Some lyrics for you to consider...

WhiteStrat

WhiteStrat

Don't stare at the eye.
This doesn't have a standard verse/chorus/bridge structure. It's an acapella (3 part harmony) piece with 3 "movements" if you will. The first 6 lines are an intro (the first movement); the two 4 line stanzas are the body (second movement); and of course the final 6 lines--a reprise of the intro--is the closing.

Thanks for taking the time to check it out.


There are too many words
We’ve never spoken
Things we thought were better left unsaid
But quiet hearts hurt just the same
When they are broken
And silent dying ends up no less dead.

The morning of our day is done
The afternoon will soon be gone
Then the west will call the sun
And our shadows will grow long

In the evening of our day
Will we be warmed by fire still?
Or will we simply look away
And pretend that we don’t feel the chill?

There are so many words
That we have wasted
Like tossing coins with no regard for cost
Though starting new is hard
Once bitter wine’s been tasted
Every day we don’t is another day we’ve lost.
 
These are some very good lyrics. While a rather cliche' story line - you found a few interest plays on words to make it still feel fresh.

Some of my favorite lines are:

"quiet hearts hurt just the same"
"silent dying...no less dead"
"tossing coins...no regard for cost"

Good stuff!!!
 
Wow...you're right. It is chiche. Or at least it reads that way from the outside looking in. It's actually anything but that in real life--but I wrote so obtusely that it ends up looking a bit more like traditional boy/girl love/pain stuff.

Thanks for the thoughts (and the input on the specific phrases).
 
WhiteStrat said:
The morning of our day is done
The afternoon will soon be gone
Then the west will call the sun
And our shadows will grow long

In the evening of our day
Will we be warmed by fire still?
Or will we simply look away
And pretend that we don’t feel the chill?
Click to expand...

Sometimes things become cliche' because everyone actually likes them. These are typical cliches but wonderful and simple also. It isn't easy to understate things and still get your point across AND still impress the listener. I think you have done all three here. Nice work.;)
 
Nicely done.
It's a universal theme that everyone can relate to and you've got some good imagery. I like it ~ wish I'd come up with those lines.
Post a link if you've recorded it :) I guess it's in a minor key;)
 
Frambo--

This is going to be acapella--mostly if not all. Since I'm trying to create a sense of chords moving through the song in just the voices, I'm writing each of the 4 voices' melodies note by note.

That's new for me. Sometimes melody comes first, but usually a chord progression--and no matter which, I don't usually sweat it note for note; it just flows. So this one's taking me a while.

But thanks for the encouragement. I'll post a recording as soon as I have one. And as to key--it actually lives mostly in G major--but I'll bet I'm hearing the same minors you are, and it does dip into the Em and Am a bit.
 
Nice Lyrics. One change to consider:

Will we be warmed by fire still? -> Will the fire warm us still?

In this case I think that active voice sounds more artistic.

Tom
 
Good lyrics, they get the message across with some creative phrases and imagery.

I don't hear too much acapella on the radio. I think the last time I really heard any would be the Nylons.

It will be cool to hear this once you get the arrangement and recording done.

Sounds like a challenge. :cool:
 
Oancient1:

You're dead on there. That's the only line I don't like. I hate to force language to get a rhyme and I think I've done so here. (Though it doesn't sound so forced when sung). The problem is this (and it's nit picky, but that's how I am with words!): In the two thoughts in that stanza, the subject is "we" in each case. Will we be warmed by fire & will we simply look away.

But I love your suggestion for the line. So now I've got to choose: keep my subjects in alignment, or get 'em out of line--and end up with a better line. (Makes sense, right?:o)

ido1957:

I'm not familiar with the Nylons...Three days after I wrote these words, I picked up The Long Road Out of Eden by the Eagles. I was blown away by the first track: No More Walks in the Woods, an almost acapella 3-part harmony, with just a light brush on the acoustic at each line. It's like a 30 year later answer to their own Seven Bridges Road.

Needless to say, that influenced my direction with this number. Now we'll see if I can make the harmonies/vocals compelling enough to make this really fly with no accompaniment. Like you said:

Sounds like a challenge. :cool:
 
When these lyrics are strong they are very strong and I think that is what makes the less successful lines stand out. I don’t have issues with cliques, it is just that some lines simplicity summons up rich images and others are just simplistic.

‘But quiet hearts hurt just the same’, IMHO just does not compare to ‘And silent dying ends up no less dead’– I hate ‘but’ what about something more evocative here like ‘Still voiceless hearts bleed just as deep’

I love stanza one – apart from above, stanza 2 (I don’t think cliqued) – but stanza 3 seems contrived! – Rhyming ‘still’ with ‘chill’ hardly seems worth it in the face of the quality of the rest of the work

‘Like tossing coins with no regard for cost’ is exquisite but they whole ‘bitter wine’ is a metaphoric layer too far and all a bit clumsy for the final image which should be as direct as the rest of the work.

Take these thoughts and dispose of them as you will – some of your lines cut with the elegant simplicity of a scalpel and you clearly have the ability to produce lyrics of this caliber so redraft and make all of the lyrics as vital as the stunning high points mentioned by myself and others.

Your not an adolescent fumbling in the dark on this one so go for it

;)

Sorry I get all hard task master when I smell quality
 
Whatmysay--

If quality brings out the taskmaster in you--I'll take it. And your comments made me think you were there when I wrote it. Every line you called me out on was an afterthought to another line. And the lines you called strong were the ones that either flowed right away, or I really worked on.

In other words, I can't expect them all to flow, but when they don't I need to work harder on them so they sound like they did. I can't settle for filler. I too despise contrived.

I appreciate the push. I used to write a song or two a week in a previous life. Some were a waste of ink, some were better--but I was at least in practice. This was the first lyrical idea that made it to paper in a long time--years even. So I'll take the advice and keep it shaping it!
 
WhiteStrat said:
This doesn't have a standard verse/chorus/bridge structure. It's an acapella (3 part harmony) piece with 3 "movements" if you will. The first 6 lines are an intro (the first movement); the two 4 line stanzas are the body (second movement); and of course the final 6 lines--a reprise of the intro--is the closing.

Thanks for taking the time to check it out.


There are too many words
We’ve never spoken
Things we thought were better left unsaid
But quiet hearts hurt just the same
When they are broken
And silent dying ends up no less dead.

The morning of our day is done
The afternoon will soon be gone
Then the west will call the sun
And our shadows will grow long

In the evening of our day
Will we be warmed by fire still?
Or will we simply look away
And pretend that we don’t feel the chill?

There are so many words
That we have wasted
Like tossing coins with no regard for cost
Though starting new is hard
Once bitter wine’s been tasted
Every day we don’t is another day we’ve lost.
Click to expand...

Very nice work, although there are some meter differences in the written lines. They probably work out in the singing.

I really like the juxtaposition of the "words unspoken and wasted" in the intro and closing.

The last line "every day we don't" feels a bit weak, although the last half is good.

All my opinion, of course, for you to take or leave.
 
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