critique please

[Bill_Clinton]

I wrote this song for an acoustic guitar. It's meant to be an extremly simple sounding song. The idea is for just a singer with a guitar with a recorded sound that sounds kind of like greenday's time of your life.....not a perfect recording job, but a good one.

One more question.....if you could come up with a title, that'd be great, cause I'm really bad at coming up with titles that catch on.

(Verse 1)
Watching and waiting and holding my breath.
Don't quite know what to expect.
Lies and deceit, well it's what I believe,
and it's something you've grown to perfect.

(Verse 2)
Sit in confusion, take in what I see,
with a grain of salt and half smile.
Lies and deceit, well it's what I believe.
While they tell us that all is alright.

(Verse 3)
Shiver and hiding, and running afriad,
relief's just a gunshot away.
Lies and deceit well it's what I believe,
and no one will have any say.

(Verse 4)
Run off to war boy they told you it's fun.
Pack up your life and hit pause.
Over and over they wait for your call.
While you answer their call to arms.

(Verse 5)
Awake for days, let the shock settle in.
All written in one saddened note.
Lies and deceit, well it's what I believe,
For years they accept and let go.


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I know it's kind of hard to describe what the songs supposed to sound like, but any criticsim, even if you think the song is garbage, is much appreciated.

Thanks

[Fat_Satchel]

My opinion...it has no point to it. Each verse in itself is good but theres no connection between them...they each seem to say something different and unrelated to the previous verse.

Also, I get the connection between this and greendays song you mentioned as far as structure but theres no one line that jumps out like greendays "I hope you have the time of your life" ending each verse, the closest line I grab onto is "well, its what I believe" which is conspicuously missing from verse 4.

it just seems to jump from idea to idea at each verse...maybe it comes off better played...text is so one dimensional hehe

Just my opinion...take it for what its worth.

LS

[Bill_Clinton]

The song is my take on both, what I think of war, and what it must be like for a family to see a child off to war. (or at least what I think it must be like)

The line "Lies and deciet, well it's what I believe" is a shot at how great they try to make [going off to war] sound.

As a side note-
I know what you must be thinking after reading what I said about music just being fun....I have no problem with music that has a message, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun playing it, and you don't have to be depressed, or hate it....

just to clear things up.

and as for verse 4 not having the line in it.....it just didn't fit.

verse 5 I've been told before makes no sense.....but it's about the telegram the family gets when family member has been killed in battle...and how they can just get over the loss, that in my opinion, is a pointless loss in the first place.

peace, lovin' and tree huggin'