one more for critique/comments :)

RyanJ

New member
hey guys I really appreciated all the help you gave me on the last one it means alot, so I figured I would ask for opinions on this one too, thanks alot :)

This one is about a friend of mine who was going through alot dealing with depression and such so it has a real mellow feel to it



She sits alone
Inside her home
Feels as though she’s on her own
Although she knows
Its never set in stone
She feels as if its her time to go

And now she knows
That this choice is her own
If only she could turn back time
And step away from all the hurt inside
Maybe just to try and turn the tide

And she cries out
Because love could never save her
And she cries out
Wonders why life has to be so painful
But deep inside she knows why
She sits all alone

Sees her face and looks away
Love no longer inhabits this place
She remembers how that once could taste
A reflection once loved
Now nothing more then a memory of disgust
She turns and walks away

And she cries out
Because love could never save her
And she cries out
Wonders why life has to be so painful
But deep inside she knows why
She sits all alone
 
Very deep and meaninful lyrics, I would love to hear the song with some acoustic guitars, slide guitar etc. :)
 
Seems pretty good to me, and I agree primarily an acoustic instrumentation would suit it (with maybe some "ethereal" effects thrown in--like Buskin and Bateau violin or a Clannad sort of sound.) Good images, reasonable rhyme scheme and meter--not too rigid, which could make it sound contrived. Smooth.

The only line I have a problem with is:

"Now nothing more then a memory of disgust"

And really it's just the word "disgust". Somehow it doesn't feel as flowing an image as the rest of the lines and words. Kinda harsh, by comparison. Can't say what I'd replace it with, can't even describe cohesively why it stands out. It would probably be okay with the music behind it.

Your lyrics, of course, but you asked. Overall it reads really nice.
 
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