Need pointers on song.... U help?

[JoeNewbie]

I've been working on writting songs for the last year and I've finally gotten one done.... (yea I know.) Anyhow this is not a traditional I IV V rock song. It's somewhat industrial but not really..... well, check it out.
http://www.mp3.com/joenovice or http://www.mp3.com/novice_productions

Any constructive criticism reguarding mix, song structure, or tone voiceings would be a gerat help.

Thnx,
J

[smirky]

You didn't write this song to be played on the radio, did you?
the atmosphere of the song is quite impressing, but I miss melodic lines, hooks that get stuck in your mind. but on the other hand it's industrial... somehow I've got the feeling that you packed more than just one song into this song - maybe it could be more straight and structured, without so many changes. I would make it more catchy somehow ... but that's also a problem I often have with my songs.
anyway - cool production, kind of interesting song. how did you produce/record it, with a PC?
cu, smirky

[John Sayers]

tell us more JoeNewbie - it hooked me in .. and I only listened to lowfi It was great

[JoeNewbie]

Thnx for checking out the tune........ and no smirky, it was not intended 4 radio play. It was done on a PC.... I guess you could say it has been part of my learning process(..newbie) This song was one of the accidents that go in a fun direction b/c I was tring to learn how to do tempo changes using CUbase. I ended up likeing the change and kept it.... that might account for the back and forth feel.

Crazy litte ditty.....

Thnx again,
J

[Edited by JoeNewbie on 09-13-2000 at 19:28]