new song - "The Pelican" - listen please. thank you

[JeffVyain]

i just finished recording this about half an hour ago and just figured i'd throw it out there and see if anybody feels like playing catch.

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/...d=4018&alid=-1

just umm click to the right of "the pelican." any comments, good or bad, are, of course, appreciated.


oh and here are the words:

deep inside of the well of a pelican's mouth
in a hole so deep an angel couldn't get out
the man next to me says, "son you haven't got to fear"
i'm just scared of the man who'd let me stay in here
the man who'd let me stay in here

well my heart feels cold but it sure don't ache
and i'm sure not sleepin but i ain't awake
and the doorman's keepin water to himself
deep inside this well of a pelican's mouth
the well of a pelican's mouth

a well so deep it just might save me from this storm
but for a hole that should be wet it's awfully warm

on a cold dark night i was wandering alone
i was freezing deep and aching through my bones
when a bird came and told me he was flying south
and i jumped right down into that pelican's mouth
down into the pelican's mouth

well my heart was frozen from all that snow
and the time stopped for how long, i'll never know
when i woke i knew i was never getting out
deep inside this well of a pelican's mouth
the well of a pelican's mouth

a well so deep it just might save me from this storm
but for a hole that should be wet it's awfully warm

[puffin]

Yes, yes, yes. Very nice. It's really quite Iron and Wine on the chorus.

I would bring the chorus in right after the first verse, though as the verse is quite long. I'd also write a few more lines for the chorus as it feels a little imbalanced with it being so short. You could just sing the lines again I suppose.

The minimal percussion thing is really working for you.

I dig the electric guitar that comes in later, too. It's a bit of a surprise, but a pleasant one. I'd also bring in some harmonies or a second vocal for the chorus just to lift it up and create some separation from the verse.

Bass would be good, too. Really nice work, though. Really distinctive. I really dig Never My Friend, too.

Kudos, young knight. Onward!

[Monkey Allen]

Pretty good. I liked the minimal sound pretty well. What kind of room do you have? Have you got carpet?

By the way, I liked the 1st song on the site as well...the one with the little bit of violin.

[JeffVyain]

really appreciate the couple comments i've gotten.
i really didn't know what to do with the electric guitar. like you said, it's a bit of a surprise, and i didn't really know how to make it more subtle (or even if it was necessarily needed). though you did like the minimal drums, i would've totally brought full drums in in those fillers between the verses and on the chorus if i had the ability. but i don't have drums and i do all this in my room. i also lack the bass, which hopefully will be fixed in the somewhat near future.

my room...hmm... it's maybe 12x12 or so, wood floors...filled with all the normal things a bedroom would be filled with. if i could get the computer hum out of my songs, i'd be a happy camper.

glad you liked my other song as well. that was definitely a cello in the background...and i'm just going to apologize for the tuning on that one. it makes me cringe every time i listen to it...i desperately need to brush up on the cello playing...the muscle memory just isn't there like it used to be.

[Sleddog72]

Actually i like the mix. how did you do your drums? how long did it take to record the guitar without muting a string haha. ooh...recording woes...im resting my fingers are we speak....good. really well done. Right in the ballpark too for time...nicely done.

[wilko]

Really enjoyed both songs.

[Twinky]

not bad...not bad at all

[JeffVyain]

sleddog, yea i definitely recorded it probably 5 times before i got something i thought would suffice haha...but most of it had to do with me forgetting how many bars to play certain riffs. oh how i do wish i could have 3 or 4 XLR inputs on my silly little devil box (the spectacular tascam us-122 that causes my computer to randomly crash every few hours) so i could just sing along and still get a decent sound. ....oh and the "drums" are me beating on the backside of a guitar that needs to be taken to a luthier, a super sweet tall glass that had just been emptied of some gatorade, and an extremely expensive egg shaker. one day i'll get some drums...after i get a bass...and a new guitar. ok

really glad you guys took the time to listen to my song. and thanks for the comments as well!