Please critque these lyrics

[jimistone]

"Every night it hits me...(I miss you)"

Its the end of our rainbow,
But there's no pot of gold,
I let your love slip right through my hands,
but I want you to know...

I still feel it in my soul,
this love I can't deny.
I carry on like nothing's wrong,
I keep it all down inside.

(bridge)
All thru the day, I do O.K.
I keep my mind pre-occupied,
then I give in to this pain in my heart,
when the daylight fades to night.

(chorus)
Every night it hits me,
I miss you.
I want you I need you
I can't hide the truth.
I still love you...

I still love you...

(bridge chord progression on these lyrics)
My mind starts to wonder,
as the shadows start to fall,
do you miss me too?
is there still a chance?
do I cross you mind at all

(Bridge)
all thru the day I do O.K.
I keep my mind pre-occupied,
but then I give in to this pain in my heart,
when the daylight fades to night

Every night it hits me,
I miss you.

[jayster10125]

i'm not much of a critic, but i'll give it a shot for fun

I think you have some nice ideas, the trick will be to incorporate those lyrics into some music without letting it sound sappy and formula. You and I both know that lyrics quite similar to this have already been used over and over again. That doesn't mean by any means that they aren't original and from the heart. Lyrics like these have also made many hit songs. I think you have to make sure that you capture the precise feeling in the music that you are trying to convey in the lyrics. Don't try to force these lyrics into any song. Since the point/focus of the song is mainly emotional, the music has to support that.

Good luck...what I've said is probably obvious and unhelpful. Usually the advice I give is exactly what I should be doing myself with my songs, so it'll probably help me more than you...lol.

[jimistone]

thanks jayster,
I was beginning to wonder if anyone was going to even post on my thread. I already have the music, I just haven't burnt a cd and put it on the computer yet...I will post it soon.
thanks again.

[jjtcorsair]

I like the imagery of the rainbow's end and shadows falling. I wish there was more of that in the rest of the lyrics though. There's plenty of emotional content but not much for me to actually visualize. I like it when lyrics paint pictures in the listeners mind or describe a scene. What do you do all through the day to keep you preocuppied? What's it like slipping through your hands?

Just a suggestion to crank your lyrics up a notch above just feelings.

Jon

[jimistone]

Originally Posted by jjtcorsair

I like the imagery of the rainbow's end and shadows falling. I wish there was more of that in the rest of the lyrics though. There's plenty of emotional content but not much for me to actually visualize. I like it when lyrics paint pictures in the listeners mind or describe a scene. What do you do all through the day to keep you preocuppied? What's it like slipping through your hands?

Just a suggestion to crank your lyrics up a notch above just feelings.

Jon

I didn't want to get off track with the theme of the song, missing the woman at night. But I am always open to suggestions. thanks for the critque. Heres the song...give it a listen

http://www.nowhereradio.com/jimistone/singles

[tdukex]

jimistone,

I try to be honest in my critiques, but I don't post in this forum often because I tend to be a negative son of a bitch when it comes to song lyrics. People usually don't like that--even if/when it's true. And the truth is, your song is a series of cliches strung together with a worn, "woe is me" thread. It is trite and ineffective.

Writing about a common subject is ok. Most songs do. But you have to be ORIGINAL (and REAL) to grab my interest. Do you really expect me to believe that at night when you miss your girl the feeling that wells up inside until you can barely stand being you is that "it's the end of our rainbow" and that "there's no pot of gold." Bullshit. Tell me how you really feel, and I might listen.

Now, purposefully using a cliche or two in a song can be very effective if you make it obvious that you are doing it tongue-in-cheek or putting a new twist on it. You haven't done that.

No. It is not enough to feel. You have to be honest and interesting in the way you describe these feelings. Each of the following lines fail at least one of these tests:

let your love slip right through my hands
feel it in my soul
this love I can't deny
daylight fades to night
shadows start to fall

Every line of a song does not need to contain a poetic gem or element or genius. It doesn't even have to be eloquent. It does need to be interesting, however, or resolve in an interesting way.

The positive things I see in you are passion (that ALL writers need) and a good ear.
So stop merely telling me how you feel and instead SHOW me with a story--an interesting one.

[joro]

For Country.........this is pretty good Jimi....

what is really lacking is a strong hook.

Every night it hits me just aint' a strong hook man...

I do like the rest of it though Jimi.

the meter and cadence of the recording is Nash Vegas Country for sure...
the quality is not so great though man...except for the vox....which is exceptional.

You are a pretty good singer man....you should spend less time in the Cave and more time recording man...

Be cool,
Joe

[jimistone]

thanks for the input joro. I am in the process of writing some more new material.

[jimistone]

Originally Posted by tdukex

jimistone,

I try to be honest in my critiques, but I don't post in this forum often because I tend to be a negative son of a bitch when it comes to song lyrics. People usually don't like that--even if/when it's true. And the truth is, your song is a series of cliches strung together with a worn, "woe is me" thread. It is trite and ineffective.

Writing about a common subject is ok. Most songs do. But you have to be ORIGINAL (and REAL) to grab my interest. Do you really expect me to believe that at night when you miss your girl the feeling that wells up inside until you can barely stand being you is that "it's the end of our rainbow" and that "there's no pot of gold." Bullshit. Tell me how you really feel, and I might listen.

Now, purposefully using a cliche or two in a song can be very effective if you make it obvious that you are doing it tongue-in-cheek or putting a new twist on it. You haven't done that.

No. It is not enough to feel. You have to be honest and interesting in the way you describe these feelings. Each of the following lines fail at least one of these tests:

let your love slip right through my hands
feel it in my soul
this love I can't deny
daylight fades to night
shadows start to fall

Every line of a song does not need to contain a poetic gem or element or genius. It doesn't even have to be eloquent. It does need to be interesting, however, or resolve in an interesting way.

The positive things I see in you are passion (that ALL writers need) and a good ear.
So stop merely telling me how you feel and instead SHOW me with a story--an interesting one.

I don't think the song is full of cliches. I have written alot of songs that tell stories. this is one that tells the way I felt about my wife when we were split up (we are back together again now.) I did not try to contain a "poetic gem" in every phrase....I actually think the lines in this song are pretty sparse, simple and straight forward. I like it. Thanks for your critique bro.

[SonarSongwriter]

bridge chord progression on these lyrics)

My mind starts to wonder,
as the shadows start to fall,
do you miss me too?
is there still a chance?
do I cross you mind at all


My mind starts to wonder,
and your shadows start to fall,
do you think about me
do I have a chance at all

[boingoman]

Jimi, man, you have a really nice voice.

[jimistone]

Originally Posted by boingoman

Jimi, man, you have a really nice voice.

Thanks boingoman. I am trying to quit smoking before I lose whats left of my voice. I have already lost alot of range.

[nave]

I can't critique these lyrics Jimi. It's a very sincere and heart felt song - especially since I know where you are coming based on your past posts about your wife and family. I know you and I bump heads all the time down in the "underwold" about bullshit issues, but I really feel and understand your pain through this song. Sometimes it seems like you and I come from irreconcilable worlds, but broken hearts feel the same in jersey as they do in mississippi. Thanks for sharing.

[jimistone]

Thanks nave. I never take the political stuff too seriously bro.

Originally Posted by jimistone

Thanks boingoman. I am trying to quit smoking before I lose whats left of my voice. I have already lost alot of range.

I've listened to your song and well let's just say it isn't my cup of coffee. About smoking: I thing your song could use a little more roughness between all the slide-guitars. Smoking could help you with that.