Thoughts on my lyrics?

KrystianL

New member
Hey everyone, I've been a member on these forums for two years but have mostly just absorbed all you have to say until recently. I've got a handful of songs written and I was hoping I could get some feedback on the lyrics (what I think is my weakest link). The genre and feel of my songs is psychedelic and a little dark. Think The End by the doors. I appreciate any feedback!

Song 1: 'Train of Thieves'

Robbin' on a Train of Thieves,
Blood-stained hands and flames from his feet
Walkin' down that rail cart aisle,
Turns to a thief and with a devilish smile (he says)

I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
Cus there's always more but there's never enough

Reaches for his holster and grabs that gun,
Crack of a hammer and a flash of the sun,

Fired three shots at three who stopped him,
On his way out of the out door

Dyin' on a Train of Thieves,
Prays to a god she never knew and bleeds
Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
He takes their souls and then he sings

From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
They call me greed because they know me well (know me well)

She can't drop it so she hopped out,
With her master out the out door

Ridin' on a Train of Thieves,
We've all got the greed disease
_________________________

Song 2: 'I Am'

I'm sorrow and I'm hate,
Let me invade your brain
I'm regret in the chamber of a gun,
Restin' in the head of some other son

I'm anything in extremes,
Yeah, the real enemy
I'm the blood of your last mistake
And the rain will never wash me away

I'm just a notion, emotion, in your mind
I'm just a belief, deceit, I divide

I'm faith and I'm war,
Like a never-healing scar
I'm the fear on your TV screen,
Keepin' you from them and keepin' you for me

I'm just a notion, emotion, in your mind
I'm just a belief, deceit, I divide
__________________________

Hope you guys dig them but I'm also interested in hearing what bothers you or what you think could be improved. The second song is intentionally a little repetitive. It will be a kind of droney atmospheric song where the instruments advance the song more than the vocals/lyrics. Thanks for reading!
 
My suggestion would be to post the songs at the Mp3 Clinic. It's hard to judge lyrics outside the context of the song.
 
Robus,

Thanks I will do that. I'm still tracking one of them right now so when I get a rough mix put together, I'll repost there. I see how it would be difficult to judge lyrics if you can't imagine what they're set to or how they're sung. Thanks for the input!
 
You're doing fine. Keep on writing.

Don't get stuck in a style.

Most important for every song you write (and it looks like you already instinctively know this): Know the plot and characters of every song. You don't have to have it all in the song, but you do have to have it all in your head.
 
My suggestion would be to post the songs at the Mp3 Clinic. It's hard to judge lyrics outside the context of the song.

I haven't found that.

Bad lyrics = bad song. Music is much more fluid and just needs to fit the style of the singer. There's not much you can do with a bad string of words.

In some of the great songwriting teams, the lyricist just handed a page of words to the musician, who coughed up chords and a melody. Think George and Ira.

What would George Harrison do with Kristian's words? What would Eddie Vedder do? Garcia? Hendrix? Joan Baez? Aretha? Dylan? When the words work, the sky's not the limit. There is no limit.

Having said that, please keep in mind that I've never actually sold a song and probably have no idea what I'm talking about. And it's always fun to hear an mp3, so wotthehell.
 
Last edited:
Thanks Delmont, some good advice here! I definitely agree on knowing the plot of what you're writing even if the song doesn't lay it all out. I definitely feel the same way about bad lyrics equating to a bad song and I think that was primarily my reason for posting. Of course a song with great lyrics can still be bad if delivered poorly but I'm more confident on my musical ability than my lyrical ability for sure. Thank you for the input!
 
I like these lyrics. I see depth in the meaning or metaphors. Something I have trouble with, I always seem to write about everyday things. One thing I did find odd was the "I Am" song doesn't have "I am..." in the lyrics but "I'm" instead. Is that on purpose, to fit better with the music?
 
Thanks [MENTION=192108]musicturtle[/MENTION]

I have just the opposite problem, I feel like I struggle to write about more tangible things without being cliche so I kind of resort to storyish or metaphorical lyrics. And honestly I was thinking the same thing about the "I am" song. "I'm" definitely works with the music better but I felt that it didn't work so good as a title. I think "I Am" is sort of a placeholder too unless I can't think of something better. When I'm working on songs and still in the process of coming up with the music or lyrics I'll usually have a scratch project saved in my DAW with name that describes what the song is if I haven't come up with a title yet. And so it became "I Am" by default I guess.

Thank you for taking the time to read them!
 
Train.

Hi, Krystian.
You have some great imagery in your lyrics, and some lines that are rocket strong. You also have some lines feel forced (flames from his feet feels like you just needed the rhyme.)
Your rhyme scheme stops with the word "door" in Train. There is no rhyme, and that messes up the flow of the lyric.


I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
Cus there's always more but there's never enough
<<<Chorus! You don't have one as written, but you have these lines, and these:

From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
They call me greed because they know me well (know me well)<<<<add to your chorus

Flip them, combine, chorus!


From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
They call me greed because they know me well
I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
Cus there's always more but there's never enough

The next strongest lines are:
Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
He takes their souls and then he sings

That's a pre-chorus. It leads into the actual lines he sings::

Fools lust for gold and diamond rings,
He takes their souls and then he sings

From Babylon to the Gates of Hell,
They call me greed because they know me well
I'll cut you down if you won't give it up,
Cus there's always more but there's never enough.


There was about a chapter worth of other input on the lyric, structure, rhyme scheme and focus of your song, but the forum logged me off and ate it. This part, it saved for some reason.
 
[MENTION=197862]savialeigh[/MENTION]

This is extremely helpful feedback. I've got to say, I really like your idea for making those the chorus. I'm gonna play around with the guitar today and try some arrangements with that as a chorus and the aforementioned prechorus. Definitely agree about the weaker lines too, I'll take a look at them and see if I can come up with something stronger. This has definitely made me excited to work on this song again because there have always been some parts that just don't work. Greatly appreciate you taking the time to read them and write some suggestions. Would have loved to see what else you had to say before the forum dragged it into the void haha.
 
I think your lyrics are good. I really like the lyrics to 'I Am". The question is, how do the lyrics interact with the music? To me, that is what a song is, otherwise it is a poem. It's great if lyrics can stand alone and be read as a poem, but there are plenty of great songs with lyrics that look dumb if you just read them. There are also many songs that became hits that no one really understands except the songwriter. In terms of creating a song that other people like (I assume that is your goal), the actual lyrics aren't as important as the melody and the way the syllables flow IMO. I guess my opinion differs on that from Delmont who posted above that the lyrics are all important. A doo doo doo A da da da, is all I want to say to you ..nuff said
 
I think your lyrics are good. I really like the lyrics to 'I Am". The question is, how do the lyrics interact with the music? To me, that is what a song is, otherwise it is a poem. It's great if lyrics can stand alone and be read as a poem, but there are plenty of great songs with lyrics that look dumb if you just read them.

Like everything by George Harrison (whose songs I love).

There are also many songs that became hits that no one really understands except the songwriter by one of the masters.

Like the Dead's "China Cat Sunflower."


In terms of creating a song that other people like (I assume that is your goal), the actual lyrics aren't as important as the melody and the way the syllables flow IMO.

Exactly!

I guess my opinion differs on that from Delmont who posted above that the lyrics are all important. A doo doo doo A da da da, is all I want to say to you ..nuff said
Yikes! Not what I meant at all! All lyrics are important, but no lyrics are all-important.

"A doo doo doo A da da da" isn't great poetry, but it is great song writing.

Just as you say, a song isn't a tune and it isn't a poem. The sum should be more than the total of tune and words or it's not much of a song.

Otherwise I'd've stuck to poetry. It's certainly a cheaper hobby!

Now excuse me while I go back and see what I said before . . . .
 
Last edited:
Okay, just checked. Look again. I didn't say "Lyrics are all-important." I said: "Bad lyrics = bad song."

They sure do! And I'll add: Bad music = bad song.

And: Good lyrics + good music = good song.

I was commenting on the lyrics because the original post was about lyrics.

Good poems aren't necessarily good lyrics. Good lyrics aren't necessarily good poems. Poems are words that can stand alone. Words and music make a song. A songwriter strives to write a good song. That takes good words, and good music.

Then it's in the performer's court. The performer's job is to bring it to life.
 
I know that this post is pretty old and that you may have moved on from this song, but your lyrics intrigued me and I'd thought I'd add my two cents (it can't hurt, right?)

Oddly enough, I read both sets of lyrics as a single song before I recognized that you had posted two sets of lyrics for two different songs (i.e. I read Train of Thieves and I Am as a single song), and it actually worked out really well. First you have this sort of parable about a train robbery, somewhat obscure but tonally very 'sleazy' and outlawish; then you follow it up with a much more general, vague description about depraved and ugly human emotions, almost like the train robber from the first half becomes a figure representing all of the ugliness of humanity (what I really loved, on my mistaken reading, was the contrast that results between the first half being about a train robbery, and so presumably in the late 1800's or early 1900's, and then the line about being "the fear on your TV screen" in the second half; it makes it seem like the sort of evil emotions and motivations you're talking about in both songs transcend centuries and generations).

Once I read it correctly, I really like the lyrics of both songs, but I have a few questions about the first song, and possibly some things to point out:

i) at first the line "robbin' on a Train of Thieves" stuck out to me as odd; if the protagonist or figure the song refers to is intending to rob people, why would they pick a train full of thieves to rob? But I thought about it a little bit more; I'm guessing that it's a metaphor - someone setting out to do what they can to bolster themselves in an environment where everyone is doing the same thing (a thief on a train of thieves). When the figure is revealed to be called 'greed' it all comes together; 'greed' is what could rob a train full of thieves. I'm just wondering if my line of thought here is accurate, haha.

ii) one thing that is confusing is your use of pronouns:
From lines 1 to 10, the pronoun is 'he' or 'his', as well as for lines 13 and 14 ('he
takes their souls and then he sings'
For lines 11 and 12, and 15 onwards, the pronoun occurring is 'she' or 'her' (e.g.
prays to a god she never knew and bleeds')

The only criticism there is that the different use of pronouns indicating a male and a female character in the song implies that there are two people the song is about (even if they are abstract or metaphorical), which creates a confusion concerning the reference of certain lines; e.g. "They call me greed because they know me well" <-- is this referring to the female referred to by the line "prays to a god she never knew and bleeds", or the male introduced at the beginning of the song?

In any case, that is just a nitpick. If it was intentional, to introduce ambiguity, then I could see that working really well. Just thought I'd point it out.

Great lyrics, I'd love to hear the finished songs!
 
Back
Top