Love with a deadly touch...comments?

[Fat_Satchel]

Hiya all! Something different...wrote a piece of music a while back with a suspensful metal feel thru it but I couldnt get the lyrics right...nothing fit. I wrote 3 or 4 different versions too hehe...what a pain. These fit nicely, got the scratch tracks cut. I'm curious what you all think...not really considering commerciality (hehe) with this...just painting a realistic picture.

There are a lot of dynamics changes thruout the verses that cant be conveyed in the lyrics...sorry

Thanks

Love with a deadly touch

3am
The house is quiet now
The bottles gone
No more right or wrong
The time has come
To show her how I feel
With nerves of steel
Everything surreal
Creep into the room
Smelling of doom
Laughter escapes me
It betrays my glee

She won’t feel a thing
Less than she brings
Love can be so obscene
Please don’t scream
As I give you all of my love
With a deadly touch

You
You look so sweet
Lying there
Sound asleep
I guess you didn’t think
That I’d find out
Just what you were all about
Well just look at me now
Standing over you
What I should I do?
With someone like you
What should I do?

She won’t feel a thing
Less than she brings
Love can be so obscene
Please don’t scream
As I give you all of my love
With a deadly touch

So many nights that I’ve stood here and tried
To decide if it’s right to let you treat me this way
The voice in my head, full of dread as it says
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! <repeat>

[magnetic8]

its pretty cool, but the main problem is, i cant tell if your planning to kill her or have sex with her while she is asleep. I got it by the end that you wanted to kill her. Thats cool but it was kinda more disturbing when it was the sex thing. Murder is romantic. Rape isn't.

[Garry Sharp]

Yeah, it said murder to me from the beginning. Very spooky and very effective - would like to hear how you approach it musically.

[rguagenti]

Nice spooky feel.

Evokes a bit of a Jim Morrison mood from the Oedipus scene in "The End".

Great imagery, I can see the evil smile as you are ready to do your deed.

One minor detail though, How are you going to do it? With the blade of a knife? with your bare hands? with a hatchet? Are you going to let us in on it or are you leaving it to our imagination?

I'd like to see how you approach this musically. A death metal type of thing perhaps.

I like the little curve ball in the first verse:
Laughter escapes me
It betrays my glee

I like the bitterness in the evocative lines"
She won't feel a thing
Less than she brings

The irony in the title:
Love with a deadly touch

Good job!!

[Fat_Satchel]

thanks for the comments guys! Always appreciate the good bad and the ugly heheh

The method of death? hmm...not really relevant to the story so Ill leave it to the listener hehe

The music is just as you all described the lyrics...spooky, disturbing (slightly), tense...not really death metal...maybe Judas Priest meets Queensryche...???

This one is really turning into a labor of love...

first problems with the lyrics

then I get stumped for an outro (still pending)

production is stumbling along cus Im really trying hard to capture the reality of the situation musically without it feeling like a production (when ya hear it I want ya to feel like youre standing there with this guy and not just being told about it). So Ive been trying different instruments, octaves and shit to see what works and what dont...theres some guitar swells done with one of those refillable metal lighters that came out cool, to give ya an idea heheh

Gonna recut a couple vocal parts this weekend and I should have a post in the clinic next week

Thanks again!