still getting the hang of this songwriting thing please critique 2new songs

[lend_me_talent]

SEASONS OF A GIRL

FALL
>
> Leaves changing colors
> your colors are changing too
> You've become unfamaliar
> When I'm lying next to you
> still Time is a juggernaut
> and ours will come around
> When the temp has dropped again
> and snow covers the ground
>
> WINTER
>
> The cold has us conered inside
> We fall into each others warmth
> Givin in to passions
> last season denied
> My hands remember every fret of your form
> I intend to play every chord
> And some yet invented
> Cuz who knows where we'll be
> When this seasons ended
>
> SPRING
>
> Surrounded by new life
> We've died once again
> Your nature has taken hold
> and you walk away again
> Dont even bother with goodbye
> Cuz we both know
> When summer burns you will return
> Otherwise I'd pray for snow
>
> SUMMER
>
> The sun-soaked days
> Have have lit your way
> Back to our would be home
> One day you/she will know
> that her journeys end in me
> No matter where she roams
>
>
> CHORUS??/ Still trying to figure out if I want to have a
> chorus for this song
>

CHORUS??
> She wants to be free An unsolved mystery
> As if being loved could cage her soul
> just wish I knew the reason
> Why she seems to change
> her mind like the seasons


DAYS GO BY

VERSE 1
Another day starts but where do I begin?
I cant move and the walls are cavin in
yet I have miles to go so I have to face my day
hoping for a sign that everything will be okay
Feel like I'm all alone wandering across (the/this) plain
A solitary wild rose waiting for the rain

CHORUS

Days go by
And I'm fading away
I'm just an empty space
Everyday is filled with obstacles
I can’t find the strength to face

VERSE 2
Holdin on with everything I’ve got
My grip feels like its slipping
and my stomach is in knots
I can faintly remember happy days
I distinctly remember them going away
Still waiting for a sign that everything will be okay


VERSE 3
Feels like this night is just for me
She wraps me in her sable wings
In a starless dream I'm wandering
Beyond the reach of life's monotony
Its in this darkness that I finally see
The hope a new day holds for me

-------------------------------------------------------------
These are both going to be acoustic songs. I would appreciate any help y'all can spare. Suggestions are appreciated.

[lend_me_talent]

are these songs that bad?

[denguitar]

No there not all that bad... it just depends on what you plan to do with them.... Record for art sake or try to sell as a writer or artist...

That's where the hours or re-writing comes in.... Oh and the rejection....

Hang in there...

[distortedrumble]

when it comes to songwriting....how long it takes you to say what you want to say is important......since i dont know the chord structure of your song and how its put together it looks like poetry more than a song. when you lay out lyrics, go ahead and put them to music. alot of times you'll find what your saying is to wordy or doesnt fit in a certain part of the song. remember when you say "songwriting" its the whole song...not just the lyrics.

[jjtcorsair]

I like the lyrics a lot, especially Seasons. Reminds me of a song cycle my dad wrote about the seasons. I would love to hear the songs recorded.

the first one i honestly thought was a little boring good metaphores and all that and good wording just boring and it looked like poetry, i'm sure i would have a diff. opinion if i heard them with music but maybe not. the second one made me actually want to understand what it was about , and was more interesting, i think they could both be great songs but we need some music. so maybe u could hit us up with a recording, we don't need an album debut just a rythm or something.

[lend_me_talent]

thanks for the feedback all.


I am still working on coming up with a rythm for my songs

distorted thats a good idea that might help me with my trouble for coming up with music to go along with my lyrics.

I am still a newbie when it comes to music does anyone have any tips that might help me decide on a rythm for my songs?

[rguagenti]

It's diffficult for me to judge a song on the basis of the poetry alone. While these definitely work as poetry, lyrics are not necessarily poetry(. Lyrics need to be free flowing as in speech between two people. When you start fitting these to music, you may have to adjust your meter, delete, add in some words, whatever. Don't get married to the poem as it stands now.

As far as fitting these to music:

What mood do you want to convey? Sentimental? Sad? So happy I could cry? So happy I don't know whether to sh*t or go blind?

Each conveys a different mood and hence a different tempo. I suspect you already have some mood in mind since you are going to make these acoustic..I suspect ballads. Find a chord progression that matches your mood, play around some minor chords, my favorite is E minor(only because it's so easy to play). You can transpose to whatever key later to match your voice if need be.


Pick a piece of a chord structure from a song that is the same type of song you are aiming for. Only pick out maybe a progression of 4 or 5 chords and run with it on your own. The melody will come. If you have any kind of ear for music, this will not be all that difficult. But remember "take whatever time it takes, and as many takes as it takes, to come up with the complete song"


Alternatively, distortedrumble has a good technique, when you lay out your lyrics try to have tune in mind. This ultimately helps with your phrasing, even if this isn't the final melody that you settle on. Then the chords follow.

Good Luck!

[LI_Slim]

For chrissake, you can write lyrics without music if you want to. There's no rule about that. I like:

She wants to be free An unsolved mystery
As if being loved could cage her soul.


I would change "as if" to "like" to fix the meter. The meter is rough throughout by the way and I would work on that.

I like the concept. You might want to limit the song to two seasons and then explore the relationship a little more specifically. There's no imagery about the girl or observations about the relationship other than the fact that she feels conflicted. If you're writing about a relationship you want to draw people in to the experience of the relationship.