Could you review my lyrics

steffeeH

steffeeH

New member
I'm currently working on a track with a featured artist, and I'm writing the lyrics and laying out the melody.
Anyway, since my native langueage isn't english, I feel unsure if my lyrics gives the right info of the story in it, or is completely confusing.
So it would be great if those with good english could check it.

Here it is, and enjoy the corny vocalisings :D :
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You are the right one in my mind,
But I can't stop to think of
Huuuuuu-uuuuuuuhh
How you just waste your time
You drown your own life, that's your crime
I'm ta-king
Uuuuuuuuuh
I'm ta-king nooooootes
Nooooo-tes oooof y-ouuuu
Huuuuuuu-uuuuuuuu-aaaaa-aaaaaaa
Haaaaaaaa
Noooooooootes
Nooooootes ooooooof yoouuuu
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you no-tice me
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you no-tice me
Lay lay your, lay lay your, lay your hands on me
Why won't you notice me
(verse 2, haven't been written yet)
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You waste your time by fai-ling me
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You kill your time by avoiding me

I feel the main issue is the "taking notes"-thing.
The story behind is about person A checking out person B (let's say a girl and a boy), but the girl thinks the boy just wastes his time by not noticing her.
By "taking notes", I mean she is pretty much studying him and checking in how he reacts, especially to her being clearly interested in him.
Though technically it could also mean that she's taking notes = writing something down, and of course that's not the story.
But how do people react to the lyrics? Do they believe there's a girl writing something down (which isn't the correct story), or do they get the right idea that a girl is checking out a boy?

Thanks.
 
I can't tell what some of the huuuuuuuuuu bits are supposed to say. Anyway, the metaphor is clear. I don't think anyone would take it literally.
 
A quick word of advice ¬>try not to write lyrics down as they are vocalized, write them down as they are written. You'll annoy some people and many will instantly switch off when they see "noooooootes" or "huuuuuuuuuhhhhh" or things like that. Also, if you want people to critique your lyrics, you have to make it as easy for them as possible. Few people here know you and making it hard to work out what you're saying is just going to cause people to say "pass."
steffeeH said:
Been taking notes of you tonight,
You are the right one in my mind,
Click to expand...
The first line could be taken literally but otherwise, it's a nice metaphor. The second line is good ~ it's actually rather disturbing because the girl has decided on the guy in her mind. Obviously he doesn't feel the same way. This could be a song about a homicidal stalker ! Or at least, the beginnings of one.
steffeeH said:
But I can't stop to think of
How you just waste your time
You drown your own life, that's your crime
Click to expand...
This would be a more acceptable line if I heard it with the music. Music often covers for a lot of lyrics that aren't very good or that don't tell you much, even though they appear to say lots.
How does the guy "drown" his own life ? Why is it a crime ?

steffeeH said:
I'm taking notes of you
Notes of you
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you notice me
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you notice me
Lay lay your, lay lay your, lay your hands on me
Why won't you notice me
Click to expand...
That's a bit of a jump ! "Why won't you notice me ?" to "Lay your hands on me."
I wouldn't want that girl to notice me !!
She sounds unbalanced in her head.

steffeeH said:
Been taking notes of you tonight,
You waste your time by failing me
Been taking notes of you tonight,
You kill your time by avoiding me
Click to expand...
Because the emphasis is on what's going on in the girl's mind, the lyric makes her sound really dangerous. The guy is obviously unaware that he's doing anything wrong or anything that could be seen as a waste of time or failure or even avoidance of the girl.
If the song is actually meant to be about a girl {or anyone, for that matter, but you did say a girl checking out a boy} that's a little strange or obsessive, then it's a really good lyric !

I should add though, that lyrics on their own very rarely move me {The last one that did was more than 25 years ago called "Acid, pot or pills" by Horace Silver}. I generally need to hear them in the context of the music. Poetry or words on a page are like leaves on a tree to me. They're there and I can see them but I don't consciously note them.
 
Thank you for your inputs, a lot of great views here!
I've realized it was probably a poor theme for the lyrics.
Not only that it sounds cheap, but it's very unpractical or how I should put it; very easy to be misunderstood as I've noticed (I posted on other forums as well).
So I created another version of the lyrics with a new theme and new lyrics. This new theme has nothing to do with the previous girl/boy-thing.

The theme is about the problem with people who have a huge passion for something, but other people don't understand it and consider it as a waste of time and want the passionate ones to do something with their lives.
I would say that the strength of this new theme is that a lot of people hopefully may get moved by it since they maybe recognize themselves.

(Soundcloud link further down)

This is the lyrics and singingmelody of the leadsinger:

We are the ones who can't deny [that] we have only one thing on our minds
But some can't stop to think of how we just waste our time
[That] We drown our own lives, that's our crime
They're taking

They're taking notes
Notes on us
Notes
Notes on us

Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you understand (x2)
Please give us, please give us, please give us one last chance
Why can't you understand, no

Please
Give
Please give us one last chance
Chance

We are the ones who can't deny [that] we have only one thing on our minds
We are the ones who can't deny
They think we waste our precious time

Here you have the track, the vocals start about 1 min in:
https://soundcloud.com/steve-hilo/notes-with-piano-temporary

The singing melody is presented as a fake piano sound panned to the left, you won't miss it. I've tried to represent the pitch as correctly as possible. That short blips in the first verse are quick falsettos.

The track itself isn't fully completed yet, so I would guess it's a bit unbalanced etc. I just made some quick limiting on it as well so the finished product won't sound that squashed :D

I'm not sure, but I think I'll edit the 2nd chorus.
 
If you changed the end of the second line to waste their time, it almost becomes an anti-abortion song...their own lives are their crime. The clinical (taking notes) approach, please give us one last chance...but as to what you're looking for:
The imagery is great. The sound clip has this kinda dance techno vibe that really works for the song being about a duo rather than a single. Works much better this way.
 
When writing lyrics you have to think of the rhythm of the lines, too, not just the content.

I'd suggest you take a songwriting class like the Coursera Berklee Songwriting one I just finished up. I think the next one starts in October - it's free! It'll teach you a lot about stable/unstable writing - line lengths, rhymes, lyrical rhythm, and related things. You need to be able to record your songs for a few assignments, but don't need to be a musician or even a singer.
 
mjbphotos said:
When writing lyrics you have to think of the rhythm of the lines, too, not just the content.

I'd suggest you take a songwriting class like the Coursera Berklee Songwriting one I just finished up. I think the next one starts in October - it's free! It'll teach you a lot about stable/unstable writing - line lengths, rhymes, lyrical rhythm, and related things. You need to be able to record your songs for a few assignments, but don't need to be a musician or even a singer.
Click to expand...

And don't take Mike's suggestion as being harsh or critical. Everyone needs this and I'm glad to see that posted, because I'll be there in October.
 
BroKen_H said:
And don't take Mike's suggestion as being harsh or critical. Everyone needs this and I'm glad to see that posted, because I'll be there in October.
Click to expand...

I've been writing songs for over 40 years, and still learned a thing or two from this class! No doubt there are a lot of first-time songwriters taking the class as well, so some of the material seems to drag on, but it was well worth the time I invested in it - 3-4 hours per week the first 3 weeks, 8-10 hours per week for the final 3 weeks.
 
Interesting, I'll probably give it a go in October if I still remember it. :)
But that's still far away, you don't know any good lyric songwriting tutorials by pros on for example YouTube?

Also, any further thoughts on the lyrics?
 
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