Need serious Lyric Help

[dr1keyz]

Last week, I started a song and the music is tight but I have no Ideal where to take the song...
Check it out and maybe you guys will have some input for me.

Verse 1:

I've spent all my time with you
to find out that you've been spendin'
Time with someone new
tell me what am I to do...
when I gave you all my love;
i called you my angel from above
Im a fool in love with you

Hook:
Tired of your ways
Tired of the games you play
????
????

Verse 2:
????

[Garry Sharp]

Right, first off you've got far too much rhyming - it's cloying. The 4th line in the verse is a bit rogue, but if it fits the music you've written then fine. Try this (4th line is dispensable):

I spent all my time on you
To find out you've been spending yours
On someone new
Did you think I'd never know?
When I gave you all my love
Called you my angel from above
Now where am I meant to go?

Tired of your ways
Tired of the games you play
You put me in a corner now all I can do
Is gather the pieces
And crawl away



Anyway, just some ideas...

Good luck

[poutine]

In order to finish the song lyric, maybe you should take a good look at what you've written and figure out what the song is about, where the central image or title is, etc. Once you've done that, the way forward will become clearer.

For example, the lines that stand out the most for me in your first verse are the first three lines and the last one:

I've spent all my time with you... etc.
I'm a fool in love with you

One thing I like about your first verse is that you have 7 lines, an odd number, which gives it an unbalanced feeling that fits the "fool in love" idea. I don't think your first verse is finished yet, however. It's just a first sketch. Work on it some more.

To me, the central image that everything builds towards is the last line, "I'm a fool in love with you". Why not accept that as the title and central image of the song? It feels kind of like one of those slow, jazzy torch songs that you might hear in a retro night club. It's got built-in atmosphere. I can just see the cigarette smoke curling up towards the lights and the bimbos on bar stools holding cocktail glasses with little maraschino cherries in them.

If you accept that, then write another verse on the model of the first one, perhaps beginning with something like:

I gave you everything I had
Only to find you've been giving it back
To someone new

And ending again with the title line:

I'm a fool in love with you

That's two verses, and I can stand to listen to this structure happening twice without getting bored, but after that I want to hear something new, something different, but what?

It looks like the structure that's emerging for our little torch song is A-A-B-A, which fits the retro feeling perfectly. But what to do for the B section?

Maybe take off on the "fool" image and start with a line like:

Like a fool I had to believe you
When you said your love was true
Da-da-da-da, etc. you write the rest

Corny, but might work to go in that direction. You need at least four lines here, maybe six. Use a rhyme scheme different from the verse. Maybe have a couple of very short lines in this section. Make it look different on the page than the verse.

Then go back to the A section for the last verse. You could repeat the first verse, if it ends up being a memorable enough lyric to be repeated, or you could write a new part based on the form of the A section.

Good luck with it!

[dr1keyz]

Thanks a lot...now THAT was good advice....Truly appreciated.

[joro]

needs a hook man....
something everyday but, unusual for a song....
This seems awfully cliche to me man.....

Try this...
Try writing a love song....or a heart broken love song without using the word "love"....
with the use of metaphors you can really put down a story in a new and different way.
and not everything has to rhymn man...near rhymn is cool.....


and don't forget the hook man....

Best regards,
Joe

[dvsbruchko]

My first song back in the day was called fu** the game. If you wanted, you could use my "catch phrase," - so long, thanks for the waste of time
fu** the game, I'm living my own life
That is...if you wanted an ending with a twist

[Thez_Valken]

I've spent all my time with you
to find out that you've been spendin'
Time with someone new
tell me what way to turn...
when I gave you all my love;
i called you my angel from above
Im a fool in love with you

Hook:
Tired of your ways
Tired of the games you play
If I really meant that much to you,
Forget me, and I you too.

Verse 2:
My mind's a flux
to your lack of faith
I'm keeping all your stuff
to keep you my fate
like the demon renewed
fallen like an angel from above
Im a fool in love with you

Had to give it a try, don't really have the time to fix up my crappy lines, but it was fun.