Any thoughts on this song i just wrote? "I Know what you Need"

JordanD

JordanD

New member
its a song about a beautiful girl who has it all, all she thinks she needs(drugs, clothes, entertainment), but her life is empty because she never looked deeper inside herself, and never does anything real.

with eyes so emerald blue
how did you lose your crown
how could you
let everybody down

with skies so hazy purple
how are you not satisfied
what should you do
things never seem right

you've got it all
and you've had your share
but then you call
and its too much to bare

the one thing you need
is the thing you breathe
but you never pay it mind
nothing is behind those eyes

with hair so long and sweet
why do you have nothing
but of everything you keep
you have one thing to bring

with clothes so smooth and shiny
and jewels and rings of gold
you get to fly nightly
but for how much could your dreams be sold

the one thing you need
is the one thing you can keep
but you never pay it mind
because its not easy to find
 
I've seen a few of your lyrics around the place before, and you have a pretty good way with words.

This set of lyrics is not too bad, but it does remind me a bit of Donovan's song. I can't remember the title, but it also uses colours of body parts.

There is some awkwardness with the lyrics, for example, "and it's too much to bare [sic]" seems contrived to fit the rhyme of "share". "You never pay it mind" is also a difficult phrase. The song would flow better and sound more genuine if you can keep the lyrics to as close as how you would say it in speech.

I'm not sure about "hair so long and sweet". Here again, "sweet" is not quite the right word to use with "hair". I can just about live with clothes being "smooth and shiney", but again, I think there are better choices of words available to you.

I get the impression that this is a quick draft, so keep at it.
 
hi gecko. mhm, her hair smelled like cinnamon and street. :)

i just recorded the song of those lyrics

I Know what you need DOmp3versionNE.mp3 - 3.13MB

there it is for anyone interested!

and gecko, thank you for your thoughts; you are wise. they are all technically dead-on and perfect points, you know your stuff! and i look foward to seeing your ear candy!
 
JordanD said:
the one thing you need
is the thing you breathe
but you never pay it mind
nothing is behind those eyes
Click to expand...

I would like to see this repeated as a chorus rather than written differently at the end. Unlike the gecko, I am rather fond of "but you never pay it mind". It is just different enough to make it catchy to my ear. "Nothing is behind those eyes" reads a little herky jerky to me but could easily be written differently. I like songs with a definate hook and this chorus could be right on the money for that. Good luck on the rewrite. Post something when you have it to music..
 
I listened to your track, and there is a quirky originality about it that might appeal to a niche listenership.

However, it is not to my taste. There are aspects of the recording that I am not keen on. For example, the left-right separation is too severe, and you have to be aurally schizophrenic to be able to concentrate on the different things happening in left and right ears. This may be intentional, but I expect it would turn off more listeners than it would turn on.

The melody line is a vague, almost tuneless, wailing kind of thing, and, by being submersed in the mix, loses vocal clarity and robs the song of its meaning and intensity.

While the track is sonically intriguing, the excitement that you might otherwise expect is diminished by the overall droning quality of it, and I'm sorry to say that my attention wandered and I couldn't get to the end.

If you want to do what you do and you don't really care about what others think, then it is fine. I wish you luck. But if you want to gain acceptance from a broader audience, then you have a fair bit of work ahead of you.

The challenge will be to harness that originality and create something with (in my view) more musicality and broader appeal without compromising your own musical ideals. And I suspect it is going to be a major challenge.
 
JordanD said:
with eyes so emerald blue
how did you lose your crown
how could you
let everybody down

with skies so hazy purple
how are you not satisfied
what should you do
things never seem right
Click to expand...

Emerald blue...not sure about that...I think of emeralds being GREEN, not blue.
and I'm not sure what the womabn having pretty eyes has to do with her "loosing her crown" or the skies being purple has to do with her not being satified with her actions.

JordanD said:
you've got it all
and you've had your share
but then you call
and its too much to bare

the one thing you need
is the thing you breathe
but you never pay it mind
nothing is behind those eyes
Click to expand...

Those are okay, I like the first stanza better, tho.

JordanD said:
with hair so long and sweet
why do you have nothing
but of everything you keep
you have one thing to bring

with clothes so smooth and shiny
and jewels and rings of gold
you get to fly nightly
but for how much could your dreams be sold
Click to expand...

I too have trouble with the concept of "sweet" hair. "smooth and shiny" clothes are also kinda strange. I'd expect something that conveys "elegance" more than just non-wrinkled and glittery.

JordanD said:
the one thing you need
is the one thing you can keep
but you never pay it mind
because its not easy to find
Click to expand...

With the repetition of "The one thing you need", I would expect THAT to be the name of the song rather than "I know what you need"...or you could re-use that "nothing behind those eyes" in the last chorus as well and name the song "Behind those eyes"...

But what do I know, I haven't recorded a song yet...just my opinion, and you know what they say...everyone has one, but mine are all great. :D
 
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