I say enough about your tunes, here's my money going where my mouth is...

[stonepiano]

I figure with all the comments I've made to people about their songs, I better at least show something raw that I've done.

This one's pretty simple. I usually write intricate story songs but this one's just a happy love song. I have a new girlfriend and rarely am I in the mood to celebrate love so I seized the opportunity. And, if you didn't know, wax and wane refer to the moon's appearance.

Any thoughts, comments, suggestions are welcome.

Wax and Wane
words and music by Miles Baltrusaitis

Verse 1

Sometimes the daylight lasts forever
When all you want is the night to fall
You and I can't spend our days together
But when the sunlight turns to black
That's when I get my baby back

Chorus 1
To watch the moon wax and wane
We'll see the moon shine on the rain
we'll let it ease all our strain
And when it's over
And when it's over
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

Verse 2
I've got a...
Strange fascination with December
Because with December comes longer nights
and I all I gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight turns to black
That’s when I get my moonlight back

Chorus 2
To watch the moon wax and wane
To see the light shine on the rain
to feel it ease all our strain
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

Bridge
It's easy to forget
What I got when I get home
Through the toll of the day
But there is nothing I regret
When I get my ass back home
For a roll in the hay - Hey, Hey, now...

~SOLO~

Verse 2
So if you and your baby can’t spend your days together
And all you want is the night to fall
All you gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight turns to black
That’s when you get your baby back

Chorus 2
To watch the moon wax and wane
To see street lights shine on the rain
to feel it ease all our strain
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

[rguagenti]

Originally posted by stonepiano
[Wax and Wane
words and music by Miles Baltrusaitis

Verse 1

Sometimes the daylight lasts forever
When all you want is the night to fall
You and I can't spend our days together
But when the sunlight turns to black
That's when I get my baby back

Chorus 1
To watch the moon wax and wane
We'll see the moon shine on the rain
we'll let it ease all our strain
And when it's over
And when it's over
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again


Nice opening verse and I really like the chorus.

The line about "sunlight turns to black" sounds a bit ominous though.

Verse 2
I've got a...
Strange fascination with December
Because with December comes longer nights
and I all I gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight turns to black
That’s when I get my moonlight back

I personally don't like the use of December 2 times so closely together. Maybe it works within the tune, but upon initial reading it sounds a bit forced.


Chorus 2
To watch the moon wax and wane
To see the light shine on the rain
to feel it ease all our strain
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

Bridge
It's easy to forget
What I got when I get home
Through the toll of the day
But there is nothing I regret
When I get my ass back home
For a roll in the hay - Hey, Hey, now...


Do you mean the "toil of the day" or is toll correct.

The last two lines came out of nowhere. You express beautiful sentiments and imagery which lead up to "get my ass back home" and "roll in the hay". It just doesn't fit within the context and the mood you have set.

~SOLO~

Verse 2
So if you and your baby can’t spend your days together
And all you want is the night to fall
All you gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight turns to black
That’s when you get your baby back

Chorus 2
To watch the moon wax and wane
To see street lights shine on the rain
to feel it ease all our strain
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again [/B]

Overall I like the imagery and the motivation. Nice poetic substance as a whole. I love the Chorus.

Hey, that's just me and my 2 cents!!

[stonepiano]

yeah. those two lines are really placeholders until I come up with something more radio friendly....It does kick things nicely into the solo tho. I still think its a good place for something controversial, but it should at least be clever too.

Plus, no one has used the phrase "roll in the hay" this century until just now...

Oh, and the second December was changed to "the cold brings longer nights"

Thanks for the read, rgu!

[LI_Slim]

I like it. Elegant in its simplicity.

I think "ease all our strain" is kinda forced.

I think the bridge could use some work also. The bridge should illuminate the rest of the song but instead it repeats the point of the first verse buy not as well.

But it's a pleasure to have the opportunity to critique something good!

[stonepiano]

Originally posted by LI_Slim
I like it. Elegant in its simplicity.

Simple is key. I usually write epic Chapin-esque stories. This was definitely meant to be less convoluted and preachy.

Originally posted by LI_Slim
I think "ease all our strain" is kinda forced.

Definitely. When you got two lines and nowhere to go with the rhyme scheme, I could have used pain but then I would really have to give myself an awful writing wedgie.

Originally posted by LI_Slim
I think the bridge could use some work also. The bridge should illuminate the rest of the song but instead it repeats the point of the first verse but not as well.

Herein lies the problem with only posting lyrics as opposed to songs. The arrangement of the bridge is such a departure rhythmically and melodically that I didn't want to get too deep in terms of communicating something in the lyrics. Of course, I'd like to illuminate the rest of the song and since rgu didn't care for it either, I'll work on fixin' it.

Originally posted by LI_Slim
But it's a pleasure to have the opportunity to critique something good!

aw shucks....We're all just at different stages of the same journey, right?

Slim. I'm gonna haveta check out what you've posted recently. If you think my stuff's good, you gotta be a pretty smart fella.

stone

[lend_me_talent]

I personally liked the roll in the hay line, makes it sound kind of playfully dirty.

I dont really like the sunlight turns to black line used twice , Unless you were using for the purpose of repitition. If not in the first verse I would probably have used something like:

And when the sunlight subsides or and when the sun makes its daily dive
My Baby will be by my side

Overall though it has a nice flow. I'd really like to hear it.

[applesmasher]

i like it. I dont know if its too artistic though for radio. Most of the songs around here on radio are pretty basic, the way teenagers would talk with eachother. Except stuff like TOOL, and their the best anyways so.... I think its good.

[LI_Slim]

Originally posted by stonepiano
Slim. I'm gonna haveta check out what you've posted recently. If you think my stuff's good, you gotta be a pretty smart fella.

stone

Well, you know what they say about great minds...


My two most recent are "Allergic to my love" and "Reincarnation", I think I posted both in the songwriting forum but maybe the mp3 clinic instead. I'd always love to get more reactions!

[Aaron Cheney]

Like Slim, I think the "strain" line in the chorus is a bit, well... strained. I also think that "wax and wain" is so out of current usage as to be unuseable. As proof, I offer you the fact that you felt like you needed to explain its definition to us. That is the death-knell for any lyric!
You've set yourself up with a really difficult word to rhyme four times in the chorus. However, I really like the "when it's over, we do it all over again" line though. There are other various lines I do and don't like. Here's how I might rewrite it, (having no idea what the melody is). And definitely a different title IMO.

Do It all over Again
words and music by Miles Baltrusaitis

Verse 1

Sometimes a day drags on forever
Sometimes I just want night to fall
'Cause then we'll finally be together
Yeah, when the sunlight fades away
I know that you'll be here to stay...

Chorus 1
And we'll dance like lovers all undone.
We'll touch each other like the sun
We'll watch the moonlight on the rain
And when it's over
And when it's over
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

Verse 2
I've got a...
Strange fascination with December
The days are short and nights are long
and I all I gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight fades away
My baby will be here to stay...

Chorus 2
And we'll dance like lovers all undone
We'll touch each other like the sun
We'll watch the moonlight on the rain
And when it's over
And when it's over
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

~SOLO~

Verse 2
I've got a...
Strange fascination with December
The days are short and nights are long
and I all I gotta do is remember
That when the sunlight fades away
My baby will be here to stay...

Chorus 2
And we'll dance like lovers all undone
We'll touch each other like the sun
We'll watch the moonlight on the rain
And when it's over
And when it's over
And when it's over
We'll do it all over again

I have no idea what style you wrote this in , but the way I've changed the lyrics it comes across to me as an R&B tune. Maybe you'll like my suggestions, maybe you think I'm full of crap. Either way, good luck with your tune!

got mojo?
www.voodoovibe.com

[Aaron Cheney]

Two more parting shots:

THe bridge is unnecessary in this tune IMO.

Talking to the audience very, very rarely works in a pop tune. I'd forget the last chorus and just keep repeating the hook.


got mojo?
www.voodoovibe.com

[stonepiano]

Originally posted by Aaron Cheney
I have no idea what style you wrote this in , but the way I've changed the lyrics it comes across to me as an R&B tune.

Thanks for the comments, I'll digest them at lunch when I have some more free time.

for the record, the genre is more weezer than r&b. How's that for a little off the mark?