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S

StoneJack

Member
Please, gove your feedback on this song about recurring memories of young love (please keep in mind that I am not a singer and not a native English speaker)

Lyrics

Temporary heroes

turn back the clock again
turn back the clock again and again,
to find whats’ been lost on the way
to paradise and hell,
what you and I had felt and said,
and what we loved and dreamed of
what made us cry and laugh,
and fall in gloom and love

Subverse
The clock has stopped and the time returned
But charm had gone and memories seem lost
But deep in heart they still remain
And come back again and again


Chorus
temporary heroes went away
temporary dreams faded grey
but your love comes back to me sweet again
to remind past pain in a blissful vain but only in dreams only in dreams

Verse 2
It all returns in dreams
good deeds, forgotten sins,
I found whats’ been lost on the way
to paradise and hell,
what you and I have felt and said,
and what we loved and dreamed of
what made us cry and laugh,
and fall in gloom and love,

From what I felt and what I saw
The charm has gone but memories don't go
And deep in heart they still remain
And come back again and again


Chorus

Bridge
And I am happy
cause the dream looks so real
But I wonder
If the love itself was real...still..

Chorus

https://soundcloud.com/jade-stone-6/temporary-heroes

Sorry, can't manage to embed it from soundcloud. Any feedback and critisism is welcome. I am not a singer so the singing is awful, of course, but I'd appreciate more on lyrics and melody. Also, the lyrics slightly differ from the recording (I will change the recording later).
 
You need to fix the link.

I like the conflict in the verses between cry and laugh, gloom and love, deeds and sins, paradise and hell. The lyrics sound like they're written to a lost love. very powerful. Those conflicts add to the vibe. Do you mean "blissful vein" or "blissful vanity" in the chorus? Vain is not grammatically correct there.

Let's hear what it sounds like
 
I think I fixed the link (still can't embed in the post though). Greatly appreciate the feedback on lyrics and grammar!
 
Oops, missed the first line in your OP. But still, sounds like the song is written to a lover who died...
 
Catchy tune. Needs polish. Not real fond of the guitar tones in general except the solo sounded vaguely Dire Straits-ish tone-wise.
Your voice is fine, but needs more definition (mixing--subtractive EQ). Also, push a little harder on the bottom notes and get that Billy Idol tone you've got going to work for you. You need a little work on the diaphragm and force techniques. (Not saying you should push vocals, find the techniques to put more chest/gut in your bottom end, and you'll be amazed at how good your voice could sound.)
I know this isn't MP3 clinic or voice clinic, so I'll leave those problems alone other than those few things.
Like I said before, your lyrics are good. Some movement into some higher harmonies in a few of the really low places would help the tune. I like the chord and song structure. Keep it up.
 
I received such a great feedback that I am tempted to ask for another review. Instead of polluting the place with multiple threads, I'd put it here.

Against it all (lyrics are by another author).

https://soundcloud.com/jade-stone-6/against-it-all

Verse
In the heat of the night

I call your name
But you’re not here

I call in vain

In the heat of the heart
You are the flame
Burning brightly

I feel the pain

Subverse
There was once a time
When you and I
Burnt like fire
Across the sky

But I’m alone
And you have gone
Days are short
Nights are long

Chorus
And when the sun
Hung in the sky
And life was good
You didn’t lie
You held my life
I heard your call
You stood by me
Against it all.

Verse 2.
When I was lost
You always found
The me I was
The solid ground
You gave to me
You stood me tall
You stood by me
Against it all.

Subverse2
Through long cold days
And lonely nights
You held my hand
You held me tight
When I was beat
When I would fall
You stood by me
Against it all.

Chorus
And now the sun
Slips down the hill
But you are here
You are with me still
I’m wrapped around
By your love’s shawl
You stand by me
Against it all.

Bridge
Through long cold days
And lonely nights
You held my hand
You held me tight
When I was beat
When I would fall
You stood by me
Against it all.

Chorus
And now the sun
Slips down the hill
But you are here
You are with me still
I’m wrapped around
By your love’s shawl
You stand by me
Against it all.
 
Last edited:
i agree with broken about the vox...sounds like youre purposely trying to sing quietly, like someone who's trying to track but not wanting to wake people up. To me, the vocals are good, but again, need to be more forceful and not so quiet sounding.
 
thanks a lot, lol, thats true. I record at home at night, and don't want to wake up people. But please could you give your feedback about the melody, song, its structure, does it relate to you, does it convey the message as you think?
 
RE: your second lyrics set (It's early here and I can't listen till probably tomorrow) This sounds like a song written to God in thanks for saving and keeping you through your life. But, without naming Him or recognizing Him in some way in the beginning of the song, the first few lines of the first chorus sound odd. Even if you saved it as a surprise for the end of the song, it might work.
Also "You call your name" ??? Should this be "I call Your name" ?? and the line that says "By Your love's shawl"
OTOH, if this is about having a great father or mother, that's another story completely. Or a great friend that saved your life/knew all your dark secrets/whatever. But there should be some kind of naming or identifying going on somewhere in the song.
 
BroKen_H,
you are correct, that's a typo.
The song is about a girl which was a friend and a lover, but no longer around. Lyrics are written by other author, only music is mine.
I will however, try to find a way around that ambiguity you mentioned.
Sorry for the typo and looking towards your review of the song!
 
I really like the song. The performance is fairly solid with a couple exceptions where the guitar got a bit out of time. I do like the clean strat sound.
Your mix has a very long way to go. You really need to record at a time when you aren't pulling you voice back. The bass is too weak and I'm not fond of the tone. The song deserves real drums. A solo (even four bars) would be very nice somewhere in there (possibly at the end instead of the abrupt fade). And I still think identifying is necessary to the song, even if you just speak "Miss you (insert name or identifier here: Sally, Honey, whatever)" at the end.
 
BroKen_H,
thanks a lot for the advice and opinion! I will try to improve the song. The points raised all are on spot, I see the weaknesses. As for mix, thats' a mystery to me, I leave it to computer to make it somehow :) but I got the point.
 
BroKen_H,
I updated the recording, redid the drums, bass, added some guitar solo (mind you, very primitive).
I like it that way much more! Thanks again for great advice!

 
Great advice, thanks!
If you give such great advice, I will be tempted to pollute the electronic space of the thread by yet another creation of mine, so please don't tempt me :)
As for mixing, I am hopeless, I don't even understand probably what you mean :)
 
No one is hopeless. Simple steps:
You need to have a good performance. Even if it takes many takes to get it in, you can piece a few together to get the best one.
You need to record good tones. If the tone you get into the DAW is not the tone you want, try again.
You need to have a balance. Make sure the levels of each instrument are close to where they need to be so you hear everything.
You need to direct the sound flow. At the points where the vocals are dominant, they should be forefront. When you want someone to hear a nice bass riff, make it come forward. When the guitar solo hits, make sure it is clear and uncluttered by other instruments in the same frequency ranges.
It all takes time, practice and a want to learn. If you read a lot of the stickies on this board, you will have a firm grasp of how to: Then apply your knowledge! :D
A good place to start is Coursera's Introduction To Music Production from Loudon Stearns. Pretty good course. Gives you the fundamentals.
 
BroKen_H,
thanks a lot for this great info. I understand what you mean. I am not sure if I can do it because all I got it is Garageband, but as I understand mixing is a real science and needs serious learning. I will read the stickies!
And again, heartfelt thanks for your time and advice!
 
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