Lyrics with no title yet.

[Rokket]

Please give me some feedback. I know that this is a topic that has been covered before, and probably better, I just want to know how to do some improvement:

I left home at 16 years old
With a chip on my shoulder and something to prove
I thought I knew it all back then
And there were no limits to what I could do
But the road I walked wasn’t mine to choose
The life I lead left so much to lose

I found myself in trouble
With nowhere to run, and nowhere to turn
Living under a bridge with a bottle
Such a hard lesson for a boy to learn
I found it all too easily
Now where can I go before it gets to me?

(Chorus)
Living this life is not what I wanted
Twisted and tortured; harassed and haunted
If only I could, I’d take it all back
I would have listened, understood what I had

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
The winter took some of my best friends
Society brought some more of them

I went home at twenty-one
A different man with a different view
The door that slammed in front of me
Told me I was dead to you
I’ll have to make it for myself
There’s no one else to share my hell







Thanks!

[d(-_-)b-Phones]

How about.


I'm sorry I'm Breathing.

Sounds to me like this kid in a box does not want to be here nor there nor anywhere.

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by d(-_-)b-Phones

How about.


I'm sorry I'm Breathing.

Sounds to me like this kid in a box does not want to be here nor there nor anywhere.

It was the story of teenage rebellion gone wrong....

And when he tried to go home, they didn't want him anymore.

[Garry Sharp]

Originally Posted by Rokket

It was the story of teenage rebellion gone wrong....

And when he tried to go home, they didn't want him anymore.

Yes, that was clear from your lyric, it's a good story and you have some very nice lines. My suggestion would be you drop the weakest line - the last one in the third verse - and replace it with something about why you wanted to go home again, I think that would give it more coherence.

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by Garry Sharp

Yes, that was clear from your lyric, it's a good story and you have some very nice lines. My suggestion would be you drop the weakest line - the last one in the third verse - and replace it with something about why you wanted to go home again, I think that would give it more coherence.

Garry, do you mean this line?

Society brought some more of them


It was alluding of the loss of friends, and the fact that there are more and more homeless people there on the streets to take their place...


But I will work on it.
Thanks for the feedback... Anyone else?

[TaoManna Don]

Originally Posted by Rokket

(Chorus)
Living this life is not what I wanted
Twisted and tortured; harassed and haunted
If only I could, I’d take it all back
I would have listened, understood what I had

I like this song. You show lots of talent here. I am assuming you will repeat the chorus after the last verse. I think your best title is hidden in the first line of the chorus you wrote. I'm sure you know that the title should appear in the chorus when it is a verse/chorus type song like this. With a slightly rewritten first line, your title could be "This Is Not The Life I Wanted." Below I show an example of how you could also repeat the title in the chorus. I'm sure you can come up with better; but feel free to use my changes if you like them.

Keep writing,
Don

This Is Not The Life I Wanted

Chorus:
This is not the life I wanted
Twisted, tortured, hassled, haunted
Hoodwinked by the pride I flaunted
This is not the life I wanted

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by TaoManna Don

I like this song. You show lots of talent here. I am assuming you will repeat the chorus after the last verse. I think your best title is hidden in the first line of the chorus you wrote. I'm sure you know that the title should appear in the chorus when it is a verse/chorus type song like this. With a slightly rewritten first line, your title could be "This Is Not The Life I Wanted." Below I show an example of how you could also repeat the title in the chorus. You can probably come up with better; but feel free to use my changes if you like them.

Keep writing,
Don

This Is Not The Life I Wanted

Chorus:
This is not the life I wanted
Twisted, tortured, hassled, haunted
Hoodwinked by the pride I flaunted
This is not the life I wanted

Thanks for the input, Don. I appreciate the praise, and I will definitely look at reworking the chorus a bit. This was pretty much a first draft (which are usually full of fire as well as critical errors).


EDIT: The chorus and verses were written to music I have already recorded. I usually write the lyrics first and then come up with music. So this is a departure of sorts for me and the way I do business. Seemed to work out well. But the lyrics were written to support the melody, so that's why I wrote it the way I did. It can still be reworked, so I will get on it.

[TaoManna Don]

Feeling a bit inspired by your work, just as an exercise I wrote a version of your song with unrhymed verses, using the chorus I rewrote for you. Mine is a little different story but still similar to yours.

Would you mind if I posted my version under my thread "Life Doesn't Rhyme" as an example of a real song with unrhymed verses? I will gladly reference your thread and song as the inspiration.

Let me know.

Keep writing,
Don

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by TaoManna Don

Feeling a bit inspired by your work, just as an exercise I wrote a version of your song with unrhymed verses, using the chorus I rewrote for you. Mine is a little different story but still similar to yours.

Would you mind if I posted my version under my thread "Life Doesn't Rhyme" as an example of a real song with unrhymed verses? I will gladly reference your thread and song as the inspiration.

Let me know.

Keep writing,
Don

Go for it. Your chorus is different than mine in meter and rhyme, so it's your composition...

[Rokket]

I left home at 16 years old
With a chip on my shoulder and something to prove
I thought I knew it all back then
And there were no limits to what I could do
But the road I walked wasn’t mine to choose
The life I lead left so much to lose

I found myself in trouble
With nowhere to run, and nowhere to turn
Living under a bridge with a bottle
Such a hard lesson for a boy to learn
I found it all too easily
Now where can I go before it gets to me?

(Chorus)
Living this life is not what I wanted
Twisted and tortured; hassled and haunted
Taken down by the pride that I flaunted
This is not the life I wanted

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
The winter took some of my best friends
Society brought some more of them

I went home at twenty-one
A different man with a different view
The door that slammed in front of me
Told me I was dead to you
I’ll have to make it for myself
There’s no one else to share my hell

(Chorus)
Living this life is not what I wanted
Twisted and tortured; hassled and haunted
Taken down by the pride that I flaunted
This is not the life I wanted




Any suggestions for the line in bold, which I believe is the one Garry was referring to?

[laatija]

Originally Posted by Rokket

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
The winter took some of my best friends
Society brought some more of them

Any suggestions for the line in bold, which I believe is the one Garry was referring to?

Actually, the last line is the one that stood out for me (I rather like it), but the 3rd verse does need to flow into the next better. I think ending with a more personal bridge between the 1st and 4th verses might work. You could keep the same theme of the dangers of homelessness and bridge the 1st and 4th like this for example:

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
Waking up next to a dead best friend
Tears pride from a mind all too easily

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by laatija

Actually, the last line is the one that stood out for me (I rather like it), but the 3rd verse does need to flow into the next better. I think ending with a more personal bridge between the 1st and 4th verses might work. You could keep the same theme of the dangers of homelessness and bridge the 1st and 4th like this for example:

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
Waking up next to a dead best friend
Tears pride from a mind all too easily

I have to keep it to the meter of the music ( I wrote that first), so here is how I rewrote the verse:

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
When winter came and took my friends
I knew I should go home again

I went home at twenty-one
A different man with a different view
The door that you slammed in my face
Told me I was dead to you
I’ll have to make it for myself
There’s no one else to share my hell


Not as much impact as what you wrote, but it fit the meter better...

[Rokket]

Here is the whole rewrite. It's already been recorded.....

I left home at 16 years old
With a chip on my shoulder and something to prove
I thought I knew it all back then
And there were no limits to what I could do
But the road I walked wasn’t mine to choose
The life I lead left so much to lose

I found myself in trouble
With nowhere to run, and nowhere to turn
Living under a bridge with a bottle
Such a hard lesson for a boy to learn
I found it all so easily
Now where can I go before it gets to me?

(Chorus)
Living this life is not what I wanted
Twisted and tortured; hassled and haunted
Taken down by the pride that I flaunted
Living this life is not what I wanted

Living out of a cardboard box
Dragging it from place to place
Huddled in masses to stay alive
When the city took the steam away
When winter came and took my friends
I knew I should go home again

I went home at twenty-one
A different man with a different view
The door that you slammed in my face
Told me I was dead to you
I’ll have to make it for myself
There’s no one else to share my hell

[Garry Sharp]

Post it? Would like to hear it.

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by Garry Sharp

Post it? Would like to hear it.

It's up, but I am not happy with the vocals.... I can't sing for shit...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/3/eddiestoreymusic.htm


I like what I did with it, I just feel I dropped the ball on the singing...

[TaoManna Don]

I listened to the song. I like the way it turned out. Keep up the good work. Since you posted a recording of your song, I guess I'll wait until I get a chance to record a demo of my version of your song before posting my lyrics. That may be quite a while from now.

Funny how two songs on the same subject and sharing a few of the same words can turn out so differently. My message is similar to yours but the ending is different and my song sounds completely different from yours. Unfortunately, it may be months before I can show you what I mean.

In the meantime....
Keep writing,
Don

[Garry Sharp]

Just listening to it. There's a lot of Steve Earle in this

Clearly it's a good song, so having acknowledged that you know what you're doing, can I make some points that you can choose or reject?

First is, the whole sound / style doesn't sit with the lyric. It's professional, soft rock/blues. the lyric is tortured and the music is soft.

Second is, there is no progression sound wise, first verse sounds same as the last. Music doesn't match the huge change in the guy's life.

Anyway, just my 2p. Nice job and thank you for the listen.

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by Garry Sharp

Just listening to it. There's a lot of Steve Earle in this

Clearly it's a good song, so having acknowledged that you know what you're doing, can I make some points that you can choose or reject?

First is, the whole sound / style doesn't sit with the lyric. It's professional, soft rock/blues. the lyric is tortured and the music is soft.

Second is, there is no progression sound wise, first verse sounds same as the last. Music doesn't match the huge change in the guy's life.

Anyway, just my 2p. Nice job and thank you for the listen.

Point well taken. The music doesn't fit at all. I have been labeled as a "bubblegum rocker", so I am trying to break out of that. Unfortunately, I can do it lyrically, just not with the playing. It's something I have to work on... The song is going to stay up for the next 12 hours or so, then it's coming down. The people I wanted to hear it did, so it's served its purpose.

Thanks Garry, and Don for the listen and encouragement!