Advice for my original song

[Jahn]

Here's the tune, lyrics are there in the description.

First two stanzas I think I'm holding together okay, but after that I feel like I just ended up in a rut of two-line wordplay stanzas. Can you suggest a way to fill that out but still fit the progression of the song? If so I can work on lyrics to work into any suggestions.

Thanks in advance. For your convenience, below are the lyrics.

Is there something to achieve
If only you believed
That we were never wrong
But what will you hold on to

You fail to realize
That I am changing sides
Nothing can be done
Can’t you see what I’ve become tonight

You’ll never understand
That you’ll understand

I never had a plan
That I’d have a plan

And I will wander
I will be wandering

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by Jahn

Here's the tune, lyrics are there in the description.

First two stanzas I think I'm holding together okay, but after that I feel like I just ended up in a rut of two-line wordplay stanzas. Can you suggest a way to fill that out but still fit the progression of the song? If so I can work on lyrics to work into any suggestions.

Thanks in advance. For your convenience, below are the lyrics.

Is there something to achieve
If only you believed
That we were never wrong
But what will you hold on to

You fail to realize
That I am changing sides
Nothing can be done
Can’t you see what I’ve become tonight

You’ll never understand
That you’ll understand

I never had a plan
That I’d have a plan

And I will wander
I will be wandering

I have to agree with your assessment. The couplets at the end, while somewhat clever, just don't seem to fit. Perhaps use them in a different song? I like songs that are built around questions. This one needs some development but it is a strong start. A question you might ask yourself, "What is the purpose of the of the questions in the first two stanzas?" Use that answer to develop your song. That's probably what I would try next but I understand that everyone works differently. Good luck.

[Jahn]

great insight, thanks! i'll work on it!

[Jahn]

Advice taken, I kept (actually combined) a couplet, but I fleshed out the song to the point that I think it's more complete now and has more resolution. What do you think? I'll post the music with the lyrics in a day or two.
-----

Is there something to achieve
If only you believed
That we were never wrong
But what will you hold on to

To meet me at the shore
Reaching relentlessly
I’m drifting to the floor
Where I fall is where I belong tonight

Where do I belong
And I will wander

We’re wading in the stream
I left you wondering
If we would settle down

Rushing past you, rushing
You fail to realize
That I am changing

What I’ve become tonight (Dm, A)
And nothing can be done (Dm7, A)

I am wondering
If you would only believe
That we were never wrong
This is what we hold on to

To meet there on the shore
Reach for me relentlessly
I’m drifting to the floor
Where I fall is where you are tonight

Where do I belong
I have wandered

We’re wading in the stream
I left you wondering
If we would settle down
Rushing past you, rushing

And you realize
That I am changing sides
Nothing can be done
About what I’ve become

Tonight, you’ll understand (Dm, A)
Tonight, we will meet there (Dm7, A)

And we will meet there, again

[up-fiddler]

It flows much better now. If the Dm7,A is indeed part of the song then I am looking forward to hearing it posted. That is an unusual modulation that can work well depending on how it is used.

[Jahn]

oops, left some chord guides in there from my cut and paste. yes, that's where they are and i'll post it up soon. thanks, getting free from those couplets really helped!

[Jahn]

What timing, fighting off a killer cold right now but I managed to get part of it down in serviceable shape. How is the flow?

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6252696

Thanks!