A very simple concept song please critique

[lend_me_talent]

OK the consensus here is that my songs are too long. So here it something I just wrote. So this is my attempt to write a short song. This is not my usual style, but what the hell give me your worst.

RIDDLE

It is beauty empirical
and love spiritual
Though its so complicated
From it I could not be seperated
Its nothing less than my life
The essence from which all joys are derrived

CHORUS
Riddle me with questions
Of my thoughts and my emotions
Knowing no answer could appease
Or bring ease to gnawing insecurities

Its moving at a breakneck pace
With your feet in the same place
Though it consumes you whole
Without it there can be no soul
Its can be nothing but a word sometimes
Unless two people believe its otherwise

© Joe Ford 2003

Ok so does this song suck or is it a potentially good? I dont have any melody or anything figured out yet.

Ok back to the fuckin beer

[Gidge]

are you trying to do something aimed at commercial success?

[lend_me_talent]

I am putting together tracks for my first home album so not necessarily commercial

[Benreturns]

Oh good!

There aren't too many commercial successes out there with chorus's like that.

[lend_me_talent]

eh the chorus could be better but I wrote this thing in 10 minutes for the amount of time I spent on it I dont think its bad besides it says right in the title its a concept song


besides what is wrong with some of you people who automatically assume commercial= derivative and formulaic

"Oh good!

There aren't too many commercial successes out there with chorus's like that."

sheesh I feel sorry for some of you who only see the forest, but miss out on the beauty of the trees...

[Dr Hoss]

my only complaint is that it rhymes too much. Rhyme schemes are fine and dandy, but only when they're used in moderation. Also, I guess it depends on your musical tastes...for instance, listen to Counting Crows "August and Everything After." Fan-freakin-tastic lyric writing, and hardly any rhymes to be found on the whole album. Rhyme schemes are tools, just like vibrato, delay, and range. It's what you do with it that counts...not that you just have it or don't.

[Benreturns]

I like my trees interesting.
I didnt diss your lyric, but from the looks of it I cant see anything commercial about it.
Its just too... introspective? You'd need the best melody/delivery with that to make it 'commercial'.

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
eh the chorus could be better but I wrote this thing in 10 minutes for the amount of time I spent on it I dont think its bad besides it says right in the title its a concept song


besides what is wrong with some of you people who automatically assume commercial= derivative and formulaic

"Oh good!

There aren't too many commercial successes out there with chorus's like that."

sheesh I feel sorry for some of you who only see the forest, but miss out on the beauty of the trees...

[lend_me_talent]

Benreturns

not trying to offend you or anything dude. I grew up listening to such an eclectic selection of shit that my view of commercial is probably just very abstract. No offense man. I appreciated your feedback.

[dafduc]

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
From it I could not be seperated

This one line is clumsy. The rest is great. Melody and delivery will matter a lot, but this is a good set of lyrics. I liked the loose rhymes especially.

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
Ok back to the fuckin beer

Good idea!

Daf

[Benreturns]

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
Benreturns

not trying to offend you or anything dude. I grew up listening to such an eclectic selection of shit that my view of commercial is probably just very abstract. No offense man. I appreciated your feedback.

Im young. I have an attention span of about 3mins and like songs about shagging haha. No offence mate! Peace dude.

[rguagenti]

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
RIDDLE

It is beauty empirical
and love spiritual
Though its so complicated
From it I could not be seperated
Its nothing less than my life
The essence from which all joys are derrived

It works on a poetic level, but not so much on the lyrical level unless you are going after a Yes or Rush type of thing. I tend to be more simplistic in my writing and try to write the way I speak.

For instance I would write something like
"Though it seems so complicated
I could not get separated"

Words like empirical tend to come off as pompous. I'm not saying that about you..I can tell from your posts you are ceretainly not pompous....it's just how it reads to me.

CHORUS
Riddle me with questions
Of my thoughts and my emotions
Knowing no answer could appease
Or bring ease to gnawing insecurities



appease, ease, insecurities--Not my style, but it may work within the structure of a tune.


Its moving at a breakneck pace
With your feet in the same place
Though it consumes you whole
Without it there can be no soul
Its can be nothing but a word sometimes
Unless two people believe its otherwise

© Joe Ford 2003


You seem to be getting closer to the mark with this last Verse. It reads more naturally.

I would personalize this a bit though and instead of "Unless two people..." I would write "Unless you believe.." It "warms" it up a bit and removes the cold third person dialogue. Up to this point the song had a personal feel to it, this last line detaches the wol effect.

You obviously have a good grasp of things poetic, but lyrics are really dumbed down poetry(with very few exceptions). That's not to say a good lyric is a bad poem.

But hey, that's only me and my 2 cents.


Ok back to the fuckin beer [/B]

Have one on me!

[stonepiano]

Originally posted by lend_me_talent
For the amount of time I spent on it, I dont think its bad

Ok.... First rule, you don't get to make disclaimers for a song on a recording and you shouldn't do it live either. Nobody gives a shit how much time you spent on it. Either it's a good song or it's not.

The song's interesting. You have inner rhyme and, I would imagine a bouncy rhythm to go with it. RGuagenti suggested Rush or Yes but I hear more Supertramp "Logical Song" here.

In terms of extracting a meaning from this song, I don't think it's impossible but I don't think it's the point. The words, their shapes and sounds are used like toys playing. It's a fun composition. I dig it.

And don't make any more excuses!

Stone

[lend_me_talent]

Thanks for the replies all

this song is actually meant to be a reply for when your girl asks you [i]that[\i] inevitable question "do you love me?" after you reply with a prompt "yeah" and start to feel pretty clever that you answered so quickly..... she then for some fuckin inexplicable reason ask "why?"

This song was my "why" its meant to be a kinda smartass-ish reply

CHORUS
Riddle me with questions
Of my thoughts and my emotions
Knowing no answer could appease
Or bring ease to gnawing insecurities

I was thinking of some poor dude getting riddled with bullets and overcome by his girlfriends by his girls asking him that same fuckin question every week. After re-reading I will probably change the last line as lines like that are really only helpful for getting a sex lockout


I totally agree about the language, I dont know why I tend to use somewhat archaic diction. Oh fuck I just did it again, this could have all been avoided if I had just skipped class more....

[Dr Hoss]

something makes me think that guy's drunk

[Fat_Satchel]

Not sure if I can add anything that hasnt been touched on here. One thing is that I didnt realise there was a chorus until I read someone elses post commenting on it....It reads too much like the verses.

The second verse is much more natural (like someone said). One little trick I use is to switch verses around. Usually my first verse I write is not my strongest so if I can Ill put it into 2nd or 3rd position, or dump it completely after Ive written a couple more verses.

One thing I notice that noone has mentioned...the lyric starts out with the word "it" and carries on throughout, referring to this "it". The chorus should probably explain what "it" the verses are referring to or else only you will understand your song.

Last, pick a melody and start singing your lyrics. Sing it to the cambell soup song if you have to!! This will help you flesh out the lines and words that arent flowing right.

Ok Ive rambled on far too long hehe