my life
All I've learned from you, and all you've helped me do
I'm so glad you chose to be my wife

chorus

I've never loved someone the way that I love you
yes it's true
I'll never love someone the way that I love you
you know it's true

verse 2 part 1

All there is you and I, in this lonely world
you've given me a different world view
Your caring ways your loving days, the way you make me laugh
every time you hug me I'm renewed

verse 2 part 2

All you've given me, and all you've helped me be
has changed the way I feel about this life
You've believed in me, and helped to set me free
I'm so glad you chose to be my wife.

end

************
Leading Me On
************
© Gerry Steele 2008

I found a picture of you and me from way back when
And all those memories played on my mind again
I was over my head when I laid eyes on you
Didn’t see your intentions was too easily fooled

You could have had anyone because you looked so fine
You said “Be my man” and I went out of my mind
All you told me were lies but it was real to me
I tried to win your heart it was not meant to be

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone.....
You treated me cruel
And I’d be a fool
To still want you.....

You only wanted someone who wouldn’t break your heart
And didn’t want what we had to ever get that far
I was so good for you, you liked the part I played
And you just wanted me there to keep the others away

Yeah it was all a disguise you never cared for me
It whispered more than friends when that was all it could be
When you were done with me could have told me yourself
I had to hear the words from somebody else

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone.....
You treated me so cruel
And I’d be a fool
To still want you.....

(Bridge)
It was our first kiss (and) it was our last night
Before you broke my heart you know it felt so right
I’m never over you but I still pretend
I’m gonna love you, love you, love you - Baby ‘til the end

(Break)

It was our first kiss (and) it was our last night
Before you broke my heart you know it felt so right
Give me half a chance I’d do it all again
I’m gonna love you, love you, love you - Baby ‘til the end

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone......
You treated me so cruel
I guess I'm just a fool
To still want you


My Glove (Himynameisbuddy 2008)

I was inside my room as it filled up with smoke
I couldn’t breathe, I collapsed onto the floor
The door was locked, no one heard me
My silent screams went heard only by nobody

I realized then, that I was done

My lungs started to fill with the smog
As the partiers danced innocently out in the hall
Not a soul in the world felt my heart stop
Over the blaring speakers that reeked of Tupac

Changes are always something we need,
“But why right now?” was my desperate plea,
Again, my thoughts go completely unheard
Like a bird that lacks a chirp

I realized then, that I was done
And could only think of my only one
My love, my glove, my loaded gun
The only one who’ll know notice I’m gone

Then in comes the light, but it doesn’t feel quite right
Something inside told me I was fine, so
I opened my eyes and to my surprise
I’m on a hospital bed; her hands are holding her head
Her fingers tearing into her skull

She’s sitting there, saying nothing at all
I watch her hair as she’s pulling it out
She’s sitting there, singing one of my songs,
But the only sound that's audible

Are the ones that fall from her crying eyes,
So beautiful, so bright

I realized I was finally alive
I survived because I knew she was mine
My love, my glove, and my divine
She found a way to create time for me

She’d have been so proud of me to make it through,
But my silver-lined cloud was now the deepest of blues
I realized then what I knew that I should do
So I closed my eyelids, and I’ll leave the rest up to you


I'm Finally Coming Home
Copyright 2008 Michael L. Helgesen
Lyrics & Music by: Michael L. Helgesen

Verse 1
I'm heading down a long, dark road
My journey's almost through
I've traveled for so long alone
Now I'm coming home to you
At times it seemed I lost my way
With dead ends here and there
But I can't ponder yesterday
It's too late to care

Chorus
I can't change things that happened
But I can try to forget
I can only be the man I am
No time for regrets
It's too late to find a different way
I'm on this lonely road
I just hope that I can find you
I'm finally coming home

Verse 2
There's a lot of years I don't recall
It's probably just as well
I hear I've done some awful things
And as near as I can tell
You may not be there to greet me
When I find my way back home
But my journey's almost over
And I don't want to be alone

Repeat Chorus (2x)

Brenda's Child
c.Dave Morehouse 2008

Brenda had a baby boy back in ’93.
He simply was the cutest thing that you’d ever see.
He crawled around the living room just like you or me
And he would cry, cry, cry. He would cry

Brenda was a single mom she had to work all night
She always worked the graveyard shift but now it don’t seem right.
She couldn’t watch her boy grow up, out of mind and out of sight.
It made her cry, cry, cry. Made her cry.

In school he sat all by himself, alone with all his friends.
They always picked him for the team. (Right at the very end.)
They should have felt catastrophe just hidin’ ‘round the bend.
Then they would cry, cry, cry. They would cry.

(Bridge)
He found when he went home to play
He didn’t need a team.
He fired his Atari up
And fell in to his dream.
He’d jerk the joystick back and forth
He’d holler, scream, and hoot.
But in the end what he learned best
Was how to point and shoot……..

Slide along the campus wall it’s time for us to go.
All God’s children falling fast, reaping what they’ve sown.
The neighbors see him on the news, say, ”My how he has grown.”
And it makes us cry, cry, cry.
And it makes us cry, cry, cry.
Makes us cry.

Song Start (Nightfire 2008)

Pre Chorus
So put our your cigarette,
the smoke will blow right o'er your death
and when it all comes crashing down
you'll swim, you'll sink and then you'll drown

Chorus
Cause you lost your soul back in '64
far away in a jungle war
Oh look at what they’ve done to you
you'll just have to make it through

All Is Not Lost
Yonce N Mild 2008


a strangling hold
on the necks of our saints
abandoning hope
and damning restraint
we keep on wishing we were
all the things that we ain't
and still we keep fighting
for lies we create.

It's plain that this pain will not end
(but all is not lost)
I'll play this game to the end
(no matter the cost)
On the day when the sun shines again
(and burns off the frost)
I'll bury this demon within
(end my holocaust)

This naked aggression
ANd this wanton destruction
are bound to collide
in a violent eruption
a coerced confession
of shady constructions
I'm pulling the trigger
you're pushing the button

It's plain that this pain will not end
(but all is not lost)
I'll play this game to the end
(no matter the cost)
On the day when the sun shines again
(and burns off the frost)
I'll bury this demon within
(end my holocaust)

We keep on believing despite the deceiving
but it's hard to digest all this shit we've been eating
There's still hope for peace and redemption and healing
If we break off these chains and tear through the ceiling

I'm holding on
(hold on through the night)
I look to the dawn
(the morning light)
I hope I stay strong
(to finish this fight)
We've got one last chance
(at getting it right)
all is not lost
all is not lost
all is not lost
all is not lost...............

[Yonce N Mild]

Great stuff everybody.

I'll start off with True Love by Nichole Rose, since it's at the top of the list. =)

I should start out by saying that love songs are definitely not my strong point so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Being the very lucky husband of a wonderful woman there are several parts of this song that I relate very strongly to.

The whole vibe of feeling very lucky and blessed to be loved by someone so amazing comes across quite strong. Also the feeling of strength and confidence that comes from knowing that you have someone to stand by you is pretty well conveyed. Lots of warm fuzzies for sure.

My only grip (and this is a common problem I have with a lot of love songs) are the cliches. I would go on a cliche busting mission to make it a little more unique.

Example: Maybe instead of "No on has ever touched the way you do"
I feel alive when you touch me the way that you do. Or I feel, on fire, inspired, so strong, so safe......ya know something that is a little different.

I'm kind of torn about the chorus because it is very cliche but in a chorus that can make for a great hook. I'd have to hear the melody before passing judgment.

I think you could get away with using the "every time you kiss me the world is new" line twice in place of "every time you hug me I'm renewed" since you double up on the "I'm so glad you chose to be my wife. " at the end of the other verses. It might give the song some more cohesion, I'm a sucker for repetition in the verses. On the other hand I relate to the line, "every time you hug me I'm renewed" more strongly that any other line in the song so I guess I'm torn there.

The last thing I noticed is this line "I'm so glad you chose to be my wife. "
I'm not sure glad is a strong enough word. Maybe blessed or I thank god instead?


I hope that doesn't sound like I'm tearing your song apart. I approached it as if I had written it and I was coming back to it later to tighten it up. It was very easy for me to feel like I was saying those words to my wife which IMHO is a good measure of a song if you audience can strongly relate to the lyrics.

Overall I think it's a great love song, even for a guy who's not much for sappy love songs. It did motivate me to go downstairs and give my wife a massive bear hug so you've done a great job of stirring up my emotions anyway.



I'll tackle Leading Me On later today

Great songs everyone and props for taking the initiative up-fiddler. Good stuff.

[mikeh]

I actually have two pages of comments on the songs submitted (I'm spending more time trying to edit down my comments than I did writing my song).

Given some of the interesting submittals - I'm hoping the critques are equally as creative.

up-fiddler - when will we see your first volley??? And lest I seem unappreciative - thank you for proposing and coordinating this rather interesting thread - I've attended some song writing groups (including song critques) and always walk away with something of value.

[Whatmysay]

Originally Posted by up-fiddler

Participants for the Challenge

Nicole Rose, ido1957, Himynameisbuddy, Mikeh, up-fiddler, Nightfire, Yonce N Mild

Each participant has committed to giving (And receiving!) an honest, thoughtful critique from every other participant. Others may watch and learn (hopefully) so that we all benefit in some way to become better at our craft. Thanks in advance to the participants.

Sorry didn't think this was an only give if you have given club. I had vs and a ch I really would have liked to have submitted, but thought it was a whole song thing. Have had a shit week for writing. Understand the transaction of sharing and yourself vulnerable and offering yourself.

Oh well will have to catch the train next time - have much to say about submissions but feel I would be rude, Good luck may be I will catch the next deadline

[Nightfire]

I'm leaving for ski holidays tomorow but promise I will get back to these as soon as Im back. I dont want to do a rush job on it tonight and miss important things.

Mike

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by Whatmysay

Sorry didn't think this was an only give if you have given club. I had vs and a ch I really would have liked to have submitted, but thought it was a whole song thing. Have had a shit week for writing. Understand the transaction of sharing and yourself vulnerable and offering yourself.

Oh well will have to catch the train next time - have much to say about submissions but feel I would be rude, Good luck may be I will catch the next deadline

well, i have no objection to receiving critiques from someone who hasn't submiitted. as long as you're a writer i think you could add something to the discussion. anyone disagree?

[Nicole_Rose]

Originally Posted by Yonce N Mild

Great stuff everybody.

I'll start off with True Love by Nichole Rose, since it's at the top of the list. =)

I should start out by saying that love songs are definitely not my strong point so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Being the very lucky husband of a wonderful woman there are several parts of this song that I relate very strongly to.

The whole vibe of feeling very lucky and blessed to be loved by someone so amazing comes across quite strong. Also the feeling of strength and confidence that comes from knowing that you have someone to stand by you is pretty well conveyed. Lots of warm fuzzies for sure.

My only grip (and this is a common problem I have with a lot of love songs) are the cliches. I would go on a cliche busting mission to make it a little more unique.

Example: Maybe instead of "No on has ever touched the way you do"
I feel alive when you touch me the way that you do. Or I feel, on fire, inspired, so strong, so safe......ya know something that is a little different.

I'm kind of torn about the chorus because it is very cliche but in a chorus that can make for a great hook. I'd have to hear the melody before passing judgment.

I think you could get away with using the "every time you kiss me the world is new" line twice in place of "every time you hug me I'm renewed" since you double up on the "I'm so glad you chose to be my wife. " at the end of the other verses. It might give the song some more cohesion, I'm a sucker for repetition in the verses. On the other hand I relate to the line, "every time you hug me I'm renewed" more strongly that any other line in the song so I guess I'm torn there.

The last thing I noticed is this line "I'm so glad you chose to be my wife. "
I'm not sure glad is a strong enough word. Maybe blessed or I thank god instead?


I hope that doesn't sound like I'm tearing your song apart. I approached it as if I had written it and I was coming back to it later to tighten it up. It was very easy for me to feel like I was saying those words to my wife which IMHO is a good measure of a song if you audience can strongly relate to the lyrics.

Overall I think it's a great love song, even for a guy who's not much for sappy love songs. It did motivate me to go downstairs and give my wife a massive bear hug so you've done a great job of stirring up my emotions anyway.

don't worry, i didn't feel like you were tearing my song apart. i found your critique insightful and pleasing. i'm really glad you liked the song and i'm really glad it moved you. that's what we're after at the end of the day isn't it? to move our audience?

i agree with you in general about cliche's though i'm not sure you can really write a good love song without at least a couple. the line, "No one's ever touched me the way you do," doesn't refer to physically touching me. it refers to emotionally touching me. it may be a good idea to change it, or not, but i have no idea at this point what i would change it to. i simply said things they way i feel them and it came out like that. but i certainly will think about it.

the chorus was the only part i wasn't immediately happy with. definitely a cliche. the melody for it is simple but it's short. so maybe it will be alright. i can't wait to hear what you think after you've heard the melody.

i would prefer not to repeat the second to last line in the verse. i've repeated the first and last lines. because they are important. to give them emphasis. it would be funny to me if i repeated another line.

and you're probably right. glad is a bit of an understatement. but i couldn't think of a better word, and i still can't. i've looked up in the thesaurus and there are no better synonyms. blessed i can't use because i've already used the word blessing in the first verse. and i don't really want to put a religious spin on the song so thank God is out though i do indeed thank him for her almost every day. i think the fact that the line is repeated might be enough emphasis on that emotion that i can get away with it. but again, it's something i'll think about and try to come up with something better.

thank you for your critique.

[Nicole_Rose]

i don't have a lot to say about leading me on.

not a lot jumps out at me Gerry. it's pretty good as it is. i really need to hear a song to be able to figure it out.

the only nit pick i have is that the meter for the verses isn't the same. or at least it doesn't seem so. (i'll have to hear it to be sure) of course i've gone off the meter a time or two in my songwriting too so if that doesn't bother you then ignore me

[Nicole_Rose]

take everything i say with salt because i haven't heard it, and i need to hear it to really get it.

the first thing i notice in the first verse you said that no one heard you twice, though in different ways. for one thing i don't think it needs repeating, and for two, the second way you said it is kind of weird and could certainly be better.

this line "I realized then, that I was done," sticks out like a sore thumb because it's all by itself and doesn't seem to go with anything else. i'd have to hear it like i said to be sure. i would use something like it as a last line to the first part instead of repeating that you went unheard.

"Changes are always something we need,
“But why right now?” was my desperate plea,"

i don't get this part. you're not going through changes, you're dying of smoke inhalation.

this part...

She’d have been so proud of me to make it through,
But my silver-lined cloud was now the deepest of blues
I realized then what I knew that I should do
So I closed my eyelids, and I’ll leave the rest up to you

another i don't get it. i thought you had survived. i thought you were happy to be alive. you seem to indicate that you let yourself die. am i wrong? for me it doesn't seem to jive with the rest.

anyway, that's about all i have to say about it. it's not bad, but definitely use some work.

[Nicole_Rose]

pretty good. like i keep saying, i'll have to hear it to really get it, but the lyrics seem to flow quite well all the way through. as in Gerry's song the meter changes in the verses. but that can be ok as long as it's done well.

can't wait to hear it

[Yonce N Mild]

leading me on

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

i don't have a lot to say about leading me on.

not a lot jumps out at me Gerry.

I'll second that I keep reading through it trying to find something to pick at. (It is a critique after all) and nothing is jumping out at me.

I did have to read through it a few times before I could get the rhythm down but that won't be a problem when it's put to music.

"You said “Be my man” and I went out of my mind" = awesome line, I like that a lot.

I really like this part as well.

"It was our first kiss (and) it was our last night
Before you broke my heart you know it felt so right"

Very expressive paints a very clear picture.

Good work.

[Nicole_Rose]

i like it, but it but some of the words seem awkward to sing at times. and the meter changes drastically in places. and there isn't a chorus, unless it's just not marked.

i'd like to hear it to see how it sounds.

[Nicole_Rose]

the prechorus seems awkward to sing. though i'd need to hear it to understand the meter. the second part is better. i think that you might be able to say something more significant than "you'll just have to make it through" i think, what will you do to make it through or some such might be better. but take my opinion with salt. i really need to hear it to get it. can't wait to read/hear the rest.

[Nicole_Rose]

this line, "we keep on wishing we were" seems awkward, i think you need to shorten it to fit with the last ones and next ones. and this part, "(end my holocaust)" also seems a bit awkward to sing in the same kind of way that the other () lines are. BUT, if you are a good melodist that might not be true. so like i keep telling everyone take everything i say with salt, i really have to hear something to get it.

can't wait to hear it

[Yonce N Mild]

I really liked this. I actually got goosebumps as I got to the end.
Some really good lines in this song.

What is the meaning of "my glove"?
I ask because I always found glove to be a funny word.
I makes me think of Spinal Tap or Johnnie Cochran.
When you put love and glove together it really makes me chuckle. (I know shame on me for my dirty thoughts)

If glove isn't important to the song I think My love, my god, my loaded gun would be a kick ass line. My love, my god and my divine works too.

I think some of the rhymes sound a little forced and the story isn't completely coherent. Here are a few things I came up with:

Instead of:
The door was locked, no one heard me
My silent screams went heard only by nobody

Maybe:
the door was locked nobody could see
My silent screams were heard only by me

Instead of:
My lungs started to fill with the smog
As the partiers danced innocently out in the hall

Maybe:
My lungs seared with pain as I scratched at the wall
While oblivious dancers rocked out in the hall


These lines kick ass:
Not a soul in the world felt my heart stop
Over the blaring speakers that reeked of Tupac

This is the line that gave me goosebumps:
She’s sitting there, singing one of my songs,

I think that's OK that the story is a little vague if that is what your going for but I get mixed feelings. Is it an accident is it suicide? I definitely get an I wanted to die vibe at certain parts. Not sure if that is what you are going for?

Cool song just needs some cleaning up. I'd love to hear it set to music. What genre is it in?

[Yonce N Mild]

Originally Posted by Nicole_Rose

this line, "we keep on wishing we were" seems awkward, i think you need to shorten it to fit with the last ones and next ones. and this part, "(end my holocaust)" also seems a bit awkward to sing in the same kind of way that the other () lines are. BUT, if you are a good melodist that might not be true. so like i keep telling everyone take everything i say with salt, i really have to hear something to get it.

can't wait to hear it

Right on the money Nichole. I've started working on a melody and when I sing it The line is actually "We keep wishing we were". Just dropping the on out of it makes it fit perfectly.

The (end my holocaust) line is actually sung by me and the backing vocalist so you are exactly right it is different than the other backing vocals.

That's cool that you could get a feel for that just by reading it!

Thanks!

[up-fiddler]

I have been in the shop all day working on violins. I will start working on reviews on the morrow. I have read them all several times but haven't written any critiques yet. I am excited to get at it and receive same. Thanks to Nicole and Yonce for being prompt and getting the ball rolling!

Whatmysay.... Don't feel badly or left out. I was pretty certain that everyone wouldn't be able to jump in. We all work differently and sometimes the inspiration just isn't there. When that happens there isn't much you can do except work and wait it out. I started this as a fun and informative kick in the butt to make us stretch a bit and get us out of the winter doldrums. (Except for the Aussies.) I am glad that there was such great interest and response. Let's see how it turns out and then look at something else.

[mikeh]

Since up-fiddler has not had a chance to offer his thoughts and others have indeed gotten the ball rolling - I'll offer my thoughts. Anything I offer is obviously no more than my humble opinion. Since I try to write in a rather tradional way - my opinions will be based accordingly. While there are no rights or wrongs with art - I personally, think the actual craft of songwriting does often call for certain time tested skills and techniques..

True Love
I always look to see if the title of a song appears in the song - I'm of the opinion that should be a large part of the lyrical "hook" - and in this song, it does not happen. I am not a fan of love songs - considering them a little to easy a target. Certainly it's a universal theme and no doubt can tug on heart strings.....but - I love you has been done to death. This song has a lot of cliche' phrases - which are hard to avoid in a love song (which is part of why I don't care for them....as a writer) and the life/wife rhyme to me is like nails on a chalkboard. The story line is a bit too obvious (again one of the negatives of love songs). However, I am a huge fan of internal rhymes which this song includes to good effect. It's clear the write knows how to write a well structured song - I would only suggest to try to find ways to say "I love you" without resorting to "I love you".

Leading Me On
The chorus does hit on the title/hook - which I thing is a rather important writing skill. The 1st verse starts a good story line, bu verse two has a couple of awkward phrases (in particular lines 1 & 2). I like the chorus and think it hits the mark. I like the direction of the 4th verse and the line "it whispered more than friends" is very interesting (although I had to read it twice to "get it"). The bridge seems to lose continuity - "first kiss - last night", yet the rest of the song implies a longer, deeper relationship.

My Glove
There is a passing line re: "my glove" - which I think is a shame, since this is a unique concept of an all encompassing metaphor, which I think should be played out more. I like that the song implies suicide, but does not pound it home too obviously. Some of the phrases are very unqiue, but the lack of rhyme makes it both difficult to feel a meter and really lends this as more prose than skilled songwriting. I do think you could tell this story with many less words and make it more potent in the process. However, only a creative (or distured) mind could weave some of the phrases in this song.

Brenda's Child
In my humble opinion, the best song in this thread (when looked at in a traditional way toward the actual craft of writing) - with a very clear beginning, middle and end. Again the title is not really hit as the hook (although it is easy to link the title). The line "alone with all his friends" is a great line, the definition of irony. The last verse concludes the story without being overly obvious. I find it hard to offer any negative critique, but I do think the bridge reads weak compared to the verses (perhaps because the verses are all very good). While the bridge does a very good job of setting up the last verse, the rhymes seem a little forced. I offer my utmost compliment.....I wish I would have writen this.

Song Start
Not enough here for me to offer an opinion - I think the chorus (in particular lines 1, 2 & 3) reads better than the pre-chorus. This could be a potent story if developed.

All Is Not Lost
The chorus repeatedly hits the title/hook - there would likely be no doubt of the name of the song (if people hear a song on the radio and want to remember it - this is important) Many very interesting thymes and phrases - very creative. The chorus seems a little weak complared to the verses - but perhaps because the verses as really "hard hitting". Clearly, this writer spends time thinking about creative rhymes/story lines

[ido1957]

True Love – Nicole Rose

Verse 1 Part 1
“All there is you and I “
- Grammar wise, it seems to need another “is” after the “is” but that affects the meter…

Verse 1 Part 2
The structure of Verse 1 part 2 is very good, and reads really well/easily. I liked it right away – a good sign IMO.

Chorus
- I like the past/future intent here….good idea.
- The two lines are pretty similar, add a few different words but keep the theme, it is a good theme
- I would like to see the title used as a hook in the chorus. The phrase “True Love” is good hook line.

Verse 2 Part 1
“every time you hug me I'm renewed”
- “hug” is not doing it for me (sorry) just a personal preference
- I would prefer use “love” me or “kiss” me again

Verse 2 Part 2
- again, I like the structure and phrases used here a lot

I liked the song overall. It’s a classic theme. It might need a break or bridge to lengthen it a bit….not sure….the length depends on the tempo.

******************************************************************

My Glove (Himynameisbuddy)

“The door was locked, no one heard me
My silent screams went heard only by nobody”
- the word “heard” appears twice; could try a different word in one of the spots

“I realized then, that I was done”
- this lines seems to sit outside of the verses all by itself. Kinda lonely….

My love, my glove, my loaded gun
- key line here, interesting combination of descriptors especially the loaded gun

The five-line paragraph – is it a bridge? It has five lines versus four in the others

“Are the ones that fall from her crying eyes,
So beautiful, so bright”
- more lines that seem alone outside of the verses, just visually
- they continue the story though so they are necessary
The tense switches from past to present a couple of times, not as noticeable when you sing it but on paper it slightly noticeable.

“But my silver-lined cloud was now the deepest of blues”
- one of my favorite lines in the lyrics

“So I closed my eyelids, and I’ll leave the rest up to you”
- I agree with you that this need a different “closer”


The hospital room part is my favorite. It has some good imagery, emotion and expression.

****************************************************************
I'm Finally Coming Home - Michael L. Helgesen

This is one was the easiest/best reads so far. The meter/rhyming is great.
Tough to find much I’d change but….

As I read the chorus the first time, it seemed that the first verse didn’t emphasize the bad things that the narrator had done. The second verse was stronger at relaying that message. The chorus made more sense after the second verse. I do see the two lines in the first verse :

“At times it seemed I lost my way
With dead ends here and there”

..but they seem to convey a problem with navigating on first read… I guess I’m trying to say it could be more direct in the first verse. Minor thing really, but thought I would mention it…

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Brenda’s Child – Dave Morehouse

My favorite story so far. Dark story, pretty true to life, really makes you think of the shortcomings in our society and how these situations can backfire. Great story/theme for a song. Haven’t seen one like this since “I Don’t Like Mondays”

“In school he sat all by himself, alone with all his friends.”
- Good play on words

Then they would cry, cry, cry. They would cry.
- Wondering if the tense is mixed up here. I thought “soon they would cry” would suit this maybe.

Good read overall, I like the “cry cry cry” part - it really works well in the song.

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Song Start – Nightfire

I would say the pre-chorus and chorus could easily be switched around.
Song is coming together well so far. I like most of what’s there.

“you'll just have to make it through”
- Not bad, but could be a more “specific” line here

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All is Not Lost – Yonce N Mild

Pretty good overall, I like the aggressive/resolute nature of the lyrics. The call and response is really effective. Good use of the title in the chorus.

“If we break off these chains and tear through the ceiling”
- this is the only line (the ceiling part) that seemed out of place in the story. It’s not an imagery that we normally encounter. If you said “walls” it might work better.

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[up-fiddler]

Nicole – I am a fan of love songs so I have a clear bias going in on this one. In verse 1 I am not fond of “the world is new”. It’s difficult to write love songs without cliché’s but that one is over the top for me. I think there would be other ways to say the same thing and keep your rhyme scheme intact. The first line sets the song up very well. (If I am understanding what is going on>)

I think the third line of the third verse is the strongest in the song but I am a sucker for internal rhymes within a line. I would love to see more of them in this type of song.

I assume that you would end with the chorus? If not then please consider doing so. It is simple and repetitive and I like that. It gives me something to 'stick in my head'.

A last thought, for now, ……. Is this a duet with the woman singing part 1s and the man singing part 2s? If it isn’t then I think you should consider that also. I think it would add power and interplay to the tune and make it still stronger. Just my honest thoughts. Dave.

[Yonce N Mild]

I'll second the notion that this is the easiest read of the lot. By the 3rd line I had easily slipped into the rhythm and flow of the song. I can't help but hear possible melodies as I read this.

Are you excited about writing music for these lyrics? I certainly would be.


I really don't have any criticisms for this one. The story is powerful and well expressed and the rhythm is perfect.

Are there any lines you are uncomfortable with that you would like suggestions on?

Very cool song.

[up-fiddler]

Ido – If the entire song was as good as the first two lines of the fourth stanza this would be one of the best breakup songs ever! I would try hard to work that type of cleverness into the rest of the song if I were you. “It whispered more than friends when that was all it could be.” is burned in my brain. Great line. I know it would detract from the story but perhaps it could be worked in to the chorus?

The other thing that stands out for me is that the bridge and the chorus could be exchanged. I like the bridge much better than the chorus. The song even reads better, to me, when I drop the chorus completely and replace it with the bridge.

As I have stated and demonstrated, I am a sucker for love (and love gone wrong) songs. However, there are so many out there that we, as writers, need to be very clever in our storylines to try to compete with them if that is our purpose. Your story is ages old and I like it. I would like to see more of it resemble the fourth verse in its craftsmanship. Good tune in my book. Again, I am trying to be objective and straightforward is the spirit of the Challenge.

[Yonce N Mild]

This is a bit of a taboo subject and it makes people uncomfortable to talk about........ I love that. Excellent choice of subject matter.

The flow and the structure are also excellent. You tell the story well from start to finish. Especially since the ending is more implied than explicitly stated. I wish I was better at that. I am also jealous of the cry cry cry lines. So simple and so musical it's almost impossible to just say it.........you have to sing it.

I could definitely learn from this. I tend to write poems then turn them into songs. This is obviously a song from the get go.

Now to the nit picks.

There is a Tupac song called "Brenda's got a baby". That would bother me, but Brenda and baby do go well together. I'm not sure of another name that would work as well.

The terms Atari and joystick are both rather dated. If Brenda's baby boy was born in 93, he probably isn't playing Atari. I don't know that I would use a brand name there because no matter what eventually it will sound dated as technology changes. Maybe just he fired up his game/games?

"He’d jerk the joystick back and forth" is a good line because of the alliteration there. Maybe He'd crank the controller back and forth? Controller refers to everything from Atari to Xbox controllers so it probably won't sound dated until the day when we plug our video games straight into our faces.

But in the end what he learned best
Was how to point and shoot……..

This line just bothered me on a philosophical level. Being a video game lover I take exception to the way video games are portrayed in the media as being "murder simulators" and "training" kids to kill.

I won't argue that point with you I can totally understand and respect that point of view.(that's not what we are here for anyway) If that is the point you are trying to make you nailed it, because it got a little rise out of me which means it is a well stated powerful lyric.

The only reason I mention it is that it might alienate younger listeners.

That being said I don't know how you could change it because it is so important to the story line.

I'll give this one a little more thought and see what I can come up with.

Great song though, I could definitely takes a few hints from your style.

Thanks for sharing.

[Yonce N Mild]

I don't have too much to say on this one. I do think it is a great start to a song.
A possible line that came to mind for me for the second chorus is:

Because you lost you mind in 2000 and 3
Far away in that fierce desert heat.


If in fact this is song about the effects of war on a solider.


Good stuff I can't wait to hear more.

[Nicole_Rose]

i think we should each critique our own song as well. especially after reading a few of the other's critiques.

all of your critiques have reminded me of the things i didn't feel comfortable with when i first wrote it, but let them slide because i couldn't think of anything better at the time.

i mistyped the lyrics. there are indeed supposed to be two is's in a row in the first line to each verse.

there are several things i didn't feel right about when i wrote these lyrics.
"the world is new" didn't strike me as being right, it was just the closest i could come. i'm still trying to come up with something "right" to replace it.

"different world view" struck me as so wrong that when i went to record vocals on it, i instinctively changed it to "different point of view" and it seems to work better though it doesn't say as much.

"every time you hug me" stuck out like a sore thumb. i've found that "hold" works much better than "hug".

the repeated "life/wife" rhyme bothered me a bit but the lines leading to life, are so different that i'm going to let it stand.

the chorus

at first it bothered me that it was so simple and repetitive. but it says exactly what i want it to say, regardless of cliche's. the best way to say i love you is to say i love you. it's a cliche for a reason.

and i've been a bit bothered by the fact that the title doesn't enter the song. BUT, lot's of good songs don't have the title in the song anywhere. "black dog" by led zeppelin, and "misty mountain hop" again by led zeppelin.

AND the title is implied by the words, yes it's true, and you know it's true. when you ask what is true, love is the first answer i come up with.