new sappy love song (oh come on, we all write them)

[kylosius]

here's one i wrote.... i find it corny, but it's written about falling in love as easily as you did when you were young. it's gonna be a straight forward punk song a la social distortion. i still gotta finish this one up. anyway the lyrics have subtle differences between the recorded version i have posted here. let me know if i got a good thing going....

is there something that we can do tonight
you see the stars burning bright,
bright enough to light the dark skies
the old playground is calling us inside
so lets go there and cause a scene
act like punks on meth amphetamine
at the gates you, asked me quietly
once it's over can i stay in your memory

by the broken swing set our eyes met
the blue in your eye shone through the night
if we never go inside
we can make this moment last for a lifetime

(chorus type part)
falling in love the first time i saw you
makes me feel like a kid again
maybe this how love should feel
kissing in the park just like when we were 10

is there something left to do tonight
you see the sun is coming up
burning our eyes with the violent rays
i kiss you farewell and dream for better days

(chorus again)

listen at www.nowhereradio.com/emopunker/singles it's labeled as new song it's a rough first take

[mshilarious]

Good song. I like the meth line, it's a good bit of comic relief. The complexity of the emotions is very real. Also the ambiguity of the outcome is well done.

I hardly have a suggestion. Maybe another chorus:

is there something that we can do tonight
you see the stars burning bright,
bright enough to light the dark skies
the old playground is calling us inside

so lets go there and cause a scene
act like punks on meth amphetamine
at the gates you, asked me quietly
once it's over can i stay in your memory

CHORUS

by the broken swing set our eyes met
the blue in your eye shone through the night
if we never go inside
we can make this moment last for a lifetime

[kylosius]

thanks for the response.... i don't do meth, never even touched a a joint but i'm glad you picked up on the comic relief.

[Purge]

I gotta tell you, I totally loved it. It didn't seem sappy at all to me, and it came across as fairly lighthearted, yet it made me feel pretty nostalgic. If that's what you looking to pull off, I'd say you succeeded admirably. Nice work.

[kylosius]

thanks for the comments, i greatly appreciate them.... as for the nostalgic feel, i guess i could say i was going for that. alot of bands do their "looking back on childhood song" (one of my favorite all time songs "the park" by slapstick is one of these songs) this one is kinda like that.... then again once i'm 30 i'll be writing about when i was 19.