Have NO Mercy...

L

lala

New member
OK. Sometimes music, for me, is a way to get out the feelings that I cannot talk about sometimes. Like this one time at band camp... But seriously this is the lyrics of something I wrote to express those impossible to get out feelings. So it may seem a little weak because of the fact that it is framed after something that I saw happen, but still have no mercy. Constructive criticism is encouraged on my part. Thanks honey bunches of oats. La

Cry For Him

(Chorus)
What did he do,
To cause all this pain?
Who do we blame,
For dying tonight?
I'm crying tonight for him.
What can we do,
To take away all this pain,
'Cause he's dying tonight?

(Verse 1)
Looking out the window,
And I can see him there,
A perfect stranger,
But I honestly care,
About him.
Mommy wipe my tears away.
Mommy wipe my tears away.
Mommy wipe my tears away,
As I cry.
(Repeat Chorus)

(Verse 2)
The image of his body,
Inscripted into scripture.
God says we all have to die.
Why? Why? Why?
Mommy hold me tightly.
Mommy hold me tightly.
Mommy hold me tightly,
As I cry for him.
(Repeat Chorus)

Cry for him,
He's dying tonight.



All comments appreciated! Thanks. La
 
the lyrics are pretty good. the main suggestion i could make is to let the listener (or reader at this point) know more. I don't have a clear understanding of what the song is about.
Is it a gospel song about the cruxifition of Christ?
is it a song about someone dying of cancer?
did someone commit suicide?
Is the subject of the song dying inside from some kind of tragety?

Not knowing any of this takes power away from the lyrics.
maybe you could tell more in the 1st verse.
 
your personal feelings aside, I really like it. There are a couple things that struck me odd though.

In the 1st verse youre changing the tense from past "what DID he do" to the present "who DO we blame?".

This same line (actually the 2nd part of it) "who do we blame for dying tonite"...it begs me to wonder who or what died/is dying but its not told.

I love the mommy lines...cool.

the line "inscripted into scripture" seems/sounds like a contradiction...its cumbersome and Im no english major but I dont think its grammatically correct (you can inscribe scriptures, but I dont think you can be inscripted into scriptures) dont have a dict. handy to look it up though so I could be wrong. Either way... it struck me odd.

Overall, I realise from your explanation that its about somebody (dad Im guessing) close to you that has died, but its never defined in the lyrics who it was/is

Everything else is excellent IMO...music?
 
yeah I totally agree and that was what I was afraid of (it being too vague) I guess I am still kind of afraid to talk about it. I guess with time I'll make it better as I can. Thanks.
 
I know that I have always heard that it is bad to change back and forth between tenses, but to me it just sounds right, but how does it really sound? bad?

Yeah like I said above when I write things from actual events and feelings I forget that the reader/listener doesn't know what I know. I'll definitely keep that in mind. The whole "inscripted into scripture" thing, You know kinda what I'm trying to say, right? I'll work on fixing it too.

Thanks for the comments.
I've written some basic music to it although I'm thinking about adding in a second guitar on the chorus part, but I'm not sure yet. There's not really anything on it that's final and I don't have anything of quality recorded yet either, but I'm working on it.

Thanks all for your comments once again.
 
meh...the thing about the tenses. Its something I read, it made sense, now I notice it hehehe...

Ive heard alot of good songs that dont seem to recognize tense so I guess its a writers call. It jumped out at me, mainly because its in the 1st verse I spose...

really I think if you work the songs vagueness out the rest would fit more comfortably...but then I totally understand how you feel about this. If you follow the link in my sig, Ive got a song posted there called "Mother dear", I wrote it with the intent of defining how I felt about someone dying...incredibly cleansing process...course this is 30 years after the fact though hehe

*sings*
...Can I take you back there, Mother dear!
 
actually it is totally weird and ironic how fate works. This is a little off subject, but hey I started this. so anyway. Right now this is helping me work through it all. I won't go into the graphics because no human should have to see the image that is burned into my memory, but the song is about this guy that was a passenger in this car that was speeding on the interstate and when the cop went to pull the car over, it ran off the road and flipped upside down. Now here is where the legendary fate comes in. As the car that I am in passes it, I look over at it and see this guy (total stranger) obviously dead. Now having said all that I hope to fix the vagueness.

about the tenses see i think that since he is dead he is past and since we are alive, we are the present and the future. That would be my argument for keeping the tenses the way they are, but i dont know. Maybe some miraculous thing will happen to me tonight and the greatest writers of all time will talk to me in my dreams and tell me what's best and it won't be plagirism. yeah. craziness. I haven't really thought about this song much today.

Off subject again...... I was watching cartoons this morning for the sake of there being nothing else on and this idea just hit me. SMACK. and I fell of the couch and cried some baby tears then I got my guitar and wrote a 5 lined something. It is truly amazing how fate works. Something else while I am off subject.... depending on what you believe of course....... if God knows what choice you're gonna make because He can see the future, but you don't know what choice you are going to make because you can't see the future, do you really have the right of choice?

Anyway, I'll go check out your song. Lauren
 
maybe you could say just what happened in the 1st couple of lines.

"I watched the car fly off the road,
I had no idea what would unfold,
i got closer and as I felt my pulse rise,
I saw the life flee from a mans dying eyes.
(or words to that effect)

(then come in with...)

what did he do to cause all this pain....and so on


with that you will capture your audiance and they will want to know the rest of the story....instead of trying to figure out what the song is talking about. Nowdays people have short attention spans and when a song takes alot of thinking they lose interest....but they will listen to a story everytime.

st my 2 cents
 
With reagard to the lyric, i think its OK as a song lyric, it doesn't have to stand alone as poetry or anything, would all depend on how it fits to music.

With regard to this...
"if God knows what choice you're gonna make because He can see the future, but you don't know what choice you are going to make because you can't see the future, do you really have the right of choice"
- Good, these are the type of questions I (as an atheist) have been asking believers for years. Another one is, why does God create sentient beings which are predestined to suffer (ie a child born into poverty and starvation). Doesn't he(or she) care? What is the purpose of creating beings capable of 'evil' You know, questions of that sort.

They never have a suitable answer, other than the usual '...well, in the end it comes down to faith" and that is their bottom line. So by that logic, if I maintain there are fairies at the bottom of my garden and I belive it hard enough then they must be there.

But yeh, keep asking yourself why that guy dies on the road that day. In my view there was no 'purpose' to it, life is a series of random events, like ripples on the surface of a a pool. Some things are more prone to happen due to DNA and where you live etc, but on the whole random and that's it. We jsut have to learn to accept that's the way it is and stop wasting time with religion - really don't meant to be offensive to anyone, just my view. I support the right of people to hold religious views if they wish, but think they'd be better off without (like I support the right of people to smoke, but think they'd be better off if they didn't).
 
ok this is it.... This is what I have come up with. There is still plenty of room for change.

Cry For Him

Looking through his lifeless eyes
Could question anyone's faith
Speed is the ultimate life
But this night it was deadly
CHORUS
What did he do
To cause all this pain
Who do we blame
For dying tonight
I'm crying tonight for him
What can we do to take away all this pain
'Cause he's dying tonight.

Surronded by the black night
I can see his light begin to shine
Overtaking me with it's beauty
Tears swell in my eyes
Mommy wipe my tears away (3x)
As I cry
REPEAT CHORUS

The image of his body
Burned into my memory
An everlasting impression
Screaming to the whole world
How life goes
Mommy hold me tightly (3x)
As I cry for him.
REPEAT CHORUS

Cry for him.
He's dying tonight.

Comments appreciated thanks.
 
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