Song I wrote...critique please

[jayster10125]

Check out these lyrics. I have music that goes along with them but I haven't recorded the song yet. Tell me what you think. The music is kind of a John Mayer/Dave Mathews style I guess. I have so much trouble keeping it from sounding sappy. I feel the lyrics, but when I sing them it seems so mushy and overdramatic. Anywho...here they are...thanks to anyone for their comments.

Playin' connect the dots with the raindrops on the window
It looks kinda like you and me but I'm not sure what that's like you see we've
never been more than friends but that's not where my love for you ends, five years or more and my hope is getting sore

All I'm tryin' to say is that it's beautiful it's beautiful and it's all a dream I dreamt one day

I will get you flowers or sing a song to you
Give you all the world or maybe just some pearls
Anything to show I care
Take you on a trip, we could go anywhere

I've done all I can do
Now it's up to you, my friend
Seeing you every day
is more painful than words can say
Isn't it a shame
that we'll always feel the same
just the way it came
my wish list will hold your name


All I'm tryin' to say is that it's beautiful it's beautiful and it's all a dream I dreamt one day

It's all a dream I dreamt one day...

BTW...this is my first song written ever. I hope you couldn't tell. Change the chorus???

[dvsbruchko]

I think that your song is better than some I've seen considering it's your first one. The "dream I dreamt one day" could be a good phrase if you added a little more to it. One thing which I see a LOT of people do way too much is overuse simple rhyming words. It drives me nuts. Needless to say...things like say, day, may, clay, hey, you might want to stay away from combining into an "abab" or "aabb" rhyme scheme pattern. Personally I like more complicated words, and try to steer clear from what's overdone...but then again...I listen to a lot of darker metal where lyrics pretty much have to stand out since the singers suck. With that in mind, if you're trying to write a song like dave matthews...I'm sorry to say it but the lyrics will probably sound overplayed no matter how you write them. It's just the genre. Maybe you can find a way to express meaning in a less literal manner. If you could do that...I think you'd be impressed yourself. You have a good start though. I'll post some of my lyrics in this forum under Metal - Run and Hide so you can decide whether my advice is all sheet or not. Good luck

[jayster10125]

Thanks

I know what you mean with the overplayed lyrics things in Dave Mathews. I wasn't trying to write a song in any particular genre, but these lyrics came out and fit the tune I was playing on the guitar. Some of the purpose of such simple, repeating rhymes is because the words just run into eachother, so it makes it kinda catchy and easy to sing. I'll try to rework them a little bit, maybe it's the chorus/dream thing in particular thats bugging me, since it automatically makes it sappy if you're talking about dreams. That particular phrase, although it's catchy and has a nice ring to it isn't particularly relevant to the rest of the song. I could say something more accurate and meaningful. Since what the character in this song isn't really feeling a dream. He's facing the futility of this reality with a girl he's very close to, yet so far away from.

Thanks again...a lot. I'll check out your lyrics!