Presenting...another song, "To Her The Armor Shines"

[mjr]

"To Her The Armor Shines"
Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

V1:
She doesn't see me the way I do
she sees me from her own point of view
don't know why she loves me this much
she's there for me when I need a crutch

V2:
Despite my imperfections she stands by my side
she gave me her hand and became my bride
she fell in love with a regular guy
for the life of me I don't know why.

Chorus:
I must really be some kind of charmer
to end up with a woman like mine
I'm just a knight in dull and battered armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

V3:
There's something 'bout me that she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like the other guys
I can see the love sparkle in her eyes.

V4:
She tells me she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what you see is what you get
she said she'd make a list, but it'd be too long
and with each other is where we belong

--------

Of course, it's not set in stone, and I always welcome comments!

[ido1957]

Hey Monte - good love song, inspired by your true love no doubt.... He's a few edits - only suggestions - take 'em or leave 'em (LOL)

Originally Posted by mjr

"To Her The Armor Shines"
Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

V1:
She doesn't see me the way I do
she sees me from her own point of view
don't know why she loves me this much
she's there for me when I need a crutch

- maybe use "so much" instead of "this much"
- crutch is not my favorite word, maybe "when I need her touch"

Originally Posted by mjr

V2:
Despite my imperfections she stands by my side
she gave me her hand and became my bride
she fell in love with a regular guy
for the life of me I don't know why.

- this rhyming is good but might have too many "I" sounds in one verse
- either that or match up the pattern in other verses
- line 1 is a bit long when reading - maybe "she's always there by my side"

Originally Posted by mjr

Chorus:
I must really be some kind of charmer
to end up with a woman like mine
I'm just a knight in dull and battered armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

- nothing I would change here - cool!

Originally Posted by mjr

V3:
There's something 'bout me that she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like the other guys
I can see the love sparkle in her eyes.

- great lines all of them
- this is a good rhyming scheme too

Originally Posted by mjr

V4:
She tells me she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what you see is what you get
she said she'd make a list, but it'd be too long
and with each other is where we belong

- these are good lines are a tad longer than the preceeding
- maybe shorten but keep the same main thought
- if you pronounce get like "git" you have a similar rhyme pattern as previous

Ok enough editting.....

- good theme
- this "swings" really well when read
- lots of cool rhymes going/not forced

Keep us posted on updates/music when you can....


--------

Of course, it's not set in stone, and I always welcome comments! [/QUOTE]

[mjr]

Originally Posted by ido1957

Hey Monte - good love song, inspired by your true love no doubt.... He's a few edits - only suggestions - take 'em or leave 'em (LOL)



- maybe use "so much" instead of "this much"
- crutch is not my favorite word, maybe "when I need her touch"



- this rhyming is good but might have too many "I" sounds in one verse
- either that or match up the pattern in other verses
- line 1 is a bit long when reading - maybe "she's always there by my side"


- nothing I would change here - cool!


- great lines all of them
- this is a good rhyming scheme too


- these are good lines are a tad longer than the preceeding
- maybe shorten but keep the same main thought
- if you pronounce get like "git" you have a similar rhyme pattern as previous

Ok enough editting.....

- good theme
- this "swings" really well when read
- lots of cool rhymes going/not forced

Keep us posted on updates/music when you can....


--------

Of course, it's not set in stone, and I always welcome comments!

[/QUOTE]

I like those edits! I'll repost with edits in place when I have more time...

[mjr]

Ok...here's a revision (changes in bold)

"To Her The Armor Shines"
Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

V1:
She doesn't see me the way I do
she sees me from her own point of view
don't know why she loves me so much
she's there for me when I need her touch

V2:
Despite my flaws she stands by my side
she gave me her hand and became my bride
she fell in love with a Regular Joe
Don't ask me why, 'cause I don't know

Chorus:
I must really be some kind of charmer
to end up with a woman like mine
I'm just a knight in dull and battered armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

V3:
There's something 'bout me that she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like the other guys
I can see the love sparkle in her eyes.

V4:
She tells me she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what you see is what you get
she said she'd make a list, but it'd be too long
and with each other is where we belong

[ido1957]

Changes look good and read well....
Keep us posted with updates/music.....

[mikeh]

It's always hard to write a love song from an view that hasn't been done to death.

The phrase "To Her The Armor Shines" is very good and the approach to a love song is a little different slant (which is a good thing).

Your words and phrases are good and I have no specific thoughts about what you've written.

I do however, find myself thinking that there is a missed opportunity to expand (expound??) on the general "knight" theme. While it could be easy to get into cliche's - there are so many visuals (her knight sweeping her away, my Chevy truck is my trusted steed, etc.

Given that the main hook is "the armor shines" and given that there is only a brief passing reference to "I'm just a knight in dull and battered armor" - it feels like the real story (a knight in armor and his true love) never really develops.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by mikeh

It's always hard to write a love song from an view that hasn't been done to death.

The phrase "To Her The Armor Shines" is very good and the approach to a love song is a little different slant (which is a good thing).

Your words and phrases are good and I have no specific thoughts about what you've written.

I do however, find myself thinking that there is a missed opportunity to expand (expound??) on the general "knight" theme. While it could be easy to get into cliche's - there are so many visuals (her knight sweeping her away, my Chevy truck is my trusted steed, etc.

Given that the main hook is "the armor shines" and given that there is only a brief passing reference to "I'm just a knight in dull and battered armor" - it feels like the real story (a knight in armor and his true love) never really develops.

I think one approach here is that the singer doesn't consider himself a knight, but if he is, it's "in dull and battered armor". However, the woman sees him as the proverbial "knight in shining armor".

I do understand what you're saying, and you make a good point!

[mikeh]

Understood. I agree that from that perspective there is no advantage to play out the knight sub theme any more than it is.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by mikeh

Understood. I agree that from that perspective there is no advantage to play out the knight sub theme any more than it is.

Ok...I was looking back through my song book, and I've been thinking of making changes to this song. Here's the version I'm thinking of using:

"To Her The Armor Shines"

I'm just a knight in dull armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

V1:
She doesn't see me the way I do
she sees me from her point of view
don't know why she loves me so much
she's always there when I need her touch

V2:
Despite my flaws she's there by my side
she gave me her hand, her love - my bride
she fell in love with this Regular Joe
Don't ask me why, 'cause I'll never know

Chorus:
I must be some kind of charmer
to end up with a woman like mine
I'm just a knight in dull armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

V3:
There's something 'bout me she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like other guys
It fills me to see the love in her eyes.

V4:
She says she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what she sees is real
says she'd make a list, but it'd be too long
and with each other we belong.

So what do you guys think of these new revisions??

[ido1957]

There are a couple of things that caught my eye while reading...might not be noticeable when you put it to music though...

It fills me to see the love in her eyes.
Fills me with... what? kind of leaves me wondering....

V4:
She says she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what she sees is real

These two lines don't rhyme, but the first two lines of the other verses do, so there's a break in the pattern.

This latest version is a bit "tighter" meaning the lines are a bit shorter and more concise. They still retain the meaning, but are a quicker read. They read well and have a good meter so they should work well within a song.
Overall well written lyrics....I like this version....

[mjr]

Originally Posted by ido1957

There are a couple of things that caught my eye while reading...might not be noticeable when you put it to music though...

It fills me to see the love in her eyes.
Fills me with... what? kind of leaves me wondering....

V4:
She says she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what she sees is real

These two lines don't rhyme, but the first two lines of the other verses do, so there's a break in the pattern.

This latest version is a bit "tighter" meaning the lines are a bit shorter and more concise. They still retain the meaning, but are a quicker read. They read well and have a good meter so they should work well within a song.
Overall well written lyrics....I like this version....

Ok...one more minor revision, then...

Switch the 3rd verse back to...

There's something 'bout me that she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like the other guys
I can see the love sparkle in her eyes.

and change the line in the 4th verse from

she knows with me what she sees is real

to

she knows with me what you see is what you get

So that verse 4 reads:

She says she loves me 'cause I'm not slick
she knows with me what you see is what you get
says she'd make a list, but it'd be too long
and with each other we belong.

[ido1957]

Yes - those changes will work

[mjr]

Originally Posted by ido1957

Yes - those changes will work

What do you think of the "hook" of the song

I'm just a knight in dull armor
but To Her The Armor Shines

being at the very beginning, before the first verse? I kinda like it there, but I'm afraid if it's there, the song "payoff" might come too soon.

[ido1957]

I don't see a problem. The hook can go at the beginning of the song. It's kind of like singing the title of a story.....

"By the Time I Get to Phoenix" has the hook at the begining.

I'm sure there are other songs that do this too.

I know I've heard the hook like that at the beginning (outside the verse) - just can't remember which song(s). I'll think about it and post if I can remember the name(s).

[VGreen]

mjr,

I like the general sentiment of the song, but I'm concerned about the flow. For example: "says she'd make a list, but it'd be too long / and with each other we belong." These lines don't seem to flow, they sound like two statements. Personally I don't like "dull armor", sounds like Dali Lama or dilemma, try "faded". You might also play around with "man of steel". Here's a few changes I'd make.

I'm just a knight in faded armor
but To Her My Armor Shines

V1:
She doesn't see me the way I do
she sees me from her point of view
she's always there when I need her touch
don't know why she loves me so much (Reversed)

V2:
Despite my flaws she's there by my side
she gave me her hand, her love - my bride
she fell in love with this Regular Joe
Don't ask me why, 'cause I'll never know

Chorus:
I must be some kind of charmer
to end up with a woman like mine
I'm just a knight in faded armor
but To Her My Armor Shines

V3:
There's something 'bout me she loves
don't know why, but I'm glad she does
she says I'm not like other guys ...
...there’s no facade, no disguise

V4:
She says she loves me ‘cause I’m real
her knight in armor, her man of steel
and that the way I am’s just fine
because To Her My Armor Shines.