A song about doin' it (help needed)

[lend_me_talent]

I started writing this, but I need some help...

SYMPHONY

Tonight is about pleasure
Lets take a break
from ill-fated forevers
Tonight I want to climax
under moonlight crescendo
While raindrops play timpani
upon the window
Lets live in a dream drunk moment
Of borrowed breath until we're both spent

Tonight I want to
look at you with intention
Of things proper gents dont mention
I want to crash like cymbals
but a little less musical
still no less intense
Each collision provides counterpoint
To our old conservative souls
As we conduct our semi-sweet symphony
Atop a stage of shattered clothes

hmm thats all I've come up with so far it seems like more of a poem than a song what with the lack of any kind of chorus....

[applesmasher]

sounds kind of dorky. lol no offense , but gents? Counterpoint reference? Timpani sounds too much like tampon, a turnoff. Maybe smooth it out more so its closer to the language you would use when your in the "mood". Just an idea.

[lend_me_talent]

counterpoint as in counterpoint to a melody-- just sticking with the musical theme

and gents is very proper because its in direct relation to the images a lot of people associate with syphony and timpani is pronounced nothing like tampon

the poem/song whatever the hell it is-- is supposed to have kinda of a roguish, debonair feel to it, but its all tongue in cheek I'm pokin' fun at the James Bond archetype. this thing is something about a serious topic that is not meant to be taken seriously.

you are very right none of these words are one I would actually use if I was trying to hit. Its not meant to be taken literally or seriously.

At least thats what its supposed to be. Obviously I have failed in my attempt to convey what I was trying to.

Thanks for your feedback, its been very valuable in helping me.

JF

[Chris Shaeffer]

Not so fast, Talent!!

I thought it was good, well worded, and fairly clever.

I liked "atop a stage of shattered clothes" though I'm not entirely sure how to shatter cloth. I might have said "scattered" to make more sense, but shattered has more impact.

If I were writing the song, I would have avoided the word "climax." Somehow, it just rubs me the wrong way and seems to cheapen the allusion you are building.

Other than that, I think you've got a great start to a fun song. Its hard to gracefully write a song about "doin' it" without...er...bumping into a few difficulties.

Nice work.
Chris

[applesmasher]

lol sorry tampani is cool if it doenst sound like tampon i didnt know how to pronounce it. I still think the gents things is odd, but maybe not for an older crowd. I also think the atop shattered clothes line is a graceful way to end it. If it was a " get in the mood" song which i thought it was, i wasnt felling it, But its interesting the double meaning thing your going for. huh so its like trying to mirror the instruments playing with the movement of sex? Pretty cool concept now that i see it.

[lost studios]

There's something about reading lyrics like this that makes them so much cheesier than hearing them sung in context with music...

[lost studios]

oh yeah... not your lyrics in paticular, lend_me_talent, just lyrics in general...

[applesmasher]

yah tahts true you could make anything fit a mood jsut by the way you sing it. My favorite is when blink 182 sings "fart, shit, mother fuuuuuuker" really soft and serious. its great. any ways...