New Song Sketch - I am going in the right direction?

[rayc]

Hello Folks,
I've had the attached progression growing in my scone for a month or so and finally decided to make an audio sketch to work and build a structure from.
The current structure is dead simple with long 10 bar intro followed by an AB AB AB truncated A outline.
The 1st draft lyrics are below.
This is short, reasonably fast, (for me) and unadorned.
Any thoughts?

Knapsack packed
No oversight
Not for staying
Overnight
Scar crossed lovers
Bloodletting game

Steady recall
Every word
Each a bullet
Hit when heard
Take exception
Taking note

Even footsteps
Steady breath
Feint aroma of
Crystal meth
Tattooed patterns
Each line the same

Steady recall
Every word
Each a bullet
Hit when heard
Take exception
Taking note

Scar crossed lovers
In bedrooms dark
Search reaction
Leaving their mark
Keeping tally
All she wrote

Steady recall
Every word
Each a bullet
Hit when heard
Take exception
Taking note

 

[DM60]

Sounded like it could be a pretty cool little song, without the vocals, hard to really give any feedback.

 

[wjgypsy]

Headed in the right direction, indeed. With the bass line, it reminds me of "Here Comes Your Man" by the Pixies at times, Diggin the drum sound.