Opinions on lyrics

[mjr]

I'd like opinions on these lyrics

The Other Me

This me is happy for you
This me is glad your dreams are coming true
This me says we should keep it friends
This me says he's a friend 'til the end.

(Chorus):

(But) The Other Me wants to hold you in his arms
The Other Me wants you for all time
The Other Me has a heartache every day
She loves him, she'll never see The Other Me

This me sees him raise her veil
This me sees him kiss his bride
This me sees people throw the rice
This me feels empty inside.

(chorus)

Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

[famous beagle]

Originally Posted by mjr

I'd like opinions on these lyrics

The Other Me

This me is happy for you
This me is glad your dreams are coming true
This me says we should keep it friends
This me says he's a friend 'til the end.

(Chorus):

(But) The Other Me wants to hold you in his arms
The Other Me wants you for all time
The Other Me has a heartache every day
She loves him, she'll never see The Other Me

This me sees him raise her veil
This me sees him kiss his bride
This me sees people throw the rice
This me feels empty inside.

(chorus)

Copyright © 2006, Monte Richardson

I generally really don't like to comment on lyrics without hearing them set to music, so keep that in mind.

I think the story is nice, but I get a little confused with the references to "his, me, my," etc. It almost sounds like an MPD case or something. I know the song is about the "other me," but I'm not sure it's clear what you're talking about all the time.

The confusion first set in for me on the fourth line, and it was never really cleared up.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by famous beagle

I generally really don't like to comment on lyrics without hearing them set to music, so keep that in mind.

I think the story is nice, but I get a little confused with the references to "his, me, my," etc. It almost sounds like an MPD case or something. I know the song is about the "other me," but I'm not sure it's clear what you're talking about all the time.

The confusion first set in for me on the fourth line, and it was never really cleared up.

I should probably change "her" in the last verse to "your".

Reading back over it, I can see how the fourth line can be confusing. "This Me" is basically saying, "Hey, I'll still be your friend."

"The Other Me" is like a 3rd person. Like saying "Hey, see that guy over there?", only the "guy over there" is internal.

It's one of those "rock in a hard place" songs.

The reference to "him" in the last line of the chorus is the guy the woman is in love with, not "The Other Me", nor "This Me".

Thanks for the input!

[djhead]

Not bad, but i would like to hear some variety in the rythm of syllables.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by djhead

Not bad, but i would like to hear some variety in the rythm of syllables.

Variety in the rhythm of syllables? Not quite sure I follow you. Thanks for the constructiveness, though!

[djhead]

since the last band I recorded was a pop-punk/emo band, this is how i hear it in my head, and im saying adding a syllable or two in the beginning and end of lines 2 and 4 in the verses would make for some really surprising anf fun vocal rythms in an otherwise cut and dry song.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by djhead

since the last band I recorded was a pop-punk/emo band, this is how i hear it in my head, and im saying adding a syllable or two in the beginning and end of lines 2 and 4 in the verses would make for some really surprising anf fun vocal rythms in an otherwise cut and dry song.

Ah, ok. I got it. Not that it matters, but this is a country song.

Thanks for the input!

[ido1957]

I like the story you have going in these lyrics. That's a pretty big part of country music as you probably already know.

But I'm not keen on the phrases "This Me" and "The Other Me". There's just something about the way it sounds that doesn't sound/feel right to me.

Maybe "This side of me" and "The other side of me" or "One side of me".

Maybe it would sound right with music though, so take the above with a large grain of salt.....just my humble opinion......

Can we get to hear this with music?

[mjr]

Originally Posted by ido1957

I like the story you have going in these lyrics. That's a pretty big part of country music as you probably already know.

But I'm not keen on the phrases "This Me" and "The Other Me". There's just something about the way it sounds that doesn't sound/feel right to me.

Maybe "This side of me" and "The other side of me" or "One side of me".

Maybe it would sound right with music though, so take the above with a large grain of salt.....just my humble opinion......

Can we get to hear this with music?

Certainly! Just see my signature. There should be a link to it there.

[ido1957]

Listened to the tune on your link...Still find the phrases "This me" and "The Other Me" give me an odd feeling, whether it's singing or reading it....Please don't take offence, this is just my humble opinion.....

[mjr]

Originally Posted by ido1957

Listened to the tune on your link...Still find the phrases "This me" and "The Other Me" give me an odd feeling, whether it's singing or reading it....Please don't take offence, this is just my humble opinion.....

No offense taken.
Is it an odd "these phrases make no sense", or "these phrases don't belong"?

[ido1957]

I think there's two things:

1) "This me" is not a sound that is used in day-to-day speech, so it's not a "familiar" sound.

2) It is not comfortable in a grammatical sense (if that makes sense?).

Again this is just how I feel about it - would be good to get some more opinions - anyone? .... Bueller? Bueller?.......

[JeffLancaster]

OK, I'm no expert and don't often comment on lyrics in the songwriting forum. However, I did read your lyrics and listened to your recording, and have to say I agree with ido1957. "This me" sounds kind of unnatural and I think the phrase is just to short to fit in properly with the tune. I do like the concept you have going here, however. The lyrical idea will work good in a country song, and I can hear the potential in your recording.

As I hummed the melody back to myself I heard it in my head like this:

One part of me is happy for you
And one part of me is glad your dreams are coming true
One part of me says we should keep it friends
Yeah this part of me says he's a friend 'til the end.

That's just the first verse, of course, but you get the idea. I lengthened the phrase, made it sound more natural, and added a couple "filler" words so it wasn't exactly the same thing over and over again. If I were you I'd think about making these sort of changes throughout the song, but like I said, that's just my opinion. Ultimately it's your song to do with what you'd like. Good luck!

[brendandwyer]

I don't like it.

I hope you're looking for honest answers because i know no other way

The repetition of personal pronouns is grating. I generally try to not say I's and Me's and She's and He's too much and instead go for more of a vague identifying phrase.

However, that is me, and you are you (god damned personal pronouns again!)

I think that these lyrics could work in a country song because a lot of times, country songs do the smarmy me, glad, happy, sad thing, but i like lyrics that are a bit less obvious.

Like instead of saying "This me sees him raise her veil", i would attempt "Her veil raised by her lover's hand" or something.

But i can see the theme of different me's, maybe i just don't like that theme. Sorry if i'm a downer, but i try to be honest.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by brendandwyer

I don't like it.

I hope you're looking for honest answers because i know no other way

The repetition of personal pronouns is grating. I generally try to not say I's and Me's and She's and He's too much and instead go for more of a vague identifying phrase.

However, that is me, and you are you (god damned personal pronouns again!)

I think that these lyrics could work in a country song because a lot of times, country songs do the smarmy me, glad, happy, sad thing, but i like lyrics that are a bit less obvious.

Like instead of saying "This me sees him raise her veil", i would attempt "Her veil raised by her lover's hand" or something.

But i can see the theme of different me's, maybe i just don't like that theme. Sorry if i'm a downer, but i try to be honest.

Well, honesty is good. I never said anyone had to LIKE the song. I was asking for opinions. :-)

Everyone has their own taste. Some people are going to like it, some people aren't. That's why some people like country, and some people like rock!

[famous beagle]

Hey Monte,

I just listened to the sample on your page, and I had real trouble with the phrasing. It was strange. I couldn't ever really tell where beat 1 was.

Did anyone else have this problem?

[mjr]

Originally Posted by famous beagle

Hey Monte,

I just listened to the sample on your page, and I had real trouble with the phrasing. It was strange. I couldn't ever really tell where beat 1 was.

Did anyone else have this problem?

ido1957 had a similar problem with the phrasing, I believe.

Maybe I should go back and re-do the vocal track. That might be part of the problem. I suppose if I need to re-write a couple of things I could, but only if absolutely necessary.

How's the singing?

[brendandwyer]

why would you be apprehensive towards revision? I'm just curious. I try to be open to revising all my songs, it sort of keeps me interested in them.

[famous beagle]

Originally Posted by mjr

ido1957 had a similar problem with the phrasing, I believe.

Maybe I should go back and re-do the vocal track. That might be part of the problem. I suppose if I need to re-write a couple of things I could, but only if absolutely necessary.

How's the singing?

To be perfectly honest, it sounded as though you're fairly new to singing. The pitch was troublesome in many spots, and the tone sounded a bit ... inexperienced. I'm not saying there's not hope or anything like that, but I think you need to put in a bit more practice to get it to where you want it to be. Record yourself often so you can meter your progress. Keep working on it and good luck.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by famous beagle

To be perfectly honest, it sounded as though you're fairly new to singing. The pitch was troublesome in many spots, and the tone sounded a bit ... inexperienced. I'm not saying there's not hope or anything like that, but I think you need to put in a bit more practice to get it to where you want it to be. Record yourself often so you can meter your progress. Keep working on it and good luck.

Good constructiveness.

I have listened to this song myself a few other times. Before my CD is released, I'll probably go back and re-record the vocals for this song. As far as re-writing the song, I'm not sure how much of it I actually want to re-write.

Outside of the singing, how does my voice sound?