would appreciate some feedback on these lyrics

[baerstev]

Not finished yet, but here's what I have so far. Hate it? Love it? Please tell me and why. Thanks for your time!!

The road we're on
Will break your back
And with one more heart attack
We'll turn around
And serve the past
With a plate of broken glass

For what's to show
But empty hands
A starving soul


And the love that could have been saved
Were I in time
Were we on a steady line


I've been away
For way too long
And I know I've run too far
The time is ripe (or We left behind an age...with the wind...)
For an age of nights there by the fire
Leave the cold wind outside

But still today
The sting of pride
Won't go away


They'll find the place
Where I am lying
With a foe's joy to see it end this way


One avenger
Standing lonely
A tyrant's reign had been broken
And I know
It only seems like
I bleed like I did on that day

(actually a whole nother verse has to be written... not sure which direction to take it)

[ez_willis]

I like it. You should finish the thought before reading anymore post's because the advice you get will alter the end product.

[baerstev]

thanks for the reply.
I actually made a few changes today also and posted them..

[baerstev]

bump-i'm going to be persistent. Also, it should be

One avenger
Standing lonely
A tyrant's reign had been broken
And I know
It only seems like
I bleed like HE did on that day

(toying with the third verse also... what do you think?)

The poet's words are life crystallized
Ever bleeding through his pen he slowly dies
But nothing in the lines that I'd write
Implied death at sea was all I'd find

The waves are like a train that left its track
And we're swimming ever faster to react

(Maybe I should stick to the road metaphor? Anyway, the recording of this song isn't finished yet... I will try to get a rough recording put online somewhere)

[Layla Nahar]

hmm ... I find that its really hard to pull off lyrics about poems and pens etc. really well. A few people have done it, but if you're not careful it can really fall short.

I really like "the road were on will break your back" and "what's to show but empty hands"

[DenverRob]

Hello Baerstev,

Well the structure and rhyme scheme is inconsistent. But there's some good lines in there. I like:

But still today
The sting of pride
Won't go away

and...

One avenger
Standing lonely
A tyrant's reign had been broken

Should that be "has" been broken? (present vs. past tense)

Stay with it.

-Rob