what do you think of these lyrics?

[chadman15]

Chorus:
This is the sad song
Cause everything went wrong
So now I pray
For a better day
With a brighter place
And a change of pace
And that’s what I dream of
For the chance of solution
(hold out cord on “solution”)

Verse #1:
Get away from this place
To where things go my way
It all fell apart
Now I need a fresh start
Get me out of this mood
Cause right now I’m screwed
(hold out cord on “screwed”)

Bridge/ solo

Chorus
(cord break)

Verse #2:
This is the sad song
Cause now it’s all gone
Nothing left of what I knew
So now I turn to you
(cord break)

Verse #3:
Things will get better some day
Is what I’d wish you’d say
But your not there
So now I’m pulling out my hair
(cord break)

Chorus
(cord break)

COME BACK

[ido1957]

Originally Posted by chadman15

Chorus:
For the chance of solution
Verse #1:
Cause right now I’m screwed
Verse #3:
So now I’m pulling out my hair

I think the above lines are out of place with the type of words you've used in the preceding lines. They might fit though if this is a metal or hard rock song.
You haven't indicated that so I'm not sure. The preceding lines suggest a slow, melancholy song full of longing, but the words above are rougher in nature.

The lines in the various verses are not equal in syllables, so the meter on first read tends to vary. It would be good to hear this sung to see how the difference are applied in the live version.

Pretty much 90% done, maybe more if you can resolve my queries on the above.......

[guitarist_44]

You practically read my mind.

[chadman15]

Originally Posted by ido1957

I think the above lines are out of place with the type of words you've used in the preceding lines. They might fit though if this is a...

thanks. i know exactly what you mean so it's not finished. the overall feel of the song is mostly slow alternative and fits well so i'll try to tone down those parts more. i really apprechiate your input so thanks again

[random.hero]

hey nick... this is brandon
great song i cant wait to jam on it soon!

[dbeanerz]

with all respect, it reads like you just went for the most obvious rhyming word. the song doesnt seem to tell much of anything from plain text.

its to late to provide a reccomendation, but let loose a little and let things flow, take a chance or six.

[azraelswings]

Originally Posted by dbeanerz

with all respect, it reads like you just went for the most obvious rhyming word. the song doesnt seem to tell much of anything from plain text.

its to late to provide a reccomendation, but let loose a little and let things flow, take a chance or six.

Without meaning to offend, I must agree with the above. Most lines seemed very "songy" cliches chosen for rhymes.

[chadman15]

Originally Posted by dbeanerz

with all respect, it reads like you just went for the most obvious rhyming word. the song doesnt seem to tell much of anything from plain text.

i really understand what you mean and i hope to put out a revised copy very soon. thanks again for the input.

[random.hero]

hey chadman i cant jam this weekend... friday before catfest maybe?
we can revise and edit the music... my house if u want

[chadman15]

Originally Posted by random.hero

hey chadman i cant jam this weekend...

ya i think that might work out well

[dbeanerz]

im glad you can take some criticism without threatening my internet-life!

in all seriousness, keep up the work - i havent written a good song yet, but one of these days, things will come.

[random.hero]

i wrote probably 1 million songs at my cabin this weekend...
lots of inspiration there...
keep up the work chadman

[azraelswings]

Originally Posted by ido1957

I think the above lines are out of place with the type of words you've used in the preceding lines. They might fit though if this is a metal or hard rock song.
You haven't indicated that so I'm not sure. The preceding lines suggest a slow, melancholy song full of longing, but the words above are rougher in nature.

The lines in the various verses are not equal in syllables, so the meter on first read tends to vary. It would be good to hear this sung to see how the difference are applied in the live version.

Pretty much 90% done, maybe more if you can resolve my queries on the above.......

I agree with the above about those lines being out of place. the word "screwed" just doesn't fit and seems like a forced rhyme to me. In general It sounds like the rhymes are rather chased, as though the rhymes are dictating lyrics rather than vice versa. The first two lines of the last verse seem akward in that order. IMO, at least.

I think this song would live or die based on melody, if that makes sense.