How's This?

[apl]

Hi. Please give my song a listen and critique. I posted it over at the MP3 board, but it occured to me that there may be a different crowd hanging out here, and the focus is a little different.

[gmiller1122]

At 1 AM, this sounds good. It's moody and has some very good guitar solos. The lyrics and singing don't shine, though. They almost feel like afterthoughts -- something to fill in between solos. The melody is especially plodding. This could definitely use some drum fills or tempo changes. 6 minutes is a long time.

G

[apl]

Originally Posted by gmiller1122

1. At 1 AM, this sounds good. It's moody and has some very good guitar solos.

2. The lyrics and singing don't shine, though. They almost feel like afterthoughts -- something to fill in between solos. The melody is especially plodding.

3. This could definitely use some drum fills or tempo changes.

4. 6 minutes is a long time.

1. Thank you very much!

2. I wrote the lyrics first, then built the music around that. I'll try to do better next time, of course. I'm not totally thrilled with the singing, either.

3. Tempo changes? Fills? Don't know how to program that into my drum machine. I probably need to get Fruity Loops or something.

4. Yeah, if I picked up the tempo a bit that would be changed. A lot of the guitarwork at the end is somewhat unecessary.

Thanks for giving it a listen and the helpful input!

[jeffrydada]

Apl,
This has a real heavy Neil Young feel to it. I must agree with gmiller the vocals get kinda lost in the mix. There is a positive message to your lyric yet the presention of it is rather mixed. Are you excited about going home or have you given up and and just saying "Lord take me away!"? I agree that the guitar work at the end is rather unnessesary, it is good musically but not relevant to the songs overall message. I would like to see a lyric sheet if possible. This song has some good potential. Fruity loops would help with the fills ect. I use Ableton live ('cause it runs great on both Mac and PC) to assemble all my drum loops on. Keep working on this one it not ready to be shelved I would like to hear it again after revisions have been made.
J

[apl]

J,

The lyrics are here. I was home while my wife and daughter went out of town for a few days without me, and didn't have anything to do. I was actually supposed to go with them but my vacation was cancelled at the last minute. It's OK to have a little alone time, but after a while I get uncomfortable and bored.

Thanks for the compliment on the guitar playing, and for encouraging me to keep working on it.

[Songwriter333]

My encouragement to you, good tune! Sounds like you've captured the mood you were looking for quite nicely. I agree with the comment that it sounds Neil Youngish, and the vocal style reminds me of a guy who has a Public Access Channel show in Seattle...don't recall the name. Even though it's supposed to be slower, I would likewise agree to up the tempo a little and that will be part of what shortens the song (what I call putting the song on a diet). For now, your vocal is okay, but I would try to enlist a voice with a bit more punch (without compromising soul/emotion) and maybe it would work for you to do back-up. God bless.

[jeffrydada]

apl,
All becomes clear now! thanx for the lyric, I listened again with the lyric and now have a better handle on the theme. Definately keep working on this it has potential
J.