Feedback on lyrics please!!!!

[Valiance7]

Here are some lyrics that I think are probably my best. The verse is song very rapid fire. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Unguarded Heart (Break Down)

Verse 1

She says she don't know just what it is she has to live for,
can't take anymore
And that's just when her heart breaks,
in my face.

Unguarded Heart has left her curled up in a ball on the floor
I walk through the door
and I watch her leg shake,
from the blade.

and she Breaks Down, she Breaks down

To many times I fell into something that was just not real,
burning to feel
but I don't know what you do for me

She says just leave me like everyone else has done before,
I'll even the score
I know that you don't love me,
you're up above me.

Pre-Chorus
And I must say....you were
light of day.....and hurt

Chorus
Your momma let you down I know,
she broke your heart, she broke your soul
but your momma she ain't here anymore.

She breaks down, she breaks down.

repeat first verse
repeat pre chorus

2nd Chorus
Your momma let you down I know,
she broke your heart, she broke your soul
but your momma can't hurt you anymore...
unless you let her

and she breaks down, she breaks down


Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks

[Layla Nahar]

like a lot of people say, you really can't tell without the musical context, but it looks to me like your really reaching for some important things and getting close. How 'finished' is this for you?

[Valiance7]

To me they are pretty much done. I'm setting up a new DAW in my house so once it's ready and I have a decent demo maybe I"ll post it so the melody can be heard as well.

thanks.

[jeff5xo]

I don't understand what "I walk through the door and I watch her leg shake, from the blade" means. Is this referring to suicidal thoughts?

[DenverRob]

Hello Valiance,

Good strong emotional stuff there. Here's a few comments, for what they're worth.

I see the first line of each verse is long, followed by two short lines. Does that work musically?

"you were light of day" I don't know what you mean there.

I would suggest adding some imagery. Describe the room, is it a wooden floor or carpet? what color? a picture on the wall... describe the clothes she's wearing, color of her hair. What about some sounds? a dog barking, a car screeches by... the stereo plays (somebody)... what time of day? what about the weather? Paint a picture.

How about some metaphors? She looked at me like.... I felt like....

Just some thoughts. Good luck with it.

Rob

[Valiance7]

Thanks for the comments Rob. First off I probably didn't write the lyrics down in the best way in my original post. The long line followed by short line does work but it's really more like one long line. I write all of my lyrics during the writing of melody so one good thing about them is that they do work musically. (At least I think so!!!).

The "light of day" line is just there to show the dichotomy of a person whom I was both close to and hurt by:

I must say,
you were,
light of day,
and hurt.

I really like and agree with your comments on imagery. I think I'll try to rewrite the second verse to include this suggestion. The first verse paints a picture to me and is based on real events. The second becomes much more abstract and, in my opinion, weaker. I'll post the song as soon as I get it recorded half way decent!!!

Thanks again for the comments.