I wrote this, not really proud

[Zarathustra]

I wrote the first lyrics I've ever committed to memory. I wrote it about a distancing friendship that's been making me feel overly-senstive and touchy about everything.

I'm also a really sensitive guy, so I suppose I never want to do this as a business. I'm glad this at least rhyme. I hate sappy songwriting, but I'm pretty sure I've done it here, no more impressive than the last guy, but I've been friends with this guy for five years and he treats me like a stranger.

"Is this just an ease of act?
Doesn't it cease to even mean?
Play it throughout these different days and times
Changing the actors and the rhymes?

And would it satisfy you
If I made your every need mine?
Would it gratify me, searching to know
If everything's fine?

Are you really my friend?
Would you make me break and bend?
Does it hurt you,
Or does it bemuse you?
This kind of things always amused you.
Is this some illusion of mine?
Or is this simply time,
Breaking what seemed so solid
But your complexion was always so stollid.

And would it satisfy you
If I made your every need mine?
Would it gratify me, searching to know
If everything's fine?"

Do you like it? Eh? That's fine.

[ido1957]

Being sensitive is a big part of songwriting and being a musician. Embrace it and it will be a strong source of inspiration. Your lyrics are a good example of the sensitivity that you feel. I think a few of the rhymes are a little forced (solid + stolid) but the story is good.

[DAS19]

I think we all are sensitive. Cool lyrics. As long as they came from the heart they are good lyrics. Is this friend more then a friend? I got that vibe but that could just be me.

Dave

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by ido1957

Being sensitive is a big part of songwriting and being a musician. Embrace it and it will be a strong source of inspiration. Your lyrics are a good example of the sensitivity that you feel. I think a few of the rhymes are a little forced (solid + stolid) but the story is good.

ido1957 gives great advice here. Never be ashamed of being overly sensitive when writing. Then, as a stopgap, give yourself some time between writing and rewriting a song. In that way you can distance yourself from the emotion of the moment. Use the rewrite to clarify what you really want to say. Use your initial emotion and inspiration to give the song energy and form.

When we write things initially we think they are great expressions of the moment. (Otherwise we would write something else.) Give yourself time and don't be afraid to rewrite many times to get exactly what you want. If you do that then it won't matter if anyone else likes it or not because you will have written and rewritten a piece of art that is important to you. If everyone esle likes it then that is a perk....and possibly a hit!

[himynameisbuddy]

First off, the lyrics are a lot better than you're giving them credit for

This may just be me, but I try to stay away from what I call "cookie-cutter" rhymes, such as rhyming "mine" with "fine" and (as mentioned before) "solid" with "stolid." Maybe this is cheating, but I use RhymeZone a LOT when I write. It really helps... just be careful not to find such a good rhyme that you go off and change your whole story, just to fit that rhyme in - I'm guilty of just that :P . Two-syllable rhymes can really make a song so much more "real."

Anyway, I love where you're coming from; this definitely has potential

www.rhymezone.com

[Zarathustra]

"I'm a poet, don't you know it, and the wind, you can blow it."

I've never had much luck with rhyming, much less good rhyming. I really don't like the "Everything's fine", because I can't help singing with emphasis that sounds stupid. I also dislike cookie-cutter rhyming, but I'm not even that good at. I have an additional bit here that I'm kind of thinking as I'm typing.

I believe I am so fake
As to want to cause you pain
Just to see if you're the same
And reject you when you've changed
Yet I feel you've hurt me
If it was intentional
Please desert me
But I'm desperate for a friend

[chazba]

Kinda makes me want to write a song about a Klingon Friend....

Oh Klingon friend
You're a pain-in-the-ass
So get a life
Show some class
Quit depending on me
To give your life meaning
You're pissing me off with
Your glistening tears shining
Grow the fuck up
And for God's sake quit whining

How's that...can you believe that it took me less than 3 minutes to write that???
That's what happens when I get inspired


writeonnnnnnnnn....
chazba

[ido1957]

Originally Posted by Zarathustra

"I'm a poet, don't you know it, and the wind, you can blow it."

I've never had much luck with rhyming, much less good rhyming. I really don't like the "Everything's fine", because I can't help singing with emphasis that sounds stupid. I also dislike cookie-cutter rhyming, but I'm not even that good at. I have an additional bit here that I'm kind of thinking as I'm typing.

I believe I am so fake
As to want to cause you pain
Just to see if you're the same
And reject you when you've changed
Yet I feel you've hurt me
If it was intentional
Please desert me
But I'm desperate for a friend

I'm really enjoying your lyrics Z. There's lots of emotion and feeling being expressed, the best songs have this quality. Post with music once you get that done....

[rayc]

Ido1957 has good suggestions and is a good example - he writes very personal, emotional & expressive songs that eskew cloying sentimentality through directness and honesty.
He writes excellent melodies to carry his words.
He writes terrific riffs & progressions to carry the melody.
All that saidd - the package he puts together from those elements is more than the sum of the parts - & I've already told you what I think of the parts.
Your words are fine - they don't stand up as poetry, that's not a put down as most song lyrics don't - because lyrics rely on delivery for a great deal of their impact. Your lyrics are nakedly direct & obviously a self examination. I like them - I like directness and exposed nerves. I can't write like this anymore. I was more direct years ago but as I became an emotional coward I reached for obscurities and clever dick word play that rarely worked. The difference can be heard/read in the lyrics I did with "Miriam & I" http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=3479820&q=hi which is a younger me & the work of Pygmy Beat http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=4072258&q=hi which is the hidden me (except for After the Burning http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=5814810&q=hi which is 50/50 I hadn't quite hidden behind the Clever Dick attempts) . Even when I wrote more directly I'd stuff it up with indirect, flowery or protogoth language. I admire direct writing & the way it communicates.
Did you have a sketch of melody or a metre in your head as you progressed?
I'd like to HEAR where this goes.

[up-fiddler]

Originally Posted by rayc

Did you have a sketch of melody or a metre in your head as you progressed?
I'd like to HEAR where this goes.

Ditto. rayc and ido, in addition to laying down great tracks, give great advice. I look forward to hearing your thoughts in musical sketch form.

[AudioClueless]

I think sensitivity is a good trait to carry as a songwriter. I like the story in the song. As others have pointed out it appears as though some it is "forced" but there is no doubt in my mind that you mean what your song is saying and that is important IMO.

[Zarathustra]

Well, I've been trying different melodies based on a F C Bb C F progression, but I'm thinking to perhaps change the key and progression entirely. I can only make a really lousy copy right now with my computer microphone and my bad singing, but here goes nothing.

I did have a bit of a melody, but it usually comes out together as a rough melody and lyrics, they're just usually not any good.

I constantly compare myself to Dylan, which I suppose is a bad thing, but he's my favorite songwriter, some of his stuff is so amazingly poetic and cryptic that it's like walking into an entirely different dimension for me. I dislike not having any skill at poetry, but I can sometimes get a decent song structure going, I just rarely have a point to my song.

Edit: You know, I have a recording now, but all the nice things you're saying about the song are probably going to be destroyed by this. I had a metronome in the background that I barely followed, it just... really distracts from what's already really forced and just kind of weird sounding. I think the last lines are brilliant, but that's probably just because I'm an idiot. Anyways, this is what my song basically sounds like now....

http://www.box.net/shared/y3tk7ot2c0

[Whatmysay]

If you like the key of F try this progression

F - C - E (7) - Am
F - C - Bb - Am

I'm really enjoying that but haven't written any lyrics yet - it might take you somewhere

Good luck

Burt

[ido1957]

Just finished listening to your recording. I liked it . You sound a lot like Dylan and I hope you take that as a compliment. You also retain a certain uniqueness in both your voice and playing which is good too.

Chord pattern is good - I'd keep it where it is for the most part. Melody works well with the chords...

It really helps to hear the music with the lyrics. It gives me a better picture of the direction and feel of the song. If it had been death metal it would have been a completely different feel, so it's good to know where you're heading.

You need to adjust the tempo on your metronome. Your own tempo wasn't bad, but there's a slight difference in tempos between you and the machine.
I know it's just a rough recording though.....

Good job getting this down on mp3. It gives you a record of your work and allows you to listen and possibly make revisions. The rough sketch is important as a reference.

When you get the format to where you want it, post the full lyrics. I heard some nice additions to the ones posted originally.

[Zarathustra]

Well, someone else likes it.

I've been told my style is very influenced by Dylan, I do take it as a compliment. My voice, is uh, unique... I'm a pretty limited singer sometimes, but I really do love the oddness of Bob's voice.

I suppose it's just a typical thing, but I generally don't like the sound of my voice recorded and I thought the first comment was going to be railing down on my performance as utter garbage. There's still time, though! It took me alot of takes to get what sounds pretty bad to myself, but the main thing I'm having trouble with is the somewhat inconsistent meter and not having a totally planned out chord progression.

I have a habit of never playing the same thing the same way for very long. Anyways, the metronome is something I bought to improve my tendency to go off-tempo, but I sometimes drown it out or forget it in the course of my own playing. I plan to get a better quality recording in a couple of weeks using my mixer at a friend's house. I personally still hear it as crap.