new lyrics... give opinion

[random.hero]

i wrote a lot of songs over the weekend, this is my favorite one... please give opinion

"-Take a look
At my dreams
things arent always what they seem

Crash the party
take it back
too late now cause you cant cover your tracks

make a move
turn around
you're feeling lost with your feet off the ground."

and then from here it would break into a bridge and chorus... and then some other stuff.

thats all i got so far, but im really liking it... there is a certain beat type thing to it that you would need to here to fully understand how its arranged...
u like?

[guitarist_44]

Its a good start, the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are decent, but I really like the first one. Lemmie know when its all done!

[random.hero]

for sure i will...
school is taking over my spare time!
6 days left

[chadman15]

i love it man and i cant wait to play it when its finished. what kind of feel does it have?

[ido1957]

I'm getting a good rocking feel just from reading the lyrics. This should turn out pretty good once it's done.

Only one small nit - the third line in verse 1 has less syllables that the third line in verse 2 and verse 3. Not sure how you want to work that out so they flow the same.....

Looking forward to hearing more of this.....

[random.hero]

sweet yes it has a rock feel to it... thanks for the input

[oceanirie]

Originally Posted by random.hero

i wrote a lot of songs over the weekend, this is my favorite one... please give opinion

"-Take a look
At my dreams
things arent always what they seem

Crash the party
take it back
too late now cause you cant cover your tracks

make a move
turn around
you're feeling lost with your feet off the ground."

and then from here it would break into a bridge and chorus... and then some other stuff.

thats all i got so far, but im really liking it... there is a certain beat type thing to it that you would need to here to fully understand how its arranged...
u like?

it was really really good

[random.hero]

"-Take a look
At my dreams
things arent always what they seem

Crash the party
take it back
too late now cause you cant cover your tracks

make a move
turn around
you're feeling lost with your feet off the ground.

too many ways to fall back in this world
too many ways to get lost in the sound


im trying to find it
another way out
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt (i dont like that line)

talking to yourself in a monotone voice
trying to decide if youve made the right choice


tell some lies
they'll unfold
you're not one that's easy to hold

break the limit
go unseen
its hard to stop one with a conciense so clean(i cant spell)

paint your picture
tear it down
flee the scene and dont make a sound

end?"
it definately needs a little more, and a lot of re arrangement, but i was pressured to finish the song... so there it is for the most part

[true-eurt]

Excellent Hero!!

[random.hero]

thanks true...

now i can go to sleep!

[random.hero]

bump.........

[Jahn]

Rearrangement to help with the flow (just a suggestion)- and also, the "but i'm full of doubt" line you should change soon if you don't like it, because it falls on the most emphasized part of your song, momentum-wise.

----------------------------

"-Take a look
At my dreams
things arent always what they seem

Crash the party
take it back
too late now cause you cant cover your tracks

(too many ways to fall back in this world
too many ways to get lost in the sound)

make a move
turn around
you're feeling lost with your feet off the ground...

CHORUS: im trying to find it
another way out
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt (2x, or with some change of lyrics to spice it up, or use a short instrumental bridge here)

tell some lies
they'll unfold
you're not one that's easy to hold

break the limit
go unseen
its hard to stop one with a conciense so clean

(talking to yourself in a monotone voice
trying to decide if youve made the right choice)

paint your picture
tear it down
flee the scene and dont make a sound

CHORUS: im trying to find it
another way out
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt

(Insert bad ass solo here)

im trying to find it
another way out
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt

[random.hero]

sweet...

lol i love the "insert a bad ass solo here"...
yeah im still workin on it...

[TelePaul]

Originally Posted by random.hero

i wrote a lot of songs over the weekend, this is my favorite one... please give opinion

"-Take a look
At my dreams
things arent always what they seem

Crash the party
take it back
too late now cause you cant cover your tracks

make a move
turn around
you're feeling lost with your feet off the ground."

and then from here it would break into a bridge and chorus... and then some other stuff.

thats all i got so far, but im really liking it... there is a certain beat type thing to it that you would need to here to fully understand how its arranged...
u like?

that first song reminds me of a cranberries song....good job man, i know you're gonna add more verses but I love the fact that theres only three right now...some of my favourite songs have only one verse and a refrain.

[andyhix]

CHORUS: im trying to find it
another way out
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt

If you get stuck on the one rhyme you don't like, and can't come up with something better, try the rhyme in the opposite order. Sometimes it helps to put the forced rhyme first. It'll stand out less that way. I lean on this trick a fair amount.

ie:
i dont want to admit it
but im full of doubt
im trying to find it
another way out

[ido1957]

Hero - Hix's suggestion is good....I'm going to try that when writing.....

I have nothing in the way of changes to suggest. Just wanted to let you know that it sounds good.

Looks like this one is shaping up nicely.

[random.hero]

thanks hix for the suggestion, that works out quite nicely!

also thanks for the feedback ido1957