First post- what do you think of my lyrics?

[Sean_Clarke]

First time I have ever put up lyric out there for feedback, a mainly just right for myself/parties- played on accustic guitar, up tempo-
All and honest feedback apriciated- don't worry- thick skinned!


20:2:2

Bleach blonde hair and a too tight dress
Even in this light, you look a mess
Those dirty black eyes just don’t disguise
You 38 and your overweight

Twenty to two (and your on your own)
Twenty to two (don’t want to be alone)
Still waiting for someone to take you home

Vodka and orange to match your tan
Fishnet stockings cast out for a man
A Marlborough in your mouth you wait for a light
I think that you could be waiting all night

Twenty to two (and your on your own)
Twenty to two (don’t want to be alone)
Still waiting for someone to take you home

The queen of clubs with a broken heart
The hand you were dealt is falling apart
You smile at the dance floor, tap your high heel shoes
You’re out of time so there’s nothing to loose

Twenty to two (and your on your own)
Twenty to two (don’t want to be alone)
Still waiting for someone to take you home

He’s married, he’s 50, and he’s various vain
He didn’t buy you a drink, can’t remember your name
His hands on your arse as he smiles at his mate
He knows your past your sell by date

And its…

Twenty to two (when he takes you home)
For forty five minutes you’re not on your own-
The he calls you a cab but doesn’t walk you to the door
You know your going to spend another night alone
Alone, spend another night alone.

[stonepiano]

Ok, Sean.

You've picked an interesting topic to tackle. What I'm getting is a portrait of a pathetic female, hopeless and hapless, yet barely worthy of sympathy from your listeners.

What I took from this:

- the speaker's tone and your choice of POV suggests a tone of pompous judgement. why use 2nd person? It comes off as you lecturing your listener. Are you not attempting to be the reporter of events? 3rd person narration would afford you a better opportunity to remain objective, which I think would help this song tremendously.

- Also, the character is too vague for me. If you want your listener to remember her and the song, give her a name! Wouldn't sharing her name be a fitting tribute to someone who goes through life so unnoticed by the world?

- I don't see what's being taught here. Is this a cautionary tale for bar sluts? What might clear up what you're trying to say is tightening or altering your denouement. In fact, it doesn't really feel like a story at all. It feels like a character sketch. Make more of an event than someone slapping her ass and more compelling an effect than her going home alone again.

Overall, I like your topic. Sad people are usually great characters to explore, but I'd like for the narrator to judge her less and dig deeper into who she is.

Miles

[Sean_Clarke]

Many thanks for the input- great to find a sight where people actually take the time to read your stuff-

The song was origionally written as a light/comedy type of thing, only it isn't funny or light! Not sympathetic on men or women lurkers at the desperate end of a night in a club! I'll have a go re-writing taking your points on board- again- thanks-

[LI_Slim]

I had similar thoughts while reading. By the way, it IS well-written.

I have a slightly more specific suggestion: give us some information about her that will make us care about her. Great songs often explore the contradictions of life.

You can do it.

[lend_me_talent]

indeed its well written i would maybe consolidate it a bit

but I'm not the best judge of songwriting

[auburncatfish]

My favorite part was the comparison of her tan to a scewdriver. Very original. Build off that and watch what I always fall into...cliche. I firmly believe it kills the authenticity of lyric. Maybe reconsider standard traps like

Broken heart, fallen apart, take you home

But, some songwriters accept cliche.

A

[Sean_Clarke]

Hey- thanks; I started with vodka and orange....fishnet stockings cast out for a man...the rest of the song had to be built around that as I liked it :-) Most of my songs are actually pretty morose, More Tom Mcrae than this....but everytime I play it its the one people remember- I also think its corny, light and full of cliches- I wanted to try and get it to fit with the rest of my stuff, but never made it happen- maybe one day!

[leavings]

Sean,

I had a very similar digestion of it as stonepiano. Especially with regards to the tone being judgemental rather than explorative. Aside from that, there were a few lines that seemed either cliched or vague. Specifically:

1) "The hand you were dealt is falling apart"
2) "You’re out of time so there’s nothing to loose"

Also, the lines:
"A Marlborough in your mouth you wait for a light
I think that you could be waiting all night"
seem awkward to me, but I don't know the meter for the lyrics, so that criticism may not be fair.

Lastly, I don't understand what you mean when you say the guy is "various vain." Does that mean he has various vanities? I don't get it...

It's a great idea though, and I think you can touch it up easily.