Something new

[Garry Sharp]

Or at least we all think it has originality if nothing else.

Still a work in progress - the MP3 is truncated before the start of the third verse because the band wasn't well enough rehearsed, but from the songwriting point of view it would be very interesting to get some feedback.

The song is called Marbles, #6 on our list here:

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/...d=2045&alid=-1

It's about a relationship and indeed a life being destroyed by alcohol abuse.

Lyrics:

Marbles

Tell me why the floor ain’t level any more
Marbles keep rolling out the door
Don’t tell me about the grit that makes the pearl
Little local troubles getting bigger than the world

Jigsaw makers all been smoking dope
Nothing fits, baby we don’t have a hope
All the little pieces meant to find a happy home
They’re all out of shape and now they’re living on their own.

Tell me why it all comes clearer late at night
The empty bottle throws a light
Shines so clearly on the master of the ring
Hidden in the shadows there’s a monster pulling strings

Mornings lately getting kind of tough
Don’t need sleep but I can’t get enough
Answers come so easy when you find them late at night
Tell me what to do when they start melting in the light


Love lies screaming in the empty wreckage
Pointless heartbreak in a bar too far
Toxic meaning in a poison message
Vodka talking shows us who we are


Tell me how it is that one of me is two
An endless loser in my shoes
Don’t ask me about the things that I forget
Only now it’s dawning and I’m learning to regret

Walls don’t hear and they have never seen
Fights so careless love has never been
Wounds so deep and open we can’t Band-Aid with a kiss
I remember sober never thought we’d come to this

Love lies screaming in the empty wreckage
Pointless heartbreak in a bar too far
Toxic meaning in a poison message
Vodka talking shows us who we are

[George Parler]

Hats off to whomever wrote the song. Some of the lines speak volumes by themselves.

I listened to the song, but for my likes, I didn't like the mix. Vocals were too muddy and too far back in the mix to understand what was being sung. This could just be an encoding problem but that's what I hear. Vocalist has a nice voice, just needs to be brought forward in the mix and cleaned up a bit.

Thats my two coppers.

<><
George

[Garry Sharp]

Thanks for listening and posting George. Hugely constructive input.

I'll blush at your first sentence and take on board the rest - I think there is an encoding element because the vox are clearer in the wav/CD file than in the MP3. But clearly I screwed up the mixing tho' - I'll have another go.

I get a big kick out of the learning journey in this

[stonepiano]

Hey Garry,

It's been a while since I've encountered your work. It's good to see you're still carrying on strong over there. Last I recall, you were working with a female performer with strong vox and you were her Colonel Homer. Have things changed? I'm at work so I can't listen to your clip but it should still be interesting to see what a deaf read of your lyric provides.

Originally posted by Garry Sharp
Marbles

Tell me why the floor ain’t level any more
Marbles keep rolling out the door
Don’t tell me about the grit that makes the pearl
Little local troubles getting bigger than the world

Great first line. You've hooked onto something original with an uncommon complaint. It's incredibly vital to establish curiosity with your first line and this does that!

Next, you bring in the main analogy/double entendre. Marbles are an interesting and creative choice. The only problem I would foresee with it is that marbles (or losing one's) has come to be (at least in my mind) a fairly comical reference. You're reclaiming it here and using it in what I presume to be a serious context. It can be done but you're fighting the natural association people have with the word and phrase. Bravo for the effort, though! At least you're continuing to suprise your listener!

Also, I really like the alliteration at the beginning of the last line. Gives it a gritty texture, almost Thin Lizzy-like. That could be sooo off without hearing it sung but that's what I hear.

Originally posted by Garry Sharp
Jigsaw makers all been smoking dope
Nothing fits, baby we don’t have a hope
All the little pieces meant to find a happy home
They’re all out of shape and now they’re living on their own.

Tell me why it all comes clearer late at night
The empty bottle throws a light
Shines so clearly on the master of the ring
Hidden in the shadows there’s a monster pulling strings

Again, you go into metaphor here to good use. Stoned "Jigsaw makers" are responsible for all my failed relationships too! It feels original but I can't imagine how it is sung. Does it sound natural?

Oooh, ooooh!! "Tell me why it all comes clearer at night" is my favorite line so far. It's an introspective question but it confronts the listener as well. Very powerful tool. You kind of lose me on the "master of the ring" part. Monster pulling strings is an appropriate image. Listening to a song of this topic, you have to expect some kind of paralyzing imagery such as this to pop up. Of course, we don't want to make the afflicted seem blameless for his or her actions...

Originally posted by Garry Sharp
Mornings lately getting kind of tough
Don’t need sleep but I can’t get enough
Answers come so easy when you find them late at night
Tell me what to do when they start melting in the light

Love lies screaming in the empty wreckage
Pointless heartbreak in a bar too far
Toxic meaning in a poison message
Vodka talking shows us who we are

You return to the same idea of night providing clarity and understanding and having that comprehension fade with the rising sun. Well executed again! I'm still liking this overall. It's one of those calls for help that the audience already knows won't get answered.

Originally posted by Garry Sharp
Tell me how it is that one of me is two
An endless loser in my shoes
Don’t ask me about the things that I forget
Only now it’s dawning and I’m learning to regret

Walls don’t hear and they have never seen
Fights so careless love has never been
Wounds so deep and open we can’t Band-Aid with a kiss
I remember sober never thought we’d come to this

Love lies screaming in the empty wreckage
Pointless heartbreak in a bar too far
Toxic meaning in a poison message
Vodka talking shows us who we are

"How it is that one of me is two?" A familiar idea for the character duality associated with substance addiction. It works in my mind. Then you return to what I now assume is the chorus. Love lies screaming, huh? ok. Doesn't excite me on paper. Perhaps the performance carries it better. I would love to see that line performed in an understated voice and tone or change it to love lies silent and have the performance large and full of passion. You know. To contrast the action of the words.

Anyway. Great effort, Garry. I always appreciate your work. You're a smart fella and I respect your writing. Now do us both a favor and write about a party or the circus or something.

Miles

[Garry Sharp]

Wow Miles.

I am very VERY grateful for the effort you put into that.

Yeah, same singer, band with new guitarist (I play bass) drummer and as of a week ago a keyboard player. Getting some good gigs and having a blast.

The depth of your analysis is both impressive and verging on frightening in its perception. I view lyrics as something to work in the context of the music and tend not to labour over them; I have never spent more than half an hour writing words for a song and this one is no exception.

You asked a couple of questions. One theme - which your acute mind didn't miss - is that late at night after too much booze it seems so easy to find answers, but in practice they are detached from reality. The "shines so clearly on the master of the ring" alludes to the first part of the above sentence, and "monster pulling strings" is the alcohol distorting the thought process and making it destructive.

So far as the Love lies screaming bit is concerned, you have to listen to it - after which you may still not like it but it's intended as pure drama. There's a musical interplay between bass (the song was written off the bass) and the voice which either works or doesn't - if you find the time to listen I'd love to know what you think.

Miles thanks a million again - very helpful post. You're a star