aaarrrggghhh!!! I need some objective input here

[Fat_Satchel]

I the position of having to write lyrics to a piece of music I've recorded...this isnt how I usually write and its driving me nuts! Everything Im coming up with sounds forced...been thru a few versions so far...heres some of the latest...please citique these.

Its a rock tune...147bpm Id describe the vibe as tension, angst and anger... if that helps hehe

I can post a clip of the track if need be...

<<<Version 3>>>

Verse:
Life, you bitch
You keep knocking me down
I haven’t had enough
The fight goes on
Don’t push me around
I’m not giving in
I’ve still got some fight
Got my second wind
Oh the times I’ve tried
To just get by
And there you were
Inside of me

Chorus:
Harder, hit me harder
Hit me harder
Take your best shot
While you can
Hit me harder
Hit me harder
Beat me senseless
Black and blue

Verse:
Oh the things
You make me do
Why do I listen to you?
Why do I listen to you?
I am in control
Of my own life
I got the plan in my head
Yes, it’s all in my head
War with myself
War with myself
War will set me free
So I can be at
So I can…

Repeat Chorus...

<<<Version 2>>>

Verse:
Speed kills
I want to see if it’s true
I’m going to wind it up
And let it loose
Red and blues
Coming up behind me
I’m not so hard to find
With my intent to die
As the miles
Go passing by
The flashing lights
Silent screams
Sing tauntingly

Chorus:
Somewhere up ahead
There’s a place
Where I hope to
Find you again
Until then
Stuck in this skin
I think I’ll have
me some fun

Verse:
It’s not fair
Why did you have to die?
I loved you
Now I’m all alone
The engines screaming
As I’m dreaming
About you
Almost time for the show
Almost time to let go
Of the wheel
And finally feel
All of the pain
Releasing its hold
Upon my soul

Repeat Chorus

<<<Version 1 pieces anyways...I didnt like it at all>>>

I’ll trade you
for your love
I’ll be a good little boy
if I can get enough
Maybe a little bit more
then I had before
Or just a chance
to feel your touch

Its been just enough
to make me mad
To make you hate
that I’m so bad

You can beat me
with the belt
The one in the closet
that leaves a welt
I won’t even whine
when it comes time
Our little secret
I wont tell



Why wont you play with me, Momma?
Why wont you play with me, Momma?
Momma, why wont you play with me?
Why oh Why wont you play with me Momma?
Am I really all that bad?


How you beat me
How you tape my hands together
You mistreat me
How you explain it all away

You make me play hide n seek
In the closet for weeks



...

If they all suck let me know...I think Im a bit too close to it and cant tell LOL

[studioviols]

AAAAaaagggghhhHhhhh !

yer killin' me ... hell yeah post the Klip dode !

but post one at 128kpbs with your vocal ... and one at 192kbps WITHOUT your vocal, (please), ... so we can have a try at crafting your lyrics, to your music ...


The 128kpbs will give us the general idea, and then we can collaborate from there ...

ahem ... please

[applesmasher]

for some reason the third one is funny to me. The "why wont you play with me momma?" I kno its not supposed to be though. I like the second and the third one best. Proably the second one the most, it has the best imagery, with the red and blue lights, and then the spiritual lyrics with the release my soul or wahtever at the end. Anything that avoids cliche makes it better for me. I would like to hear it also.

[lotuscent]

try writing some straight from the heart prose...
then let yourself play with these as lyrics and drop any preconcentions of meter or line length.
some lines and phrases work well as drawn out words, or with pauses, or whatever.
stick with real essential things and don't try to fill every beat with a syllable.

that's how i write to grooves i have already created.

sometimes it works.

peace.

[Fat_Satchel]

well Ive been trying to post this 2 min clip to IUMA and it just refuses to go thru...never had a prob with em before, quite a few posts on thier forum indicate IUMA is on its last legs....very disappointing. Im in the country and its an effort anyways to post anything with my 24k conn...

created a site at music2v.com and tried posting it there...basically the same thing happens...starts u/l'ing then a "page not found" error (IUMA just hangs).

soooo.....

Studioviols...Id love to collab with ya dude but as you can see....IUMA only allows max 160kps files anyways, and I dont have a vox track presently, not that it wouldnt take me long to cut one for ya (it would be necc. for a collab on this one hehe)

Applesmasher...hehehehe yea the 3rd one [ver1] sucked...its really just bits n pieces of things I was fitting together...got sick of the whole concept and gave up...they were lyrics I had already written that kinda fit...thanks for the comments regard'g the second one [ver2] this is the one I preferrede but didnt really think I had the imagery down right...its suppose to be about a guy lost his girl and decides to commit suicide in a high-speed chase so he can be w her hehe...didnt think I conveyed that well enuf.

Lotuscent...I agree with your comments regarding meter/line length...it is exactly why I cant work this way. As a guitarist first n formost I have a habit of making lyrics follow the progression when I write lyrics after the fact...not always a good thing...this one does too [but not in a bad way] and its throwing my perspective off. That said however, each line as a "breathing spot" at the end of it except the last 4 of each verse...theres plenty of space (I think) already so its not a syllible problem (I dont think) hehe

thanks for the time guys but until I can get this thing posted [Ill keep trying cus its pissin me off] Im putting it on the back burner...already started on a sappy love song yesterday morning hehehe

Thanks again

LS

[HomeRec]

Writing cohesive lyrics is difficult, especially if you're not used to writing straight prose. I've found that, when crafting lyrics, it helps to keep them flowing naturally. For example:

Verse (original):
Life, you b**ch
You keep knocking me down
I haven’t had enough
The fight goes on

Verse (revised):
Life, you b**ch
Keep knocking me down
I'll keep coming back;
The fight goes on

There were two changes... elimination of the second "You" and a rewrite of the third line.

The second "You" gets in the way of the lyric's dynamics. By removing it, you turn a statement of fact into an emotional threat.

The third line is a stumbling block... you're angry! You're ticked off! It's not that you "haven't had enough", it's that you won't back down! So you'll "keep coming back".

Try going through your verses and simply rearrange the structure to read like a book. Read them out loud - if they sound wrong when you say them, they probably won't sound right in the song, either. Once that's done, do minor tweaks to make them fit the rhythm of the song, either by adding, subtracting or changing words or changing the phrasing of the words to better fit the music.

Hope this helps... post the final cut when you finish it!