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Thread: Thoughts on my lyrics?

  1. #1
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    Thoughts on my lyrics?

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    Hey everyone, I've been a member on these forums for two years but have mostly just absorbed all you have to say until recently. I've got a handful of songs written and I was hoping I could get some feedback on the lyrics (what I think is my weakest link). The genre and feel of my songs is psychedelic and a little dark. Think The End by the doors. I appreciate any feedback!

    Song 1: 'Train of Thieves'

    Robbin' on a Train of Thieves,
    Blood-stained hands and flames from his feet
    Walkin' down that rail cart aisle,
    Turns to a thief and with a devilish smile (he says)

    I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
    Cus there's always more but there's never enough

    Reaches for his holster and grabs that gun,
    Crack of a hammer and a flash of the sun,

    Fired three shots at three who stopped him,
    On his way out of the out door

    Dyin' on a Train of Thieves,
    Prays to a god she never knew and bleeds
    Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
    He takes their souls and then he sings

    From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
    They call me greed because they know me well (know me well)

    She can't drop it so she hopped out,
    With her master out the out door

    Ridin' on a Train of Thieves,
    We've all got the greed disease
    _________________________

    Song 2: 'I Am'

    I'm sorrow and I'm hate,
    Let me invade your brain
    I'm regret in the chamber of a gun,
    Restin' in the head of some other son

    I'm anything in extremes,
    Yeah, the real enemy
    I'm the blood of your last mistake
    And the rain will never wash me away

    I'm just a notion, emotion, in your mind
    I'm just a belief, deceit, I divide

    I'm faith and I'm war,
    Like a never-healing scar
    I'm the fear on your TV screen,
    Keepin' you from them and keepin' you for me

    I'm just a notion, emotion, in your mind
    I'm just a belief, deceit, I divide
    __________________________

    Hope you guys dig them but I'm also interested in hearing what bothers you or what you think could be improved. The second song is intentionally a little repetitive. It will be a kind of droney atmospheric song where the instruments advance the song more than the vocals/lyrics. Thanks for reading!

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    My suggestion would be to post the songs at the Mp3 Clinic. It's hard to judge lyrics outside the context of the song.

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    Robus,

    Thanks I will do that. I'm still tracking one of them right now so when I get a rough mix put together, I'll repost there. I see how it would be difficult to judge lyrics if you can't imagine what they're set to or how they're sung. Thanks for the input!

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    You're doing fine. Keep on writing.

    Don't get stuck in a style.

    Most important for every song you write (and it looks like you already instinctively know this): Know the plot and characters of every song. You don't have to have it all in the song, but you do have to have it all in your head.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Robus View Post
    My suggestion would be to post the songs at the Mp3 Clinic. It's hard to judge lyrics outside the context of the song.
    I haven't found that.

    Bad lyrics = bad song. Music is much more fluid and just needs to fit the style of the singer. There's not much you can do with a bad string of words.

    In some of the great songwriting teams, the lyricist just handed a page of words to the musician, who coughed up chords and a melody. Think George and Ira.

    What would George Harrison do with Kristian's words? What would Eddie Vedder do? Garcia? Hendrix? Joan Baez? Aretha? Dylan? When the words work, the sky's not the limit. There is no limit.

    Having said that, please keep in mind that I've never actually sold a song and probably have no idea what I'm talking about. And it's always fun to hear an mp3, so wotthehell.
    Last edited by Delmont; 4 Weeks Ago at 13:15.

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    Thanks Delmont, some good advice here! I definitely agree on knowing the plot of what you're writing even if the song doesn't lay it all out. I definitely feel the same way about bad lyrics equating to a bad song and I think that was primarily my reason for posting. Of course a song with great lyrics can still be bad if delivered poorly but I'm more confident on my musical ability than my lyrical ability for sure. Thank you for the input!

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    I like these lyrics. I see depth in the meaning or metaphors. Something I have trouble with, I always seem to write about everyday things. One thing I did find odd was the "I Am" song doesn't have "I am..." in the lyrics but "I'm" instead. Is that on purpose, to fit better with the music?
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    Thanks @musicturtle

    I have just the opposite problem, I feel like I struggle to write about more tangible things without being cliche so I kind of resort to storyish or metaphorical lyrics. And honestly I was thinking the same thing about the "I am" song. "I'm" definitely works with the music better but I felt that it didn't work so good as a title. I think "I Am" is sort of a placeholder too unless I can't think of something better. When I'm working on songs and still in the process of coming up with the music or lyrics I'll usually have a scratch project saved in my DAW with name that describes what the song is if I haven't come up with a title yet. And so it became "I Am" by default I guess.

    Thank you for taking the time to read them!

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    Train.

    Hi, Krystian.
    You have some great imagery in your lyrics, and some lines that are rocket strong. You also have some lines feel forced (flames from his feet feels like you just needed the rhyme.)
    Your rhyme scheme stops with the word "door" in Train. There is no rhyme, and that messes up the flow of the lyric.


    I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
    Cus there's always more but there's never enough
    <<<Chorus! You don't have one as written, but you have these lines, and these:

    From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
    They call me greed because they know me well (know me well)<<<<add to your chorus

    Flip them, combine, chorus!


    From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
    They call me greed because they know me well
    I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
    Cus there's always more but there's never enough

    The next strongest lines are:
    Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
    He takes their souls and then he sings

    That's a pre-chorus. It leads into the actual lines he sings::

    Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
    He takes their souls and then he sings

    From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
    They call me greed because they know me well
    I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
    Cus there's always more but there's never enough.


    There was about a chapter worth of other input on the lyric, structure, rhyme scheme and focus of your song, but the forum logged me off and ate it. This part, it saved for some reason.

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    @savialeigh

    This is extremely helpful feedback. I've got to say, I really like your idea for making those the chorus. I'm gonna play around with the guitar today and try some arrangements with that as a chorus and the aforementioned prechorus. Definitely agree about the weaker lines too, I'll take a look at them and see if I can come up with something stronger. This has definitely made me excited to work on this song again because there have always been some parts that just don't work. Greatly appreciate you taking the time to read them and write some suggestions. Would have loved to see what else you had to say before the forum dragged it into the void haha.

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