sonnets

[Layla Nahar]

Hi All,

I've been writing some sonnets to work on my 'poetry chops' - I'm in school - studying music, and the one thing I haven't been doing much of is, ironically, *writing* music...

I think it will be pretty obvious that this is about a boy I keep running into here... (He's in 2 of my classes. )

1
Some days I see you, I know you'll be there,
other days it a surprise, I turn, there
you are. I take you in and you take me.
We play it cool, as if we didn't see
anything out of the ordinary
Cool, as if the heart were secondary.
"I will get through this" but still it lingers -
what happened here? Did we speak without words?

Something has passed between us. If only,
if only, I could reach out when you pass by

2
Perhaps I remind you of someone. That
might explain the close stern way you looked at
me, perhaps examining the details
of my face, my clothing. This somehow fails
still, to reconcile a lingering sense
that we should find a way to cross this fence,
this barrier that has made Israel
and Palestine of us. I know too well

lost chance, missed words. And you? We will still meet.
Never to speak is a kind of defeat.


I've only written about 4-5 sonnets so far. Sometimes I'm pleased with them, other times i'm not. Anyway, they are just excercises ...

[cellardweller]

I'm probably not qualified to comment on sonnets, but I liked it.
The Israel/Palestine reference caught me off guard, but that's good, right?

And for christs sake, talk to the boy! Regret is everones downfall.

[Layla Nahar]

Originally posted by cellardweller
I'm probably not qualified to comment on sonnets, but I liked it.
The Israel/Palestine reference caught me off guard, but that's good, right?

And for christs sake, talk to the boy! Regret is everones downfall.

For me, the only 'comment' that really counts is, did you like it, or didn't you ...

re: the israel/palestine thing - well, that may reveal a bit about my politics... but do you know about this fence (or wall, depending on who you ask) that israel is building between themselves and the palestinians? that might make the comment a bit clearer.

"talk to the boy" -- I'm working on it. Its just so hard to find the right ... circumstances. (I'm one of those people who functions in thier thoughts and dreams more than in the real world - that makes this sort of thing *really* hard for me) thanks for the encouragement.

[studioviols]

You've inspired a very good melody in me,
for both the verses and the chorus.

Thanks very much for this part of you to work with.
It's an honor to craft real life for others to partake in song.

Here is a re-crafting of your work into the fashion of song format.
This is one of my favorite things to do.


SUGGESTED TITLE : 'We Aren't Blind'

VERSE 1 :
-------------------------------------------
Some days, I know, when I turn, there you are.
Somedays I look forward to surprises.
I take you, in, and you take me,
We play it cool ... but we aren't blind.

PRE-CHORUS :
---------------------------------------------
Are we ordinary, will we obey the rules ?
Our hearts, secondary, lingering on ...
What really happened here?
Did we speak without words?
Help me out when you pass by.

CHORUS : 1
--------------------------------------------
Help me out when you pass by ...
Meet me halfway, reach out, hold me tight.
Help me out when you pass by ...
Help yourself to me, we aren't blind.

VERSE 2 :
--------------------------------------------
Do I remind you of someone, I know I've seen you before.
In our dreams, do we conjur, one another, to adore.
Are you Romeo in Israel, your Juliet in Palestine ?
Yes there's a fence to cross, we aren't blind.

PRE-CHORUS :
---------------------------------------------
Are we ordinary, will we obey the rules ?
Our hearts, secondary, lingering on ...
What really happened here?
Did we speak without words?
Help me out when you pass by.

CHORUS : 2
--------------------------------------------
Help me out when you pass by ...
Meet me halfway, reach out, hold me tight.
Help me out when you pass by ...
Help yourself to me, we aren't blind.

VERSE 3 :
-------------------------------------------
Your inspections of me, in obvious detail.
Your examining my face and my clothing somehow fails.
To give me the courage to take the chance,
to celebrate the images, of this romance we aren't blind.

PRE-CHORUS : (cut to chorus x2 outro optional)
------------------------------------------------------------
Are we ordinary, will we obey the rules ?
Our hearts, secondary, lingering on ...
What really happened here?
Did we speak without words?
Help me out when you pass by.

CHORUS : (times 2, outro option)
--------------------------------------------
Help me out when you pass by ...
Meet me halfway, reach out, hold me tight.
Help me out when you pass by ...
Help yourself to me, we aren't blind.

EXTRA : (outro options)
---------------------------------------------
Lost chance ...(piano fill), missed words ... (piano fill)
We might yet meet sometime ...
But you know, we aren't blind.
Help me out when you pass by.

[Layla Nahar]

Originally posted by studioviols
You've inspired a very good melody in me,for both the verses and the chorus.

Thanks very much for this part of you to work with. It's an honor to craft real life for others to partake in song.

Here is a re-crafting of your work into the fashion of song format.This is one of my favorite things to do.


SUGGESTED TITLE : 'We Aren't Blind'

Aahhh - I just hear it now ...
I'm really glad you this inspiration from it.

[studioviols]

Layla,

Would you like to invite others in the forum to participate in a collaboration on these lyrics.

Perhaps you or another person would like to develop some piano, or basic instrument like guitar to a vocal melody, so as to develop one primary instrument and the vocal ?

[dafduc]

Layla, nice writing.

What are the sonnet rules? Is there a specific meter? Accent pattern? Rhyme scheme?

was the there/there couplet (v 1, lines 1-2) legal, or should the preceding syllables rhyme to make it so?

I thought Israel / Palestine was well done - who needs another Capulet / Montague reference???



Daf

[cellardweller]

Huh huh, you guys ...are like,... poetic n stuff

Good work.

Are Capulet and Montague cities or something?

[Layla Nahar]

Originally posted by dafduc
Layla, nice writing.

What are the sonnet rules? Is there a specific meter? Accent pattern? Rhyme scheme?

was the there/there couplet (v 1, lines 1-2) legal, or should the preceding syllables rhyme to make it so?

I thought Israel / Palestine was well done - who needs another Capulet / Montague reference???



Daf

Yeah, the first one - see, I wrote these on the commuter train - and I was kind of working some stuff out - so I didn't see untill I typed it in here that I had used the same word twice! so, no it is either weak or wrong depending on how strict you are.

Sonnet - form, (as I reacall)
10 syllables per line, ideally 5 pairs of short-long syllables.
The idea rhyme scheme is two ABBA quatrains followed by a rhyming couplet.
the quatrains can also be AABB or ABAB ...
That last couplet should have a little 'twist' or 'bang'

prolly I'm off on my Iambics ...

I'm glad you liked the isreal palestine reference...