Something to shred for me...

[Rokket]

I wrote this just a little while ago, here is the first draft so that I can get some feedback before I start the rewrite tomorrow (I never rewrite while it's still fresh, because my mind's eye can't see the errors and bad points).
Hack away:




Gary was a loser trying hard to be a star
To the town he was an outlaw who drove a fast car
Suzy looked Gary with a twinkle in her eye
He knew what she was after and she wouldn’t be denied

So they found themselves together and in trouble to the hilt
The rush was so addictive but didn’t pay the bills
They made a pact at midnight to forever seize the day
It was a living made at gunpoint with a baby on the way

CHORUS
But that’s the way it goes, and everybody knows
It’s a terrible waste of your heart
It gets you in the end and nobody wins
It can slowly tear you apart

Gary turned to Suzy with sadness in his eyes
He told her he could see they wouldn’t make it out alive
It’s our baby’s future I am thinking of right now
Tell my folks I’m sorry, but for me there’s no way out

The state police were ready for him at the state line
The road blocks and machine guns were heavy on his mind
Roaring through the blockade as Suzy cried his name
He died as he lived in an instant ball of flame

[Rokket]

Is it that bad that 11 people looked and no one had anything to say?




Guess I'll get rid of it....

[cellardweller]

It's not that bad Rokket-man.
Could use a bit of spicing up perhaps...

Take that with two grains of salt, from someone who can not write rhyming poetry (lyrics) to save his life...

Don't cirularly file it though!!!


WOW!!! Lookey there!!! I've got two green bars!!!

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by cellardweller

It's not that bad Rokket-man.
Could use a bit of spicing up perhaps...

Take that with two grains of salt, from someone who can not write rhyming poetry (lyrics) to save his life...

Don't cirularly file it though!!!


WOW!!! Lookey there!!! I've got two green bars!!!

Thanks! It is a first draft. I was just wondering if it was worth a rewrite, and I looked at it again myself, and I guess it is. I'll redo it this weekend and repost it on Monday or Tuesday.

[Fat_Satchel]

nothing personal [and this isnt bad] but this story has been done several times before...better.

Joplin, Lizzy, Bad Company...err...Mellencamp....little diddy bout jack n diane.

I got a very strong Beck vibe from this...the song that emmediately came to mind while reading was that one uhh..."they were all in love with dying they were doing it in texas"...cant think of the name

And dont feel bad...I got 29+ views on my last lyric post and NO comments...i didnt bother bumpin' it hehehe I can take a hint.

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by Fat_Satchel

nothing personal [and this isnt bad] but this story has been done several times before...better.

Joplin, Lizzy, Bad Company...err...Mellencamp....little diddy bout jack n diane.

I got a very strong Beck vibe from this...the song that emmediately came to mind while reading was that one uhh..."they were all in love with dying they were doing it in texas"...cant think of the name

And dont feel bad...I got 29+ views on my last lyric post and NO comments...i didnt bother bumpin' it hehehe I can take a hint.

I can take a hint too! Usually my rewrites take it on a totally different angle anyway. I will more or less stick with the meter, but about 99% of the words will change. Plus the rewrite will be sober!

[cellardweller]

Ahhh.

Grasshopper practice drunken writing technique too...

[Rokket]

Originally Posted by cellardweller

Ahhh.

Grasshopper practice drunken writing technique too...

Yeah, got tired of the drunken living technique, but every once in awhile....

[Rokket]

I've gone over it again with more critical eye, and I hate it. It's another one to fill up my trash bin. I'm glad that I didn't waste paper and print it out. It's toast!