New/Old song

[Resurrect]

Hey, blokes. I've got a song I've written and recorded a demo. I really love it lyrically, but I wanna know what other people think of my imagined genius. I don't have time to type up the all the lyrics currently. But will tomorrow. Lemme know what you think!

 

[Anticleon]

I know nothing about music and I like something if it appeals to me. I liked this, words and music. (Sometimes sounded like Jack Black in the movie Tenacious D)

 

[Robus]

It's promising. Your acoustic guitar playing is really good. My suggestion would be to work on the melody, make it a little more engaging and hooky. Particularly whenever you return to the I chord, the melody seems kind of predictable. Melody is just about the hardest part of song writing--for me, anyway. I really have to work at it, finding those parts of the song where the melody is bland, or awkward, or just doesn't quite work, and improving them. Those are my thoughts.

 

[famous beagle]

I'd like to see the lyrics before I comment, because I can't understand all of them.

 

[Resurrect]

Thanks for the input so far guys! Robus, you've got a point with the comments on the melody. I'll look into that and try to tweak it a little.
Took me a while, but here are the lyrics:

You still haunt my dreams,
A phantom in the night.
You still ravish me
With just a glance from those turbulent eyes.

A storm of green,
A raging sea,
I'm lost within the flood.
Your stormy gaze
Still captivates me.
This is not what I'd dreamt of.
This is not what I'd dreamt of.

And I've been denied
This love so unexpected.
I've been denied.
I'm a castaway at sea.
I've been denied,
Broken, and rejected-
This heart of mine,
If only you could see,
I'm still swimming in green.

I lie alone at night,
Tearless in my pain.
So to make myself cry,
I gently whisper your name.

And as the tears fall, I worship the God
Who gives and takes away,
Who reaches down into the flood
To comfort the castaway.

Though, you have denied,
All the love I offered.
And you have denied
And cast me out to sea.
But where will you find,
In all your fleeting lovers,
Another love like mine?
If only you could see,
'Cause I'm still swimming in green.

Broken, I fall to my knees,
Alone beside the grave.
Once more I must bury my dreams,
And turn and walk away.

With the cross I'd meant to mark the grave
Now cast upon my shoulder,
I turn my gaze to Jesus' face
And offer Him my tears.

For I will deny
My weeping broken heart.
And I will deny
All my precious dreams.
And I lay aside,
My hopes so shattered apart,
And all else that tries
To keep me from my King.
But I'm still swimming in green.

Yeah, I'm still swimming in green.

 

[Mr. C]

Great guitar. I really like your lyrics and how you have woven a story about loss with your faith. I'm not a fan of the vocals on this. You have a good voice (wish I could sing, and do anyways), but to me the rhythm of your voice sounds "herky-jerky" for lack of better wording.

 

[Resurrect]

Thanks, man!