first post ....blah blah

[lend_me_talent]

I don't consider myself a seasoned songwriter or any bullshit like that I just want to make music, with that said any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated

thanks


ARK

Verse 1

You are my sanctuary
from life's madness
The ark that rescued me
from flooding sadness
I pray that you let your love
rain on me
for forty days plus infinity
You are my religion
You make me believe

Chorus

You are my galaxy
No star could outshine your eyes
Your essence subtle as melody
Fills the corners of my mind
Seems like I’ve known you
More than years can define
You’re the breath of life
That stems the tides of time

Verse 2

You are my breath of life
I breath you in & I'm eternal
Where you and I cease to be
Is where we begin
I was floating in an empty dream
Can remember life before you
Though I was not really alive
Til your kiss defined sensation
And made real (the)
imagined passions in my mind
Sometimes its seems
like something odd to me
That what began as two
has become one entity

Verse 3

I’m writing you
a lyrical love letter
Hoping you’ll find
my truth in this melody
You’re the perfect song
my soul could never pen
Mother natures mystery
I may never truly comprehend
but there is nothing I'd rather do
Then spend the rest of my days
Trying to decipher you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

yeah thats it another f*ckin love song

JC

[lend_me_talent]

oh, i just read the follow my example post by nilbog, but i dont have any means of recording myself at the moment http://homerecording.com/bbs/showthr...hreadid=101766

but as soon as I get my stuff together I will stick to the guidelines

[tjohnston]

You are my galaxy...... You are my breath of life.....


Oh my God.... Gag.... cough.....

I could never say that to anyone in real life but, hey good luck in your recording

[dafduc]

Originally posted by tjohnston
You are my galaxy......

I dated a girl who was built like a Galaxie 500 once.

She was a guzzler, too...

Seriously, sounds okay, but maybe a little more clichèd than it should be. And I would go for a little more mystery (or outright inscrutability), make the listener work at figgering what you're getting at once in a while.

Always make sure there're at least two plausible answers to that question, too - then the girls who pay attention to those things will argue among themselves as to what you really mean, and their moist panties will be yours for the taking.

Damn, I gotta get out more...

Daf

[Fat_Satchel]

damn! he got me wet! ....and Im a guy!


I like the flow
I like the lack of obvious rhyming (that plagues sooo many love songs)

I dont like the length..prolly record out to something like 8 mins maybe hehe

This is a good example of needing to hear the music/melody to appreciate the lyrics/song because Im thinking youre gonna need some musicians with goood memories to remember all the different beat counts...each verse is a very different length (by reading it...maybe the melody carries it thru equal measures...I dunno) and the chorus is waaaayyy too long (as long as the first verse)

From an idealistic perspective, it just seems to say the same thing over and over and over...line by line, and never gets into who the two people are or what the story is.

just 2c from some guy on the net...

[the Ozlee]

I don't normally respond in this manner to someone's work. It really doesn't matter if it has to many cliches, it presents to many problems to be useable song lyrics in it's current form. Musically these lyrics require an elaborate melodic structure to succed and still need considerable work. I do think that it would work as a spoken piece that could be used during a performance to give a change of pace or as I have heard it reffered to as "performance dynamics."

Just my opinion for what that is worth.

Keep the faith....Ozlee

[Benreturns]

At first i thought the lyrics were a bit dramatic and how could you ever fit them to a song? But... I actually find myself quite liking them. Forty days plus infinity... sweet.

How are you planning on turning it into a song? Seems like a nice bit of poetry at the moment.