Please Critique for me!

[Love & Light]

Heres a little ditty I scribbled down, and I added a few chords as well. Any feedback, slagging, positives or at least a sign that you read it would be greatly appreciated!!


The look in your eyes holds so many disguises
Is it something I said or just one of your surprises
You tell me Im paranoid,
Thats a feeling I wanna avoid

My altered state leads to wondrous dreams
Subjective reality or so it seems
You tell me Im being fake
I got a feeling thats a mistake

Chorus

The love and the light shine in my eyes
But its fading away into the night
At the end of it all, nothing seems real
But now we return to how they want us to feel
How they want us to feel


It needs a bit of work and I have a 3rd verse but can't remember it off the top of my head. Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Love & Light]

24 views and no replies?!! Guess its back to the drawing board for me!

[mawtangent]

Hey...I'm not really into reading lyrics without the music......I've heard seemingly profound words in (overall) uninspiring songs (something just didn't work right with the words set to the music they were assigned) and lyrics that are quite shallow/uninterpretable by themselves, that, with the right music, combine to make a great song (REM once said that their lyrics were not filled with deep meaning, though to me they sound very deep).

If I am trying to write a lyric I don't attempt to write something profound. I ask myself in my gut (about a line), "does this sound stupid...does it just sound like a group of words thrown together to create a rhyme (with another line) or is it really saying something to advance the song along.

To me the weakest lines of your lyrics are the ones ending in paranoid/avoid and fake/mistake

You could ask yourself "what is this song about".......is this about a realtionship that is being put under pressure by outside influences? ("now we return to how they want us to feel")...if so, maybe you should bring that up earlier in the song ("we/you are forced to wear so many disquises") and keep moving that idea forward...just some thoughts.

[Layla Nahar]

It sounds like you are writing words first. Most of the time that doesn't work. I know, because that's what I do. You might want to consider expressing feelings just in music. Get used to non-verbal expression and when you go back to writing your stuff may be a lot better

[Love & Light]

Thanks for the replies guys. Its appreciated.

[Buck62]

Here's a quickie, 5 minute re-write of your lyrics....


Melancholy eyes through a happy-face mask
Was it something I said? Should I bother to ask?
You tell me I'm paranoid,
A feeling that I want to avoid

My sweet altered state leads to wonderous dreams
Escape the reality of lying and schemes
You tell me I'm being fake
I know that could be a mistake

Chorus

A surge of emotion rises from my soul
A patch on a heart that once bore a hole
At the end of it all, none of this seems real
Give us some time and I know that we'll heal
Give us some time to heal


Remember, when you're writing a song you don't want to use cliche's that have been beaten to death in a thousand other songs. Also, you want to "paint a picture" without being blatantly obvious right from the start of what you're trying to convey. But on the other hand, you don't want to be too bland or confusing about the subject matter, either. It's a fine line you have to walk... keeping it interesting, yet, playing it like a poker hand where you want to captivate the listener with your next move. In the context of songwriting, your "next moves" are each respective line of the song that follows. When I'm writing a song, I like to follow these simple, self-imposed rules... Start smart, finish brilliantly, and be captivating everywhere in between.

[DenverRob]

Hello L&L,

Has potential! Good meter/rhythm.

Here's what I like:

The look in your eyes holds so many disguises
Is it something I said or just one of your surprises

That's cool. and...

My altered state leads to wondrous dreams
Subjective reality or so it seems

and...

The love and the light shine in my eyes
But its fading away into the night

...So I like the first 2 lines. Paranoid...Avoid, I didn't like that; seemed a forced rhyme.
Ditto with fake...mistake.

And "how they want us to feel"
Who is "they"? It's ok to be mysterious, but in this song, it just seems to me that we should know who "they" is.

Stay with it. Fix it up. Has potential.

Rob

[Love & Light]

Great feedback guys. Thanks.