new song idea...any suggestions?

[mrcheesehead]

ok...I was in a sorta depressed mood a while ago and i thought "hey...what better time to write a really depressing song." So i set out on a mission. Unfortulately(well...actually fortunately) my depression is gone now and i have no more muse for these lyrics. Anyway...heres what i got out of it. Suggestions welcome.

verse:
wait, for me
with broken hearts
and new addictions

stay, with me
cold skin and bones
and contradictions


chorus:
all of your regrets
make me melt inside
and everybody hurts
for a little while

verse:
wait, for me
to lose it all
with a swift defeat

stay, with me
cause i have seen
immeasurable repeats

chorus:
all of your regrets
make me melt inside
and everybody hurts
for a little while





- thanks.

[AJ_Cantos]

NO COMMENT

[BloodShark]

Ideed depressing...

[mrcheesehead]

then the idea is successful. yay for me.

[Fat_Satchel]

Originally posted by mrcheesehead
immeasurable repeats

This line threw me...doesnt seem to fit for me...too many syllibles or something.

What I expected was "too many leave"

Other then that I really liked it. As to completion, with some appropriate musical interludes strategically placed you could lengthen it out. Depressed people are generally not very talkative heheh. The chorus, to me, begs to be repeated at the end a few times.

Cool lyrics!

[mrcheesehead]

heh...thanks for the reply. i didnt like that line too so i changed it. actually i changed a few other parts of the song and also added a part at the end that can repeat and the feel of the song seems to me like it would be something you would put at the end of an album. anyway...here are the new lyrics.

verse:
wait here for me
with shattered hopes
and new addictions

stay here with me
cold skin and bones
and contradictions


chorus:
all of your regrets
make me melt inside
and everybody hurts
for a little while

verse:
wait here for me
to lose it all
with a swift defeat

stay here with me
cause i have seen
too many repeats

chorus:
all of your regrets
make me melt inside
and everybody hurts
for a little while

New Part:
You've left me alone
for something better
if you come back to me
would it matter
(repeat until I make all of the emo kids cry)

[studioviols]

Knowing how to craft your mood into a song is a powerful writing tool. You have danced with the muse, congrats !

[studioviols]

TITLE : 'a little while'


My two cents for rewrite :

VERSE 1 :
wait here for me ... (punch riff A)
with shattered hopes, and new addictions [stay!],

here with me ... (punch riff A)
cold skin and bones, and contradictions.

CHORUS 1 :
All of your regrets, melt me inside. (like a candle)
everybody hurts, maybe just a little while.

CHORUS TAGS (extension) : (backup and harmony vocals)

jus' a little whi --- le (hold 'i'), (jus' stick around, yeah-eah-eah-eah)
just a little whi --- le (similie), (don't let me down, oh - oh - oh - oh)

verse:
wait here for me, (punch riff A)
everything is loss, it's a sweet defeat yeah [stay!],

here with me ... (punch riff A)
cause i have seen too many repea --- ts, (hold 'e' over chorus)

chorus:
all of your regrets, melt me inside. (I'm a candle)
everybody hurts, maybe just a little while.

CHORUS TAGS (extension) : (backup and harmony vocals)

jus' a little whi --- le (hold 'i'), (jus' stick around, yeah-eah-eah-eah)
just a little whi --- le (similie), (don't let me down, oh - oh - oh - oh)

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK : (languid solo instrument, strat solo bending and wailing up over the rythm riffs)

REFRAIN OUTRO : (reuse variant of chorus melodic material):
So I'm all alone (hold 'o') ... (punch riff B)
and you've something better now (angry) ?
coming back to me (hold 'e') ... (punch riff B)
It wouldn't matter anyhow ... (staccato with punches)

[repeat this section as outro with chorus tags as fills over punches ... ]

(emo kids faces red, pinched, wet and screetching)

----------------------------------------------------

mrcheesehead :

I have a great melody in mind for this already, I'm going to sing that over a click 'acrappella' ... won't to have a go at a collab ?

Ghost might want to do the arrangment for this, I could sing it ... what 'cha think ?

[mrcheesehead]

haha...wow...didnt think anyone would like these lyrics THIS much...to want to collab with me. Im tryin to keep the whole 'indie' thing goin on...thus recording/mixing everything myself...but i would be interested in some collabing. sounds like a good idea. i like the arangement that you have of this btw. talk to me on either: AIM mrcheesehead or just email me at spootyspootface@yahoo.com, though it might take me a bit to respond cause i dont get much email. thanks!

[mrcheesehead]

haha...wow...didnt think anyone would like these lyrics THIS much...to want to collab with me. Im tryin to keep the whole 'indie' thing goin on...thus recording/mixing everything myself...but i would be interested in some collabing. sounds like a good idea. i like the arangement that you have of this btw. talk to me on either: AIM mrcheesehead or just email me at spootyspootface@yahoo.com, though it might take me a bit to respond cause i dont get much email. thanks!

[studioviols]

I am going to spam all of your communication portals with the following message :


I AM ON AIM as studioviols

[studioviols]

As I post this, I am in AOL Instant Messenger with MrCheeseHead and a collaboration is being born <sniff>

Here's my second re-write of his lyric draft.

TITLE SUGGESTION : 'A Little While'

VERSE 1 :
Wait for me here ... (punch riff A)
My shattered hopes and addictions [Stay!]

with me here ... (punch riff A)
cold skin and bones - contradictions.

CHORUS 1 :
----------------------------------------------------------------------
All of your regrets melt me inside - I'm a candle
e-vry-bo-dy hurts ... for a little while.

CHORUS TAGS (extension) : (backup and harmony vocals)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for a little whi --- le (hold 'i'), you c'n hang out here with me yeah
for a little whi --- le (similie), jus' melt me down - suh sweet [Yeah ... ] )

VERSE 2 :
------------------------------------------
Wait for me here ... (punch riff A)
with a loser like me [Stay!],

with me here ... (punch riff A)
could we concentrate just the sweetness, (hold 'e' over chorus)

CHORUS 2 :
----------------------------------------------------------------------
All of your regrets melt me inside - I'm a candle
e-vry-bo-dy hurts ... for a little while.

CHORUS TAGS (extension) : (backup and harmony vocals)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for a little whi --- le (hold 'i'), you c'n hang out here with me yeah
for a little whi --- le (similie), jus' melt me down - I'm so sweet [Now ... ] )

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK : (languid solo instrument, strat solo bending and wailing up over the rythm riffs)

REFRAIN OUTRO : (reuse variant of chorus melodic material):
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm all alone now ... (punch riff B)
and you've something better ?
coming back to now (hold 'e') ... (punch riff B)
It wouldn't really, matter ... (staccato with punches)

[repeat this section as outro with chorus tags as fills over punches ... ]

(emo kids faces red, pinched, wet and screetching)