Please opinions and additions to this lyric

Ok this is a very slow song with mostly an organ playing some vibrating chords and some simple gitar riffs. I have some lines for it but I keep singing those humming da da da da lines in between, as you can see. It gives the song a very dopy feeling, but after a while I got bored with it and tried to add some more lines, but I didn't find anything usefull. Does anyone have a suggestion? Just opinions, good or bad, are also welcome. Tnx.

Forget about the daggers in your bed
Da da da da
Forget about the devils in your head
Da da da da

I'll haul you in
to my fatigue
It comes falling down
the sky mystique

Forget about the hangups in your live
Da da da da
Forget about the water in which you dive
Da da da da

It keeps ringing on
Your one-way phone
Now it comes down
Your magic dome

[Songwriter333]

My five cents worth: I'm going to rate these lyrics between fair and good, so perhaps with a couple purmutations, one would land a solid good or even better. The first thing I would change are the two lines:

"Forget about the hangups in your live
...Forget about the water in which you dive" <----Trash that combo.

Nice job, rock on.

Thanx 333.

About the combo: is it the combination of those lines or should I scrap them completely?

[andyhix]

Originally Posted by barthoque

.

Forget about the hangups in your live
Forget about the water in which you dive

It keeps ringing on
Your one-way phone
Now it comes down
Your magic dome

I like the first parts, so maybe I actually enjoy the da da da's. The phone stuff doesn't work for me. And with the olympics going on, the water line paints too much of a "pool" picture. Maybe change water to "lake" or something a little more dangerous sounding, and less athletic sounding. What the hell is this song about anyway? and what the hell is a magic dome? Somehow that makes me envision a bald chick with a giant head. Scary. Anyway, like I said I like the first 2 verses, but I don't get a good feel for what the song is trying to convey. You need to devleop the underlying theme a bit, and be a bit less cryptic about it...maybe.

Well it's a song i've written for a stressed and troubled girlfriend. I'm inviting her to come over and try my way of fighting troubles and stress. Which basically comes down to drinking a lot of wine and smoking lots of weed, hence "my fatigue". (Maybe I should have posted this on the SAS forum)
The 'phone'-line is about her always being occupied with herself and not being open for advice and help from outside. I agree this could be a bit too cryptic, I may have been too focused on the ryhme.
'Her magic dome' is supposed the describe the barrier she build to keep the world outside. It came down when we were together drinking and smoking, but she rebuild it the next morning. Again this could be to cryptic, I agree.
This song isn't about giving her good advice, but to describe those moments together when we did things we regretted the next morning, but were good for the moment.
Actually this was written long before the olympics, but I like you 'lake'-suggestion. It has a more groovy feel to it. I may use it. I'm also thinking about changing water to 'swamp' or maybe even 'acid'.
About being to cryptic: I often have that problem. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I mostly write about the people/friends around me and the situations they're in. The last time I performed in front of an audiance was in 1999. Since then I've only played with/for friends. I think I'd be embarressed when they recognise themself in my lyrics, so I try not to be too direct. This is not a good thing, I should get out more.

[andyhix]

well, hell, I really like the story, now that you've explained it a bit. Cool ideas for sure, and I can definately relate to a lot of the sentiments. I've found that my friends never pay close enough attention to my lyrics, to recognise themselves in them anyway, so I am not too worried about that. I too have a hard time opening up lyrically. I've never really written a love song, for instance, or any that really exposes myself, because there is some inherant embarassement. but I do appreciate it in others, though. Even though I'm not crazy about either band, I really appreciate the honesty (for lack of a better term) in "your body is a wonderland" by john mayer, and that newerish hoobastank song "the reason." Both kinda just put themselves out there. I like the lyrics, but would be mortified to sing either song if Ihad written them. We both probably need to try to do that a little more, maybe.

[Songwriter333]

Howdy. In answer- the combo parts probably boil down to the second line not sitting right with me, personally. The first line "Forget about the hangups in your live" still works for me but I do have to ask: Did you want "live" or "life"?
I have to say it was neat for me to hear the history behind the song as well (psst, i've created some interesting material when altered) - I like it when we get some of what's in the creator's head, so-to-speak.
Peace

That will be 'life'. my mistake.