been a while--here's a song

[JeffVyain]

i kinda forgot about this board for a while... but here's a new song i just wrote today. it's pretty different than anything i've ever done, so i'm interested in some criticism of course. it's called ladybug. the lyrics are very simple. i was focusing much more on mood than anything else:

lady, fly on by
fly on toward the sun
lady of the fall
climbing slow up my window
window

lady, do your thing
fly on toward the sun
toward the sun

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/...d=4018&alid=-1

just click the play button to the right of the bottom song labeled ladybug. if that doesn't work for some reason you can press the down arrow and download it

[Layla Nahar]

just looking at the lyrics, - I like 'em. Wonder if there's not more? Seems like just for symmetry's sake there's something missing.

[HeyHeyMyMy]

listened to the song and really liked it a lot. You sound a fair bit like Hayden in my opinion, which is a huge compliment (coming from me at least) as I've got nothing but great respect for him. Excellent track.

What did you use for the string part?

[JeffVyain]

a cello...all done in my room

[Garry Sharp]

Come on Jeff, get real, give us a break. You clearly have talent, but you have no empathy for your audience. Cut down that ridiculously long intro, write more of a song, give people a bit more to listen to and stop being so bloody precious.

Just my 02p (But fuck you if you don't like it 'cos that's what you think of your listeners)

[edited to say I want to emphasise the "you have talent" part of that post]

[Rokket]

On the technical side, your vocals don't stand out. They are buried in the mix. I was lost on the long intro and the "artistic moaning". Got tired of listening to it, and it seemed to go on and on and on and on a... you get the point. You have something there, but you need to drop the mental masturbation and just write for the song...

[JeffVyain]

haha well i guess i asked for criticism... thanks for that. i don't understand the not caring for my audience part exactly. if what you mean is that i haven't come to this board in a long time, and i haven't been replying to other people's stuff...well i just haven't been writing much, so the thought of coming here didn't pop up in my head too often.
but if you mean it shows that in my song, i could use a little bit of an explanation. in all honesty, i just enjoyed playing the guitar part by itself for the last month, and i thought of putting words to it, but never really felt like i could do it comfortably, as far as how to split words apart properly so the syllables fell where they should and all that (never mind not having a clue what i wanted to sing about), so the "artistic moaning" was really as far as i got, because most of the time when i'd play that i was under some sort of influence, and the moaning was good enough for me, and also because i really felt the mood of the guitar didn't require words to mix up the tone. once i decided to lay down a track on the computer, things just started to fall into place, and i saved it after the guitar and percussion had been done and named it the first word i thought of--ladybug... words kinda came to me after that, wasn't much of a thought process...

short version of what i just said: it was an experiment. wanted to make something that sounded a little more simple than the other stuff i'd written. thanks for your comments.

if you want to hear something a little more "mainstream" you're free to listen to "right on time", one song up on that link, but you'll have to forgive the metronome click during the beginning of the song. my dog chewed my headphones chord in half and i was recording with a pair that didn't totally keep the noise from leaking out