New song idea - would appreciate feedback on form

famous beagle

famous beagle

Well-known member
This is a new song idea, but I'm not exactly sure where I should go from here. I'm wondering if this is a song that should have a proper chorus or not. Normally when writing a song, I'll get a verse idea and a chorus idea pretty much in the first sitting. But on this song, a chorus hasn't hit me yet. I do, however, have one more verse written since I recorded this idea.

Anyway, I was just wondering what other people think. Do you hear it with a chorus, or maybe just a song with many verses and maybe some musical interludes at times? Any other ideas?

Thanks!

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/uaup98o10hayb8v/AABJ7wPTQDQec100Z1Vlo6cia?dl=0

Lyrics:
You came alive inside my head
Didn't have a dime to dial out
So you looked around the town
For some place to lie down
You picked up all the broken glass
So you won't forget when you awake
You may be living in a dream
But you'll make no mistake

So the rabbit doesn't move at all
Until he has to cut and run
And the chase is over
Before it's even begun
But the dog he won't give up
His memory has wiped the slate clean
Doesn't know better not to try
For what seems well within his reach
 
It sounds promising to me. You have a good voice and a knack for catchy melodies. It's a common theme in all of your songs that I have heard. If you are going to have three verses, you should have some kind of chorus, bridge or whatnot to break it up. There are exceptions, obviously. But there's a reason why standard forms are so prevalent. I could see this song beginning to drag if went on much longer without some kind of change up. The lyrics of the second verse made more sense to me than the first.
 
Thanks very much for the listen and the comments. Yes I agree it definitely needs something to break it up. I just can't decide if this song wants to do the standard pop form or if I should just go somewhere else with it --- more experimental like "Day in the Life" or something Wilco might do. I'm not against the idea of a chorus; it's just that nothing's hit me over the head yet.

I'm still marinating, but I like what I have so far. :)
 
I didn't listen, I was reading the lyrics to try and get a feel for where it was going. I couldn't draw a bead. Closest I could come up with was "the hunter or the hunted". First verse you are hunting (looking), the second being hunted.

I don't get hung up with choruses except to help clarify my verses. Maybe that is your key, maybe not a tradition chorus, but some line to give the song some since of direction.
 
Can only read them (at work). The first verse is all "you" the second verse is a rabbit/dog story (or analogy) need to somehow combine these. Whether its a chorus or a change in verse lyrics ... Also need to clean up the rhyme scheme - verse 1 first 4 lines are ABCC, the next 4 lines and each set of 4 in verse 2 are ABCB.
 
seriously? A dropbox link? AUUUUUUUUGGGGH!!!! jk. But do try to use something a little easier to access, like SoundCloud, YouTube, or Reverbnation.

But a very nice sound- good lyrics- I like it. I think maybe the 2nd verse should come first. Have a chorus in there. (still thinking about that one.) and then the first (what would then be the second) verse.

Here's just an idea for maybe something that might inspire a chorus for you:

Chorus: So I chase you down.
With all I've got.
Yet it always seems,
Just never enough.
So I run myself
Ragged and dry.
'Til you catch me...
Yeah, you catch me.

I just came up with that on the spot without allotta heavy thought.

I always run wild with my rhyming schemes when writing songs. I never set myself to a pattern. So, I would completely ignore mjbphotos's comment on that. I think it worked out great the way you had it. But then again, I'm no pro. MJB might know better than me.
 
Some people don't rhyme at all. Some people don't give a rat's ass what listeners might think. The average listener, though, expects to hear a regular rhyming pattern. So there's nothing wrong with any method - depends on what you want out of your song.
 
DM60: Thanks for the comments. These lyrics are definitely more abstract and metaphorical, and so the meaning isn't terribly obvious. I generally don't like to read lyrics without hearing them because they weren't meant to be read; therefore, you're missing a lot of the inflection. I'm not saying that the meaning will be clear as day when you hear the song, but the tone of the music can certainly help set a mood I think. At any rate, thanks much for the input!

mjbphotos: Thanks. Yes I like to play around with rhyming schemes, as some of my favorite writers did as well, including Dylan, Lennon, etc. It helps to keep things interesting for me. Also, I think if you heard it sung, it might not seem quite as offputting, because (to me) it seems to flow pretty naturally. I agree about the disparity of subject matter between the two verses. The third verse I have written was actually slotted for where the second verse spot, and it deals with "you" as well. I was planning on having the rabbit verse come after a chorus (if it goes that route) or at least some kind of interlude. I appreciate the comments!

Resurrect: I normally just embed an mp3 file, but for this song, all I had was this video file, and I didn't feel like going through a file conversion process. But ... what's so inaccessible about a dropbox link? You click on it, the folder opens up, and you click on the video. What's the biggie? :) Anyway, thanks for the comments and the chorus idea. I'll kick it around and see if anything gels.
 
The intro verse is a great, melody and probably lyrics-wise. Its got very nice cords and sound.
Intro verse captivates listener instantly.

Because the verse is so good, chorus is not impressive in comparison. In my view, chorus actually is worse. Please change chorus.
 
StoneJack said:
The intro verse is a great, melody and probably lyrics-wise. Its got very nice cords and sound.
Intro verse captivates listener instantly.

Because the verse is so good, chorus is not impressive in comparison. In my view, chorus actually is worse. Please change chorus.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comments. Actually, there is no chorus right now. There are only two verses. (Actually, I have a third verse as well that's not included here.) The second verse begins with a slightly different melody than the first, but all the chords are the same, and it soon locks into the same melody too. If the song ends up with a chorus, it'll will be that I haven't written yet.
 
OK, I know now why I didn't rate the chorus that high (cause it was a verse). I like the song, would love to hear chorus!
 
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